Day 155 ב"ה

Day 158 ב"ה

Kol Hakavod. 
חג כשר ושמח
תזכה לטעום טעם חירות ושמחה וליאור באור פני מלך חיים

באה"ר
חיים

Day 163 ב"ה

Mamash an inspiration. Keep going strong!! Chazak!!

Day 168 ב"ה

Frankly I am really tempted to give in and watch p and masturbate. I had a very stressful pesach for a number of reasons and I'd really like to just numb out and feel good with fantasy and good physical feelings. I need to get clear that I will not be improving my situation by giving in. Temporarily yes, but immediately afterwards I will feel horrible. Horrible. And my situation not at all improved. I will feel emptied out, like an empty shell. Revolted by the images that I'd seen. I'd ask myself "what have I done?!" like I've asked myself so many times before. 

It's striking how I always found, or very nearly always, that when viewing p, as soon as the p was no longer 'needed' it seemed to me the most revolting thing in the world. I couldn't get it away from me fast enough, shielding my eyes from the horror while at the same time trying to click closed whatever window into hell was open. It made me think and feel that the true nature of what I'd been viewing was absolutely disgusting, but while under the influence of the desire it was made to seem like the most enchanting thing in the world. And I always feel like I have just opened up my soul and poured in a barrel of caustic poison.

I need to remind myself of that and get it clear, or I may very well face going back to it. And once in it can be so hard to get back out. The tempting door back into porn is a lying facade. There's nothing beautiful inside, only pain and torment.

The גמ says that in truth she's a כד מלא צואה ופיה מלא רוק. Maybe an element of the disgust is that after being done the factor which hides that צואה ורוק goes away and your left with the feeling of having just fully and intensely focused on a כד מלא צואה ופיה מלא רוק. Of course this raises the question that if so why not also when done in the proper way but I don't think that's such a kashya

The ability to internalize this before a fall, when the temptations are raging, and not after, is what separates the men from the boys. HERO!!!

Yiden from Goyim

Animals from Humans..............

I had a fall.

Barely able to access anything with my filter, but with persistence...

Now I'm tempted to do it again because hey what the heck.

I've been under a lot of pressure lately. I don't feel horrible about it, I'm only human. The main thing I feel bad about is all the people who get chizzuk from my thread etc who will feel let down. I hope to be able to get back up and get on the right track again like I have seen others do. 12 days less than my last big streak.

Get up and move on buddy. Your honesty is impressive. Inspire the chevra as you continue climbing the mountain.

I second the motion, your persistence is inspiring and I'm sure you'll get back right up and march onwards.

Learn from your falls, change something that will hopefully prevent the next fall ,cv. 

The biggest gift of all is experience, if you learn from it. 

Sheva Yipol Tzaddik V'Kum! 

I know you got this. You do as well. 

Love 
Chancy Hakuten 

simchastorah wrote on 22 Apr 2025 08:30:

Inspired before..... Inspired now........ will be even more inspired if you don't throw in the towel because of "hey what the heck". Not easy, but hey, that's what's real men are made of.

You’re a growing person. 
you’re an honest person. 
you’re a special person. 
figure out what to learn from this and keep going onwards. 

Main thing for now is to hang on tight next few days, while the post-fall blood-poison is in your veins…. He’s gonna try to get to you when you’re down with waves of sadness and numbness. But the difference between a Talmid Chochom and the rest of the folks is post fall. על תהרהר אחריו בחום כי בודאי עשה תשובה 

אם אתה רוצה אתה תמשול בו 
You are there for me when I need Chizzuk. And you’ll continue to be. 

Eyes on Chaim, משומרים לבוקר
here’s a warm hand.

Thanks so much for the support friends. It really helps.

Thinking about what led up to this fall I find a number of factors.

1) I have been lax about doing the things which have historically helped me to stay clean. Those things being
a) constantly working on Emuna, to try and interpret the world as Hashem's briya (not talking about 'reading messages', but rather וידעת היום והשבות אל לבבך). This I do through working on tfila especially through התבודדות, and learning deep things which speak to me daily.
b) regularly checking in with myself about kedusha, how was the last week? What challenges did I face and how did I do? What will be next week.

I have grown lax in both of these things for the same reason: I have been devoting the time that I would spend on them to working on myself in other ways, namely journaling and meditation. I need to find a balance because clearly I need to be doing the things which help me stay clean, but I do also need to be working on the other things

2) I have been under a lot of stress lately. A number of things going on in my personal life have been very difficult, especially over pesach and since pesach, not to mention getting ready for pesach.

Clearly this is not the right solution for stress.

3) I started 'filter poking' a few weeks ago, not sure exactly how much time ago, I posted about it then. I need to be better about that. And being better about that starts שלא בשעת מעשה, during the regular check ins I need to remind myself how important it is to stay away from anything questionable.

It's hard not to feel like I 'lost my streak' but the truth is there is no streak. There's only right now and there has only ever been right now. All I can do is do my best to win each battle and if I do it right that will ממילא be a streak.

Another hard thing is the embaressment. Going from the 'streak' (yes the one that I claim never existed) to day 1 is embaressing. Part of why GYE is effective is that there's a kavod aspect. How can I fall, then I would no longer get the kavod I feel I've been getting for my streak? How can I lose all that kavod that I worked so hard for?
And while this is helpful, and may even be enough for some, for me it's important that that not be the focus. There is one goal in life - ואני קרבת אלקים לי טוב. Anything else is not relevant. And שמירת הברית is a fundamental part of the picture, אלקיהם של אלו שונא זימה. So if I want קירבת אלוקים I need to do my best to be a holy Jew, and that's all that matters.

So IYH tomorrow will be day 1. And I once again commit to posting daily until I have 30 days clean. 

I have every intention of getting right back up with Hashem's help.