Shalom Brother,

Have you tried phoning a friend? Some companionship and accountability do wonders to reset our state of mind.

The YH plays a dirty card, making us think we need to 'take advantage' of a situation, because it's an opportunity that may not come around again. We get so focused on the missing out that we overwrite the fact that we don't want to do it. Like a sticky salesman, he wants you to buy NOW NOW NOW, this offer won't last, and it puts you on the spot which is not a stable place for sound decision making. The YH is a battle-hardened foe. He knows all the tricks. We can employ some tricks of our own - like calling in the reinforcements. 

On a practical note: Can you make a password to protect the filter settings that only your wife will know?

You got this! Hatzlacha

I've struggled with that as well, but I've found that emotionally I'm able to make a chiluk.

For a phone that's in my pocket and I'm constantly looking at then I need super gedarim not too fall and therefore it's TAG'd up the wazoo.

For my wife's unfiltered phone, if I make a firm commitment never to use it (or a kabalah bli neder) or never to use it not in her presence I actually have found that to generally be strong enough. 

Your case is a bit different but might be worth a try.

The way that you log in to my filter is with basically a username and a phone number. They then send a code to the phone number which you use to log in. The number used to be my own but I learnt the hard way that that was not a good idea, so I switched it to my wife. She almost always has her phone on her but every once in a while she leaves it lying around somewhere.

Making a kabala not to use it when not in her presence sounds like a good idea thank you.

BH the nisayon passed without incident.

We just went on a date. The place was brimming with beautiful, well dressed girls and it was very hard not to look, but I think I looked away more times than I looked

Today is day 5. I feel somewhat of an urge to try and access p***. I know there's literature about the dopamine release caused by viewing p*** etc, I'm sure most people here are familiar with it. There's a powerful element of escapism. Additionally there's a false experience of love and connection which you feel like you're having from the chitzonius of the experience.

For me I think that these things are both true but there's another element also, though related to the love element. There's a (false) sense of shleimus that comes about through the (false) sense of connectedness. Ultimately the only shleimus is to be davek in Hashem. And deep inside we want to be davek in Hashem and to be reabsored so to speak in the source of all existence. And we are so hungry and desperate to be our true selves, subsumed within Hashem. And the chitzonius of that experience is the harmony of existence. We look for harmony in other places trying to grasp out for the true harmony, but the only harmony which will ever truly scratch the itch is the true harmony of existence with Hashem.

But the greatest false harmony is הפקרות of זנות. K'ilu the whole world is מתאחד together in a form which superficially does reflect the nature of the harmony we are searching for. Though in the context of p*** obviously even the חיצוניות is all wrong.

For me there is an element in p*** that the more הפקר it is the more satisfaction I (temporarily) get. I think this might be an expression of the above, that seeing an אשה be מפקיר herself completely is מרמז to be deep down on an utter bitul of the world to what's למעלה.

To be clear this is one big terrible trick of the יצר, but I think that this is at least in part the מהלך of the trick. Hashem help me to realize that what I really want is true דביקות. And to come from the הוה אמינא of the יצר הרע to the מסקנא of the יצר טוב

Shavua tov. Today is day 6. Feeling a bit tense after shabbos. Need to stay clear and calm to not get sucked into hell. 

Sometimes I feel like no one likes me. Like I'm just intrinsically unlikeable. Intellectually I know this is not true and that many people do like me, though of course not everyone. But sometimes this is just how I feel. The feeling comes whenever I feel some rejection, even if it's very slight. Or if someone does not relate to me with the warmth that they usually do, which happened over Shabbos. Then I feel like, "oh there it is, they realize the truth now. they realize that I'm really a worthless problematic individual." And this feeling is so painful and makes me feel so isolated. This is one of the main feelings that I turn to p* and m* to escape from.

I think an element of the fantasy of porn is the fantasy of utter adoration and acceptance. The women in porn basically worship the penis. I think for me the penis somewhat represents an unlovable part of myself. I don't think anyone thinks a penis is a pretty thing. It's a part of the body which is grotesque, and which we are embarrassed of. And to be embarrassed is the healthy state of affairs, I don't mean anything over the top, just basic ויתבוששו. And the fantasy of a woman worshipping this part of me is a fantasy of having someone say not only do I accept your flaws, I adore them and find them to be pleasing. Your flaws is what brings me a sense of fulfillment. 

Sorry for being graphic

Thank you so much for this post.

By nature I'm the exact same as you described in your last post, and I also struggled immensely with fantasies exactly the way you described above. 

Your post was a real wake up call for me, as I was beginning to forget the pain those fantasies and caused me in my first 3 weeks of this journey, the feeling of just wanting deliberately to give up the fight and just go back to the {false} exciting shmutz.

But BH with hashem's siyata dishmaiya and having live human beings {not just some online characters or robots} who to talk to at all times, people who went through the very same struggle, people who really give a listening ear, and really understand you, I was able to stand strong and get to where I currently am, needing to get reminders of how those feelings felt.

Brother I'm with you feel free to reach out, and keep strong, you'll get past it very fast, there is very strong light at the end of the tunnel, which is not that far away.

Keep it up and keep us posted.
With love Akiva 

Thanks I'm glad people relate to the post, it was pretty vulnerable and I hoped it was relatable.

At this point I no longer believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, other than the light הגנוז לצידים לעתיד לבא. The last time I was on GYE and had a nice long streak, I was waiting and waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. The promised מנוחת הנפש that never came. I am sure that for many it does come, as people wouldn't be saying it otherwise. But for me after 6 months there was still no light at the end of the tunnel.

In fact, the biggest light was in the first few days, when the struggle was just getting started. I feel that my דרך now needs to be with a main focus on עשה טוב in other areas, geshmak in learning, geshmak in davening, geshmak in doing mitzvos. And to recognize that the same כח that's making me connected to Hashem and experiencing the world on a higher level would ר"ל be flushed down the toilet and leave me shrouded in darkness if I were to listen to the enemy within. Like it says אל תתן חילך לנשים, this is your power, invest it wisely!

I feel quite a bit of desire this morning. A sense of restlessness, a power that wants to be יוצא אל הפועל. Hashem help me to use this restless power to cry out in tfilla מעומקא דעומקש דליבא, and then to open of the גמרא and beg you גל עיני עיני עיני וראיתי נפלאות מתורתך.

Day 7

simchastorah wrote on 10 Nov 2024 06:12:

I'm assuming there were tears flowing down your face when you wrote this, and if you're just a MAN who knows how not to cry, I ain't like that, I try to be a man but not always can I control myself... like now .

With love and teary eyes Akiva

No tears here. I don't find what I said to be a sad thing at all, it is what it is. I'm just not searching for a great light at the end, I'm searching for light right not.

Feeling tempted to relieve stress with p*. What does the oilam think? Good idea?

Can you go out and go on a brisk walk for an hour?

Why would it be a good idea to go watch inappropriate content??

i really need to work right now. common 'cause' for falls. i'm working at the computer, work is stressing me out, i look to acting out for relief. of course it wouldn't be a good idea. but i feel so heated up and the voice inside is telling me to do it. i'm not planning on doing it, Hashem help me hold tight

Hey simchastorah. If you find yourself unable to leave your computer, I highly recommend clicking the SOS button on the top of the GYE website. There are many great tools there to help you get through an urge and lower your stress levels.