At this point I actually think that I can never succeed.

I’ve been struggling with porn and masturbation for 3 years now, ever since I became religious. But for all that time, I don’t think I have ever been clean for more than 2 weeks. I’m praying to Hashem each Shacharis, Mincha, Maariv that I break free, but at this point I think Hashem doesn’t want to hear me. Recently, I started praying to Hashem that I don’t want this challenge anymore, that I’m too weak for it and that I wish it would just disappear from my life. 

I hate all of this so damn much, I don’t want to use it, I don’t want to sin. But even with sheer hate and desire to stop, I always slip, again, again and again. Even if I stay clean for few days - one minor inconvenience or bad mood and I’m hooked again. 

I can’t believe what kind of sick person I became. In the day, Rosh Yeshiva tells me about how much good things he hears about me from rabonim in yeshiva, that I’m truly gifted in Torah, but in the night I’m the worst sinner imaginable.

During real lows, I thought about committing suicide, but I won’t do it, as this is prohibited by Torah. I went to psychiatrist, and he said that I’m not mental ill. I didn’t discuss with him my problem, though.

I can’t imagine what I can do at this point. All the methods, steps, techniques, all of that didn’t work, so I’m just skeptical about everything. Even if I have motivation to stop, I already know that I will fall once again

please, help me.

Welcome R' unlimitedmotivation to the greatest family in the world, a family where healing is a reality, hope, warmth, and support is top priorirty, and where you'll feel evryone's love for you.

I also hated myself, and really didn't believe there's a way out, but little did I know, how fast it is achievable, there's the f2f program, the vaad {PY links please} and mostly, there's the accountability program, that's not just about accountability, but about making some really close friends who will hold your hand and walk you through the process, who will give you an open ear to vent to about anything and everything, and you'll feel their warmth and love.

Start off with the mentor in chief, HHM at michelgelner@gmail.com, or EERIE at 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, MUTTEL at muttel15@gmail.com, PY at proudyungerman@gmail.com, I'm also available, my contact info are below in my signature.

Do yourself a favor reach out to the guys it's proven itself over and over again to be life changing.

KOMT!!! And keep us posted.
With love Akiva

My dear brother!
Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.


There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,  iwannalivereal iwannalivereal@gmail.com , and Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com 

Keep posting, you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

WOW! What a tough situation your going through, my heart goes out for you.

I am super happy you made the bold step to post hear.

I hope this will be the beginning of a bright start.

Wishing you the best of luck and please reach out to one of the amazing people mentioned in the 2 posts before mine.

UnlimitedMotivation wrote on 18 Dec 2024 16:39:

We can both use a boost in our self-esteems! You're situation is unique to yourself but very common. I feel the same way at times. I guess just stick around and see that you're not alone and recognize that you're not weak, this is unfortunately the reality for many people, of all backgrounds, ages and stages.

Your struggle is 3 years old, mine is close to TWENTY. And on GYE you'll find people who broke free after 50 years, yes, 50 years!!!

I haven't broken free yet myself but I'm convinced by now that it's doable. It's happening every day! 

it took me over three decades to find a way out. i davened some yom kippurs for hashem to just end my stay on this world. i could not even imagine what it would feel like to be clean. If you are the "worst sinner imaginable" then you surely can't imagine how much worse i was then you. And yet, with hashems rachamim, i was finally able to break free. iy'h you will find a way out as well.

if at all possible, speak to your rebbi. this is so much easier when you have outside help from someone who cares about and believes in you.

best wishes
vehkam

Welcome, my friend! First of all, here's a big hug. I'm so sorry for your pain. My friend, it's really painful to keep failing, but here you can learn how to succeed. Stick around, read the threads here, there's a lot of wisdom here. Ask, listen. Become part of the community. And make some real friends! The day I made real friends, spoke on the phone to some of the special people here (Vehkam was the first ) was the first day of the rest of my life. Take it at your pace, follow this path, and BeH you'll soon be going like Target...Up and up!

Welcome home our dear brother! 

We missed you, and we are happy that you are finally able to join us in this holy fight. This is the greatest and final fight before the redemption that we've been waiting for so long. 

I have 1 question, what was this issue like when you were not religious? Did you also do this but it didnt bother you? Or this is a new problem? 

UnlimitedMotivation wrote on 18 Dec 2024 16:39:

Ouch! That post really  hurts.
I feel it very acutely because I felt the same way.... for over a decade! The pain is so deep I can cut it with a knife.
The good news is that it is not true! You are not a sick person at all! You are SO normal!
I read in your post what a strong person you are! Not just strong but a GOOD person you are. Your drive to change is tangible... and contagious!

I am not in any position to give eitzos as I am still  deep in  this parsha but there there is hope! The people here can help you beyond your imagination! I have heard so many stories from the tzadikim here how they broke fee when they were sure it was impossible. Speak to them and before you can imagine you will be on your way to freedom.

Thank you for the courageous post! It is an inspiration for me to see someone in this situation still have that tremendous drive to improve!
Please keep us posted!

Welcome and thanks for sharing your feelings. 
The good news is that you have begun your journey. You may think it's just a simple post on GYE but the fact is that opening up and sharing and communicating with guys who understand you FULLY and have been in your shoes just a few short weeks/months ago is the biggest step you can take. 
Now let the heeling begin. 

As far as feeling bad about yourself, read Navi, look at what David did, look at Shaul, he killed many innocent people. You didn't. You fell because you had an unimaginable pull towards something you didnt feel in control of. That is NOT a Rasha. In any way whatsoever. 
Look at the beginning on the last perek in Sanhedrin. It says a list of those who don't get a chelek in olam haba. I'm pretty sure your name is not on the list. However your name is on the first part of the mishna. KOL Yisroel yeah lahem chelek leolam haba. 

Tzadik, stay on here. Reach out. Speak your heart, your mind and your soul. We all want to hear more about what you are going through. If you stick around, you will be able to succeed. As I have done. And so many others. 
Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha on your journey to true happiness and freedom. 

eerie wrote on 18 Dec 2024 18:45:

I was gonna post something warm, fuzzy and inspirational - but you just sucker punched me in the gut.
Please dear Father in heaven- PLEASE make it stop. Make it go away !!  NOOO!!!!

Hi

Firstly a warm welcome, your post sounds painful, but we all understand and feel that pain because we have all been there.  
You may not realise but just posting is so courageous and takes such guts, you question why am I posting this online, I must be crazy?? but it's so powerful so be really proud of yourself for doing that.

Everyone will tell you the same thing, reach out to the tzadikim above that have helped so many people, myself included!  If everyone says the same thing, there has to be some truth to it so don't be shy... reach out to Eerie or one of the other tzadikim and you'll feel the warmth and kindness of genuine tzadik , its liberating.