I respectfully disagree

its true that just wanting to correct something is merely wishful thinking that wont accomplish anything

but positive thoughts, words & actions in the present & future can get a person to gain the courage to finally do what they need to do.

& none of these positive acts can be neglected-even if the primary obligation has not yet been fulfilled

encore!
dont let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
as long as the mindset is working towards eventual full mechila, way to go.
think about teshuva - are we fully there? is yom kippur a joke?
this is the great rabbi salanters novel approach - that a small act that is putting one on the path towards the right direction is teshuva. (its worth it to analyze the letter in or yisroel where he discusses this at length.)
otherwise we are a bunch of clowns fooling ourselves when it comes to azivas hacheit. we aint just changing over a day bro - dont be silly! but we are still doing teshuva. doing. not done. but doing. and there is kaparah on that - as the above holy rabbi learns. i do wonder if there is any kaparah solely regarding the bein adam lachaveiro aspect though. what yechida is saying sounds healthy and cleansing only regarding bein adam lamakom.
not sure if anything i said makes sense or even sounds good.
a good sweet year to all!

bli neder i will try to find it but rav kook discusses how this works with bein adam lechaveiro as well

no one ( not rav kook either) is saying that  cv we replace what the chazal requires us to do, until there is full mechilah or the return of the theft  ect, then full forgiveness is not attained yet 

you have to call a spade  a spade

but its clear that steps towards is can affect great mercy from Hashem so that at the end He will help you gain the strength & have the ability to make the full correction

I remember reading in Rav Shimshon Pincus's sefer on yamim noraim that during aseres yimei teshuva (Elul also, I don't remember exactly) if we do a real azivas hacheit as well as proper teshuva then there is a special siyata dishmaya that will enable you to recieve a proper mechila to. Either the person will be mochel without you asking or other circumstances will enable you to ask for forgiveness.
I don't think this is meant to replace asking for forgiveness, rather to help us not be overwhelmed by the thought, and knowing that if we change ourselves even if our teshuva is not complete, it's still worth a lot, as Yechidah is pointing out (I think).

I remember a discussion whether it's best not to tell someone about something that they may not know about, when asking mechilah because this might cause them even more pain. I know this does not apply when we wronged someone to their face (or perhaps it does if we bring to the surface something they may have somewhat forgotten about) but many times this is not the case. 
Is this something you can explain practically?

Thanks

let say you have a coworker that you have treated in a rotten way until now

& you at this point cannot muster the courage to ask mechila yet or bring it up

Don't say that just because I am not ready-I will do nothing

Instead, at your own pace, start talking to this coworker in a better way, treating him with more respect, & not exhibit your past negative behaviors towards him, eventually , you will have the courage to say kind & nice things to him. & then more eventually, you may have the courage to tell him that your sorry you have mistreated him in the past

my main point is that most people will say-I  cant do it-so ill do nothing

so you continue the coldness & the silent treatment with this coworker because you don't have the courage to do what the Torah is requiring of you

but that is the wrong approach. Yes, its true, right now you have not done yet what you are required to so. no one is denying that, But at the same time, doing what I describe will indeed over 95% of the time cause your coworker to soften his heart towards you, He may not fully trust or forgive you for hurting him, but he will recognize the change & the antagonism will diminish significantly& that has great value

this not be a perfect analogy, but in Tanach , you see often a mention of how at some periods the Jews were able to remove idolatry from their midst but they still were unable to abolish the private Bamah's (private altars)  . Now, fixing one wrong thing doesn't justify you not fixing another wrong thing, But nevertheless, it is clear that Hashem was more please & showed greater compassion towards His People when they threw out idolatry-even though they were still wrong for not allowing the Beis Hamidash being the only place for sacrifices

you can find if you look countless examples of this principle

& it is a shame that people are discouraged from taking those very healthy first steps just because they cant currently do things 100% correctly

every baby step toward doing the right thing is very precious to Hashem

& there is no reason that should not apply to interpersonal relationships as well

I respect very much cords perspective (respectfully disagree is meant literally. i may disagree but I certainly have deep respect for the perspective as a valid one)

What i think is boils down to is that a person has to know himself or herself

if such thinking leads to a cop-out-then I understand why this logic shouldn't   be used

however , with many people , it it simply a healthy way to develop the courage to do what is right when at the moment that courage is lacking, 

 i guess the criteria would be 1) that you DO have a clear cut intention & goal to correct the situation 2) you DO at the very least that baby step but real & TANGIBLE positive act that will ultimately lead to that goal 

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. (Carl Jung)

(This does not mean that you embrace & indulge in your own darkness. but what this means is that you recognize this darkness, be humble about it, try to transform it into light-&  it is meant also to be used to compassionate & understanding toward other people that are dealing with such darkness & to try to help them)  

Summary of Practical Torah Thoughts

1) we are "One" people. Nevertheless, in the practical world down here on earth, there are specific souls connected to specific Tzaddikim & that is why some are drawn to this tzaddik & some to another tzaddik.  Its important to ask Hashem to give each & every one of you the opportunity to connect with a true Tzaddik & mentor that can relate to your specific soul to guide you

2) Yissachar's Avoda is Torah & Tefillah in a very revealed way, & this runs the risk of it being cooled off or not being sincere. While Zevulun's Avoda is a concealed one-maintaining emunah in the heart as  he conducts his business with the world. This is an inner spark that cannot be cooled off. 

3) While humility is a beautiful trait, one also needs a strong dose of self confidence & spiritual elevation , taking healthy pride in the service of Hashem

4)Every Jew gains strength by his fellow Jew giving him encouragement & strength. Every Jew is sent to this world to give encouragement to his fellow Jew

5)see inside the mashal of the baal shem tov. The king did not desire that beautiful bird for its own sake-but rather the king desired how each of his subjects worked together as One to obtain this goal.

6)when asking Hashem for Parnassah-ask Him this so that you can serve Hashem with peace of mind, to honor Shabbos properly, to pay tuition for the chinuch of your children, for the sake of sholom bayis, to daven & learn better ect

7)When asking for better physical intimacy with your wife-ask Him this so  that you should have "Pas Besalo" , to motivate you to be a better husband & a better Oved Hashem especially in regards to guarding yourself from immorality so that a good healthy sex life with your own wife will get you to be happy with your lot & never be tempted to stray & always to be loyal to her

8)Every Jew is precious in they eyes of Hashem-& so every Jew should be precious in your own eyes

9)Every creation , every created being has a purpose-& we should respect every creation because of that-& all point to their Creator!!

10) Our shorter life spans (as opposed to the hundreds of years of life to the first 20 generations) is to teach us to value the preciousness of life & to appreciate every moment & serve Hashem in this gifted time to the best of our ability.

guardyoureyes.com/media/kunena/attachments/2149/torah.pdf

When one looks truly at the good side of everyone, others come to love him very naturally, and he does not need even a speck of flattery.

Abraham Isaac Kook

(looking in truth to the pure & good aspect of another-& focusing on it-& building upon it-that is not false flattery-it is truth that leads to great spiritual growth.) 

yesterday someone in shul told me the following (in regards to people who beat themselves up over mistakes in their past)

"Don't allow your past to ruin your future"

"Instead, work towards bringing light into your future to correct your past"

This is not easy at times-especially when you are haunted by your poor choices in the past. But they key here is to strengthen yourself, forgive yourself, & move forward. Don't allow the past to sabotage your present & future

some meforshim comment (see orach chaim) that because Rachel's bed was in Yaakov's tent, & she was his main wife (in regard to intimacy as well) -_ this --was a reason that could have caused a decrease in both desire & love -because it is a known fact that familiarity & constant contact could diminish love & the excitement of it-so the possuk tells us that despite the constant connection-the love did not diminish-it remained strong & fresh

this is the goal & also challenge in marriage-every often-because of familiarity-we tend to take our spouses for granted -both in a general sense but also in regards to intimacy-because something constant is less novel & thus the excitement & freshness can diminish. 

& therefore it is important to refocus & realign out thoughts & feelings & realize that we do have the ability to work towards keeping our marriages fresh & exciting despite the familiarity & not take anything for granted.-not the intimacy & not any of the thousands of gifts that are there because of your spouse that Hashem sent to you-because they are all gifts.

we will explain in later posts BH how even the challenges are gifts-but sometimes that isn't easy to internalize (although we have to try to do that as well)

but the clear cut open gifts-They ARE easy to internalize -even if they are constant & familiar-& that is something we can all work on...

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.”
― Bill Keane

In a sense, this week's parsha is a most difficult one, because the brothers were all tzaddikim & yet there was a great rift & separation that created a lot of pain  & suffering for Yosef, for Yaakov & ultimately for all the brothers as well. .There are many meforshim that try to explain the dispute & the inner workings of Hashem's deep plan. It was certainly meant to be. but at the same time, the estrangement between Yosef & his brothers was not an intrinsically positive thing according to all accounts. The  Ten Holy Martyrs in the Tannaic period was to atone for Yosef's Sale.

It is  very difficult thing to understand the deep divisions & estrangements that take place between even real tzaddikim. & I will not attempt to do so here (though I have some theories) .But it is clearly part of Hashem's plan, because these rifts have taken place all through the generations. It is clear from history, that we could very well sustain the effects of the essence of arguments among tzaddikim  themselves, but when the multitude of followers get embroiled in those controversies, it leads to terrible things-breaking up of families, chillul Hashem & many being turned off from Torah life altogether.


But even as these complex rifts take place-the multitude of us need to separate ourselves from this & not involve ourselves in such disputes-because it leads to deep rifts, sinas chinam,  & needless suffering. One can & should follow the ideology of whichever tzaddik that he is connected to-but to avoid at all cost anything that creates more rifts & anger-here is where it is clear that a strong shemirah is required.

May we see all rifts be healed-including those between true tzaddikim. 

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

This is a very important point in life. The change need not be a drastic action -but rather baby steps of building your character from within.

prayer as well is a very powerful tool-to connect with Hashem to help you deal with any situation in a healthy way-even those situations that you cannot actively do much to change

though externally-we may not be able to correct the situation we are in-but internally-in our hearts & minds-we can.

we can reframe internally out perspective on the situation & develop a certain calm & confidence-even as the tests are still there.

great poem on the power of speech

Another lesson

by Chanti Niven

Darkness only takes over
in the absence of the light
And evil manifests
when people start to fight
Fear is a weapon
that takes captive the mind
but if we walk in love
then peace is what we'll find.
The power is in our tongues
and in what we choose to say
Every careless word
may exact its pay

Those times I've been impulsive
and spoken out of turn
have always caused regret
and in this I've had to learn.
Just as a tiny stone
causes ripples that then spread
So has the impact
of all those careless things I've said.
Though my intent was always good
and I never meant to cause folk harm
Once I'd caused a stir
it was hard to restore the calm

We can't undo the past
and what is done is done
but if we learn our lessons
then a victory is won
The past is left behind
as we face the rising morn
with the wisdom we acquire
in a sense we are reborn