I wish I could help, but alas, I can't. But I can express how badly I feel for you..... such pain, such pure expression of your beautiful Neshama....

Here's a virtual shoulder for you to lean your head on, a virtual hug to share my feelings for you.....

Muttel

Hey all.
Just an update on my stats. Been up and down a lot over the past couple of weeks. Propbably has what to with the emotional roller coaster Ive been on with the miss....
Either way, I haven't been really clean the past month. Fell again yesterday. Not feeling inspired. But BeH hopefully will fall back into a clean routine. Ha. as if. I need a plan. When I originally signed onto GYE about a year ago, I got a few months straight clean, was beyond amazing BH. But then it got shorter and shorter....I guess the original hype wore off. Please help me brother!

Rolling down an endless tunnel,
banging into walls,
getting bruisedd, battered.
Now I arise, 
how long until when,
or maybe if?
I will fall back down?
Daddy Dear....
Dont let go of me.
Ever
Im feeling so alone

Going to try going back to posting here daily. Aiming for Day 3 BeH. Today is 1! Woohoo! Lookin at the bright side, I have an oppurtunity now to fall and im not thinking in that direction! LETS GO WE GOT THIS!!!!

Wrappin up day 2 BH!
almost fell last night...like why not? but then BH got hold of myself.
Today was a stressful day in many ways....but im staying strong!
although i may have urges doesnt mean i have to act on them.
Im normal, a great gut, and was created this way
Headin for day 3 BeH

Amazing!
KUTGW!

(Have you considered reaching out to a mentor? Someone from GYE that their story resonated with you?)

BH finishing up day 3. Was an intense day emotionally at home but BeH will finish it up without fallin. As chancy says, even though I have an urge doesnt mean I have to follow through with it.
Thanks Proudyungerman for your response! I have reached out to others...but im sort of stuck in a catch 22....on the 1 hand im too scared to meet others in person...but on the other hand for me personally I feel that over the phone or messaging isnt enough of an emotional connection.....(in a healthy way obvs)....
Having said that it would be remiss for me not to mention HHM who has saved me multiple times and has been a shoulder to cry and laugh upon at times....
Any ideas welcome!

Day 4 BH going strong Chasdei Hashem!
Goal is day 5 BeH.
PLEASE HASHEM
here we go buddies