Day 60 ב"ה
Thank you Hashem for showing through me הבא ליטהר מסייעין אותו.
I recently commented to someone that it's not about the length of the streak, it's either clean or not. This has been my experience, though admittedly my longest streak was (only) 9 months and so I can't personally attest to what happens after that. But for me it has been something of a switch on or off. Am I living passively, letting what I desire take hold of me and make my choices for me, or am I living actively, knowing that my yh can't make the decisions for me if I don't let it.
I really don't know what brings me to be in one state or the other. The last time I was clean before this it also started with a 'switch' of sorts, suddenly I was just not doing this, and so too now. I do know that in both cases the catalyst was bringing the struggle to the light, last time speaking to someone from GYE this time posting on the forum, maybe through bringing to the light I was able to access a place in my daas that I wasnt accessing.
The main thing I want to say is this: if you are reading this and you feel מיואש, don't give up. Even if it's just lip service after you have a fall say out loud - אני לא מתייאש. Throughout the last year I fell many times but I wasn't מתייאש at all and I feel that that helped me now to start trying to get clean again. Even if you have fallen a million times, and you feel like there's just no hope for you, and you browse the GYE forums and see other people being matzliach and you don't know whether to feel happy for them or sad that yet another person is free while you feel mired in the mud, know נאמנה there is no difference between him and you, and you just at this moment have not found the פתח out of the darkness. And it's not necessarily your fault that you are נלאה למצוא את הפתח, sometimes it is hidden. But be'h if you keep on trying to find the פתח and davening to Hashem to find the פתח you will find it and step through.
