It doesn't feel like there is a way out of this. Its only been two weeks and back at it again i am. Gd is def gonna f me over for this one. Next girl im rett? Prob gonna be a bait and switch. Who knows, maybe he'll even give me cancer.
I havnt been getting many suggestions and its not bc im retarded like i sound, irl im relatively normal. And the whole time that im not getting suggestions im thinking, "ok, im being tested, this is an opportunity for me to grow and i just need to make it out of it clean and ill get my pot of gold at the end", like the girl is waiting right there and i just need to not m and ill get her, so I do that and i persevere and then i don't, and then it's this terrible feeling of, "great, ive just tacked on another x amount of time till i get married, and made it so that x amount additional tzaros will randomly be visited upon me over the continuation of my life" and yeah. Its like Gd is doing this thing, testing us and giving us the opportunity to become closer to him, and its like this hypothetically:
Me: youre testing me, and giving me this great chance to become great, but its painful, and when did you ask my permission?
Gd: i feel your pain, my child, but it will all make sense in the end
Me: but it hurts
Gd: ...
Like how would we feel if a fellow person did this to us? Like imagine if this hot shot know it all adult came in and started abusing you and manipulating your life to make it challeging etc and youre like, "hello stop" and hes like "dont worry its because i care about you and want to see your growth" youd want to sock him.
Its like at the point where i just feel so negative about things that its like what girl would want me anyway. Like im depressed and hate my life and im just white knuckling to get this girl and only then, when i finally pick her up, do i start smiling.
My ocd is telling me not to post this because it borders on apikorsus (or maybe crosses) and im gonna be machshil other Jews. It sucks being in my head.
And, just to note, i did this because i was stressed. How dysfunctional. If i hadnt been stressed now id be sound asleep, an unquestining member of the tribe, ready to wake up early the next day.
I also feel like people are gonna judge me for being so negative. To those people i say, "sorry for accusing you im projecting"
And like all the messed up things im watching/imagining- the more my head will be messed up as i go through life.
Jordan Peterson said something along the lines of, everyone knows deep down that they are responsible for their life, and they know that there is no such thing as a point where things have become so hard that they've earned the right to give up. Even people who have been through heck and back, there exists no feeling in them, where its like, "ive officially paid my due of hardships and now i can officially retire from trying".
So i know deep down it's my responsibility. And when i go on about how Gd didnt ask me, and its not fair, i do feel like im lying a little bit. Its like another thing JP says, that when you lie, you feel off base a little bit, like you're kind of leaving this safe and solid footing. So thats what i felt like, and that's actually what i feel like now a little bit bc i hope im quoting him correctly, but im gonna chalk up that part to OCD.
So its an anger at Gd, but its an anger where its like im trying really a little bit to be angry, i have to put in some effort, bc id like to be angry at Gd so i can justify further 'm and 'p and also not blame myself, but because on a real level i know the blame is on me, the anger is basically a bit of an empty shell, a car rolling down a street that looks great on the outside but is in reality a deception, a trap, because it has no engine and no driver; it was pushed down the street and soon its going to come to a sad creaking stop and not start up again because it was black and empty from the start
