I'm plagued with dreams lately too, I guess it's a good tirutz that it's withdrawal symptoms.

Maybe theres something deep inside you thats still trying to hang on to the shmutz...

Yossi.L. wrote on 15 Sep 2011 13:00:


The same things that got me into this in the first place.....it's still there. Now that I understand it and am more conscious of it it's easier to fight, and I am taking steps to change my life in ways that will hopefully make me not feel it so much. But whenever I am feeling down or get triggered it all comes boiling back up and makes me want........I don't know if it will ever really go away completely.

Just gotta keep on Trucking!

Gevura!

Yossi.L. wrote on 15 Sep 2011 13:00:

Duh! and it's not so deep....Gevura, I like your like-mindedness

obormottel wrote on 15 Sep 2011 16:08:


Sometime simple things are right there for you to see....hakdamah mesillas yesharim....

Day 65.....

I think I have mentioned that one of the main things I need to work on is my social life, to get out of my shell and away from my "inner child", and start having friendships with real people who are my peers. I mentioned that I was going to find some shiurim to go to to meet people that I might be able to be friends with.
Anyway last week I went to a new shiur for the first time. It's actually more of a Chabura, just a bunch of guys about my age learning together. Turns out that I actually know a few of the guys, that made it a lot easier to feel comfortable right away. It's very easygoing and informal, we sit around a table and learn halacha together. It will take some time to get to know the "new" people, but they seem like the kind of guys that I could be friendly with.
Afterwards I felt pretty good, both from knowing that I had done something concrete toward ridding myself of the underlying cause of my issues, and also because I had actually been soomewhere where I felt like i belonged.....Then I went to my usual weekday shul for maariv, and a bunch of the usual "sights" were there....POW! right back into the fight!

Sometimes lately I am having a "good" day and I actually can forget about all this for a while. But then I start to get this empty feeling, like something's missing.....I got so used to the wanting, and then the struggle and the pain.....Even my davening gets cold, the intensity of begging for help is gone....It's not normal for me to feel so normal.....I start to wonder, is it really over? Was it that easy?........Then I see a trigger, my eyes automatically swivel and lock, my mind starts to imagine.....yeah I'm still sick. Somehow that makes me feel alive again : ??? : ???

I know, it's all just the YH playing mind games with me, trying to convince me that my problem really IS my identity, and that I can never escape it and I shouldn't want to. But I'm so confused......

Maybe so much self-awareness is not such a good thing......

(One of my rabbeim used to say "Be careful what you daven for, you might get it!")

Trucking onwards.....keep your eyes on the road and ignore the people on the sidewalk!!

Gevura!

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 19 Sep 2011 14:21:

Nice post. Just make sure you stop for the people in the crosswalk .

Gevura,
You really are doing monster work and are an inspiration to us all!
Truck on!

alexeliezer wrote on 19 Sep 2011 15:29:

heartily agree!

Really is swell work, buddy, what with getting out of the house an' all.
I find it very difficult to get myself out of the house and join the chabura (though I have), I keep thinking  to myself "who am I kidding, if only these pure souls knew, they would lock me out".
But I am so happy after the fact, and the learning is always so enjoyable.
Another problem I found, that when joining a new shiur or a chabura like you're describing, I immediately want a) to be the center of attention b) approval by all those present.
Now that I know was told that humility is key to recovery, I find it even harder to connect with people 'cause I have to now fight two of my natural inclinations: solitude and attention-grabbing when out of the self-imposed solitude. (in other words, before I could convince myself to join a group by saying "go, you'll see how they will be happy to see you", now I have to tell myself "go, but stay out of the sptolight, don't get into arguments, don't offer your opinion unless asked" so it's doubly hard).
Do you know what I mean?
As for the second part of your post, I think the idea can be expressed like this:
There are people that only strive in the interpersonal relationship when they are putting out a fire. They only feel in love when the love is doomed. they only feel close to someone after they had a really good fight with the person etc. My mom would pick a fight with me every time I was going away, so that she would really miss me when I'm gone.
Possibly, the same with our recovery: unless we're in the fight, we don't feel strongly about life.
So the fight is certainly ongoing, but when you have a peaceful moment, it's OK to enjoy it, IMNSHO.

wow you inspire us all!!

Gevurashebeyesod,

Can you elaborate on your mention of the 'inner child' within you? I've heard this terminology from a few people and I don't understand what it is.

Yossi

it's a "sickolodgee " term that my therapist used, I'm not sure I can fully explain it. Basically it's that part of me that never grew up and is stuck at that point where my emotional and social growth got derailed and confused, and is still trying to mature but is going about it the wrong way, by using fantasy to create imaginary "relationships" of the wrong type. So I need to get out there and build mature friendships and relationships with real people in an appropriate way. It's very hard for the same reasons that got me into this mess in the first place, but I am working on it.

Gevura!

Hi Gevura,

Your story is very inspiring. That must be so incredibly difficult to deal with, mamash a milchama panim veachor. Do you still go to a therapist?

I went one time and he was very helpful. But he's quite a distance away, and also expensive. I am trying to find someone closer to home, hopefully who will take my health insurance.

Meanwhile I am finding that sharing my story and my feelings here on GYE, and learning from others' struggles, is working wonders in helping me understand and making me feel better about myself.

KVT & KOMT!!!!

Gevura!