simchastorah wrote on 22 Apr 2025 19:47:
Thanks so much for the support friends. It really helps.
Thinking about what led up to this fall I find a number of factors.
1) I have been lax about doing the things which have historically helped me to stay clean. Those things being
a) constantly working on Emuna, to try and interpret the world as Hashem's briya (not talking about 'reading messages', but rather וידעת היום והשבות אל לבבך). This I do through working on tfila especially through התבודדות, and learning deep things which speak to me daily.
b) regularly checking in with myself about kedusha, how was the last week? What challenges did I face and how did I do? What will be next week.
I have grown lax in both of these things for the same reason: I have been devoting the time that I would spend on them to working on myself in other ways, namely journaling and meditation. I need to find a balance because clearly I need to be doing the things which help me stay clean, but I do also need to be working on the other things
2) I have been under a lot of stress lately. A number of things going on in my personal life have been very difficult, especially over pesach and since pesach, not to mention getting ready for pesach.
Clearly this is not the right solution for stress.
3) I started 'filter poking' a few weeks ago, not sure exactly how much time ago, I posted about it then. I need to be better about that. And being better about that starts שלא בשעת מעשה, during the regular check ins I need to remind myself how important it is to stay away from anything questionable.
It's hard not to feel like I 'lost my streak' but the truth is there is no streak. There's only right now and there has only ever been right now. All I can do is do my best to win each battle and if I do it right that will ממילא be a streak.
Another hard thing is the embaressment. Going from the 'streak' (yes the one that I claim never existed) to day 1 is embaressing. Part of why GYE is effective is that there's a kavod aspect. How can I fall, then I would no longer get the kavod I feel I've been getting for my streak? How can I lose all that kavod that I worked so hard for?
And while this is helpful, and may even be enough for some, for me it's important that that not be the focus. There is one goal in life - ואני קרבת אלקים לי טוב. Anything else is not relevant. And שמירת הברית is a fundamental part of the picture, אלקיהם של אלו שונא זימה. So if I want קירבת אלוקים I need to do my best to be a holy Jew, and that's all that matters.
So IYH tomorrow will be day 1. And I once again commit to posting daily until I have 30 days clean.
I have every intention of getting right back up with Hashem's help.
IMHO, today should be day 1.
Also, for what it’s worth, I gained chizzuk from your honesty and humanity.
