shmirashachaim wrote on 16 May 2016 03:39:

Been thinking about you ... I hope you are doing well. Please fill us in! 

Day 8: I have mentioned before that I am finding myself to be much calmer when things go wrong than I ever was when I was acting out. At first I thought that it was one of the gifts of sobriety. Today it occurred to me that it may be much simpler. and much uglier. When I was acting out I was subconsciously looking for "excuses" to act out. My wife is mad at me ... so what do you expect - of course I have to act out. I am out of money ... so what do you want from me -- of course I have to check out the ladies online. [Yes, this made sense to me. I know. Unbelievable.] So I think that I was overreacting and getting frustrated because it gave me the green light to act out. I had an excuse. But now that I wont act out either way, there is no point in getting upset. I pray that I will continue to have the clarity not to act out.
Btw, I did develop a counterattack on this process. Now, when I get frustrated I vent it out to you. [Nope, its not the same :( ]  

Its late and I need to get to sleep. I have a crazy day tom [and it didn't even start yet!]. I started roaming around the computer where I shouldn't tonight. No falls but playing a bit on the edge. Not good. Started thinking: Whats eating away at me?
Two things:
1. I always get down at the end of a day, when I see my list still long, I didn't get to my personal list of things I wanted to get done. Now its the end of a day. I am too tired to move. Another day of just not getting the job done. Feeling low. Unaccomplished. Too tired to do anything. And too stupid to admit defeat and just get to sleep. So I am left sitting here ... frustrated and angry with myself. Yuck.
2. As so many of you predicted its starting to be not so cool to be sober. I used to be able to tell myself "As long as you are going to sleep clean, you had a good day." Not working that great anymore.
Thanks for listening. I am getting up now to go to sleep before sleep turns into slip....

realsimcha wrote on 17 May 2016 03:39:

I struggle immensely with your first point and it also gets me down a lot. There are some techniques I use to get over it. Try to make a list of the things you did accomplish today, even things that seem trivial when put down on paper together with allot of other things they could fill a whole different picture. It's the focusing on the lulls of the day that cause problems.

On the same note. Feeling accomplished is a fictitious invention of the mind. It's all feelings based on automatic thoughts that we have trained our selves through years of abusive thinking. So to realize that for what it is is also helpful.

Another point. just making a gratitude list of all the awesome things in life that I was zoche to have today also fills a void when my mind tries to tell me that I didn't accomplish enough.

Agree on the gratitude list.
Works wonders.
Wonder why.
Answer: bridges a connection to God.

Btw there's a web site 1000awesomethings.com that I bumped into written by a goy named Neil Parsicha were he lists all the awesome things one encounters in a day. There is also a Ted talk from him worth listening to. 

cordnoy wrote on 17 May 2016 14:50:

I will do that. But what do you mean that it bridges a connection to God?

Day 9: I am getting advice to focus on gratitude. So I will make a "cords style" list today and see where that takes me
I am grateful that:
1. I woke up in time.
2. Wife made me a cup of coffee.
3. enjoyed sharing those moments with her.
4. Got to davening on time
5. Stayed a little more focused than in the past.
6. Learned a little after davening.
7. Wife left to work in a good mood.
8. Was able to reach out and help several friends in need.
9. One of my kids were traveling and reached his destination safely.
10. Its a really beautiful day.

This is really something. I should do this more often. I though I would feel childish. I don't.

realsimcha wrote on 17 May 2016 18:47:

It forces you to think of all that He does for you.

Day 10: I am in so much pain. Ironically it's because  I am doing well. I hear this voice [not literally, take it easy :) ] inside me screaming, "What the h took you 20 years to get here?! Look how much time you lost! Look at how much you could have accomplished !?!?!" The regret is physically painful. I am hurting.

It might of taken you twenty years to get to where you are now. It takes a long time to realize that we can't manage life on our own. lust is not the problem it's the solution, trying to control life is the problem, realizing that is a life struggle.

Day 11: I want to learn how to laugh. How to just let go and laugh. I want to take my tensions and anxieties and regrets and fears and worries and everything else. I want to walk up to Hashem and place it all in front of him. I want to take the three steps back from His presence and feel how light my shoulders are. I want to talk deep breaths and breathe in the morning air. Then I want to laugh. I want to feel alive and "real" I want to stop being so d serious. I want to look forward to what the next moment will bring without fear and apprehension. I want to look with anticipation and excitement and joy. The next moment. Yes! Can't wait to see what is in store in this vibrant life that Hashem has given us.
Forgive my ramblings. Today I will try to find the joy - and even the humor - in life.  

Tall order.
A good one though.
Sounds like you want someone to snap his fingers and poof.... Perhaps even you.
Either way, it doesn't work like that in real life. We need to change the mindset, one step at a time. 
Keep your eye on the ball and work on today.

B'hatzlachah

Something I feel time to time. I'm usually a pretty serious highperfocused guy (or in a daze depending on the time)z but yes, I too get in those moods. Always wondered what to do to them. I found that it seems that should utilize it the but in a realistic way- in a small step-as Cordnoy said one step at a time. But don't ignore it

shmirashachaim wrote on 20 May 2016 05:39:

Look, right now I am starting that journey by thinking about the fact that it is what I want. Cordnoy is right that I wrote it in a way that seems that I want it to change in a flash. I do want that. But I also know that that won't happen. I Think that Cords is referring to doing the work of ridding myself of resentments and giving up my fantasy of control etc. I am prepared to do that work. Yet, I don't regret that post. That post - as you seem to agree - was my heart yearning for the freedom to laugh. Please don't laugh at my mushy poetry. To me, just writing that brought me one step closer. Just focusing outside of myself. Just smiling as I wrote it wistfully. So the post was a bit whimsical, and I do have work to do, and I do appreciate your chizuk to keep the inspiration for it alive.