Hello to all,
I feel a bit awkward. Isn't it presumptuous to start a new topic in the Beis Hamedrash, sharing Torah thoughts with all – I am not a Rav, never went to a Yeshiva after high school, and I am certainly no authority on anything.

But I am still doing it, because since I started to be part of this community, I feel changes and evolution on these matters too, especially in my Tefila.

I wanted to keep these thoughts and write them down – because failing to do so will for sure result in forgetting them.

I do not pretend that my thoughts here have any Toranic value at all. It very well might be that they are not Hiddush whatsoever, and for sure, if I am correct in my interpretations, then someone else wiser than me already wrote so in the past. And if I am wrong – then I am wrong.

But, once again, I am mainly writing this for myself – because these thought helped me on that specific day, and they might come in useful on another day. And maybe even to someone else, and this is why I decided to write them in the forum and not just keep a notebook somewhere.

Please feel free to comment, correct me or critic anything I write here or anywhere else.

I pray to Hashem that nothing I will write here will lead anyone to unwanted thoughts or conclusions – starting by myself.

Benjamin

I already posted this on my 90 days forum... but it really belongs here.

I had a hiddush yesterday evening I wanted to tell the world about.Yesterday evening, I had an urge to say the Kryat Shema Al Hamita - which I do not do regularly.
One passuk jumped to my eyes:כל הַמַּחֲלָה אֲשֶׁר שַׂמְתִּי בְמִצְרַיִם לֹא אָשִׂים עָלֶיךָ, כִּי אֲנִי ה' רֹפְאֶךָ
Usually this refers to the Makot, but I had a different understanding.
We know that Mitzraim is the source of all the lust as is said:
ארץ מצרים מקום זימה כאמור ערות הארץ
So I understood this passuk as being a prayer to Hashem:
I pray that you will heal me from Lust, as you promised not to hit Bney Israel with the plagues of Mitzraim.'

In the Pessukey DeZimrah, we say everyday Tehilim 147 where it is said:
מְעוֹדֵד עֲנָוִים ה' מַשְׁפִּיל רְשָׁעִים עֲדֵי-אָרֶץ.
Which is translated and generally understood as:
God sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.
I do not think that the two halves of the passuk need to be put in opposition, one for the humble and one for the wicked.
This passuk speaks of the support of Hashem to the ones who really want to do Teshuva, the Rasha (Ball HaTanya teaches us that even one transgression makes you a Rasha - that doesn't mean that you are lost to all humanity, just that you have to work to correct this situation) and discover that the way to do so is to become a Anav, let go of your ego.
And once you realize that, Hashem helps by humbling you to the ground - which also has several meanings.
Obviously - you are humbled to ground level, ואנוכי עפר ואפר.
But also that Hashem sends you back to Earth... Back to reality - see life and yourself as it really is and not as you thought you were - be it pure good or pure evil.
And this realization is the begining of the journey.
You understand where you stand, really, and you realize where you want to be, and you go there.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I don't think you need to minimize your value or qualifications in order to share them either .  They are yours and that makes them special in and of themselves.

I keep seeing the 12 steps all the time in almost all parts of the Tefila.
his morning it occured to me that in the Amida we say:
סוֹמֵךְ נוֹפְלִים, וְרוֹפֵא חוֹלִים, וּמַתִּיר אֲסוּרִים, וּמְקַיֵּם אֱמוּנָתוֹ לִישֵׁנֵי עָפָר. 
If the first three are pretty self explanatory when applied to an addiction ridden situation: Support my fall, Heal my illness, Free me from my prison! the fourth is more complex...
I was tought that this means that we believe that Hashem keeps His word, realizes His promises to the deceased Avot - Yesheyney Afar.
While remaining certainly true, I had an additional understanding of it in the light of the first 3 steps: 
Our faith, our Emuna - is also a gift from Hashem. By our own power we cannot be truly believers - not for long. If I rely on my powers alone, I will be subject to scepticism and shake my Emuna one way or another, because I am made from dust - I am Gashmi - material.
But if I surrender even this to Hashem, then He will make my Emuna strong and everlasting - 
מקיים אמונתו לישני עפר

Benjamin