Just to vent a little....

Been a challenging couple of weeks. Entertaining the children 24/7... Trips to beaches and parks.. 
Shmiras Einayim success rate of 98% BH, nevertheless the amount of battles is extremely draining. Additionally my wife is also exhausted and has therefore not been so available, making it even more challenging for me. But I suppose צרת רבים (summer vacation) is חצי נחמה...

This morning I found it hard to genuinely say שלא עשני אשה. Yiddishe woman really have a nice life. They can go about their day without constantly being in a מלחמת היצר. They can go to the beach and look around to enjoy the scenery and it doesn't harm them! No urges. No inner turmoil. And also no guilt at the end of the day that they didn't learn enough. 
Perhaps this is גופא the reason חז”ל had to create this brachah...

מעניין לעניין באותו עניין:
Few nights ago I really needed my wife so I asked her... she did it for me but wasn't happy. She asked me on the following day how I would feel if she asked me if she could please stick her finger up my nose and rub hard because she liked the feel?! 
I decided its about time to speak to my wife about these challenges in much more detail and to disclose to her my personal journey. (I have spoken to her previously about P&M, but more in a general, vague manner.)
It went very well BH.
I will try to post another time a few points of our conversation because I'm interested in hearing what the oilam thinks.  

Meanwhile, ​TYH for 97 days clean.

upanddown wrote on 15 Aug 2025 01:12:

A beautiful honest and vulnerable post. 

Curious, does your wife always feel intimacy the way she described? 

mggsbms wrote on 15 Aug 2025 01:40:

No, not at all.
To be clear: Very often she reaches climax. Very often not, but still enjoys alot. Sometimes she feels the way she described above. But during our discussion she said that even during those times when she is not having any physical pleasure she still enjoys the closeness. 
We're married for 12 years and our Shalom Bayis is BH excellent, so it's always done on a background of love and care.

Thanks for asking.

Checking in.

124 days clean BH.

Will share some of my thoughts...

It feels like living in another world. No more constant battles.
Yes, there are still urges, temptations and nisyonos on the street (and sometimes online), but no longer do I have to make draining decisions not to fall. It's like in the boxing ring: at first it's tourture, but once you get him down onto the floor it's not so difficult to keep him on the ground. From time to time he tries pushing you off but you have the upper hand.

So now is the maintenance stage.

Previously, when reaching this stage (about 5 years ago I got to over 400 day streak and a couple of other times close to 150 days), I shifted into auto-drive mode. It lasted for a while until things started going downhill gradually, eventually leading to falls. But this time is different. I try to get a fresh chizzuk on a regular basis, learn Mussar and remind myself of where the slightest "giving in" to the YH can lead to.... No looking around unnecessarily while walking on the streets. No doing things that are 'just about' Mutar (i.e. shaving there, browsing youtube).
Being on high alert.

The other week a stunning half naked young girl walked right in front of my eyes. I managed to automatically look away and not to give it another thought. It could have EASILY led to a massive fall. I was so grateful.

I had a massive Yeshuah recently in a certain area of my life and I have no doubt that it's directly connected to the Tikun Habris. TYH!!!

Another 2 crucial differences this time round is
1. I am able to be immersed in learning. It fills the void and occupies my mind. אין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב הפנוי מן החכמה. 
2. I feel powerless. I know it's only through Tefilah, with the help of Hashem that I can do this. אלמלא קל בעזרו לא יוכל לו.

So here's my message to anyone who was thinking of giving up: Don't!! Hang in there!! It's worth the fight. At the beginning it's tourture. It's so painful. But eventually the good days come and it feels good. It feels right. The new life-style becomes so Pashut. One day you will look back and think to yourself: "What? Me? I watched porn? I acted out? Good job those days are over." 

Thank you all. It's so amazing to be part of this wonderful platform.
באהבה רבה
UpAndDown

hey,

so well said!

agree to everything you say....

i think you need to change your name to "up and up"

Shkoyach!! This message is so inspiring!! Let's connect! Please message me? Good Shabbos!!!