Hi Chevra,

It's an honor and privilege to be able to join such a chashuveh chevra here, even though אנכי לא אהיה כאחת שפחותיך. 

It's been a while since I've last been here, and I'm writing because I've B"H had a התעוררות from my vacation in the ים התאוה. If only that I could have mustered such a התעוררות for אלול and תשובה and the approaching יום הדין. But it wasn't the קול שופר which woke me up, but the voice of the Shadchanim. 

Here I am, possibly less than a week from my first date, having been clean now for barely over a week.

How can I possibly do this? Do you know what I was doing last Sunday?

But for some reason I have no problem with it. 

I should be smart enough to know by now that this is לכאורה short lived, I've had enough stints like this in the past. Real change requires real change, which I have yet to do. 

Rabboisai, how can I possibly present myself to a בת ישראל, who's טהרה shines whiter than snow, with my hands dripping blood?!

How can הקב"ה be cruel enough to make someone want to marry me?

But for some reason I have no problem with it.

Am I that far gone?

If you really have no problem with P&M then why in the world should you stop doing it. But do you really have no problem? Your chances of divorce are doubled according to an ad on GYE. Do you have no problem being divorced? Women aren't stupid and they often pick up what we are doing. Do you really believe that your wife will have no problem with it? It frequently also causes havoc on bedroom life. Are you and your wife going to have no problem with that? You seem to be using P&M to escape from something that is bothering you. Are the things that are bothering you not a problem? You have been on GYE for a few years already and it is time that you face yourself squarely and ask whether it is your desire telling you that there is no problem with P&M or whether P&M really isn't a problem for you.

There are 3 questions in an exercise in the Flight to Freedom program. The first question is what is bothering you with your current behavior? The second question is what are the worst things that can happen to me if I continue with my current behavior? The third question is what are the best things that can happen to me if I change my current behavior? I suggest that you take paper or a computer and fill a few pages answering these questions. You can focus on spiritual aspects too but it is very important to write as much as you can regarding your day-to-day life. If all you can write about these questions is nothing then you are simply in denial. Perhaps a discussion with Hashem Help Me can help you get out of denial.

You are here for quite some time already. Have you done the Flight to Freedom program? Change takes change and it isn't easy in the beginning but it is well worth the effort. I suggest that you regularly post on the forum and make friends. Lurking in the background for years with an occasional post won't get you anywhere. Adam Harishon was asked a question that made him face reality. "Where have you been?"

This isn't my usual style of posting but since you have been posting for two years already, often writing that you see no problem with P&M I felt that it was necessary to write this way.

Our choshuve poster is asking a question in the title of his thread- AM I NUMB OR DUMB? He recognizes the problems and understands that he should feel a certain way, and is troubled by the fact that he does not. He wonders if he is numb. I suggest he may be, either by his actions or by whatever it is that draws him there.

Haba, you seem to recognize logically that what you have done is wrong and seriously detrimental. The obvious proof: You have decided that shidduchim means you have to stop. I totally agree with your assessment, that if you don't take any different steps, you will be no different.
The question then seems to be why you don't feel that way on an emotional level. 
I would tell you, my friend, although emotions help, that should not be the main driving force. Do what logic dictates
As far as your wondering why you truly don't feel, I'm no psychologist. But my amateur guess would be that when we are afraid to look we don't open our eyes. You are just starting out, trying to stop these things. I'd encourage you very strongly to reach out to HHM and start really working. But in the meantime, it's hard for you to really look deep inside. And therefore your mind won't let you. Trust me, one day, when your well on your way to a life of purity, and you'll stop and think what you did, you won't be numb at all. 
Wishing you tons of hatzlacha in breaking free!
Eerie
p.s. Feel free to reach out to my email, in my signature

Compartmentalization and rationalization can convince a person that he doesn’t care. That is not an indication of being “far gone”. It is an indication that you don’t have clarity.

     I think you are numb and playing dumb. Something that some but not all of us have to recognize about porn and masturbation is that it was our friend. It may not have had our best interests in mind but it was there when we needed it, it helped us cope with things, and it made life feel less lonely and more enjoyable.
    But just like a friend that doesn't have our best interest in mind we have to evaluate if this is a friend or an enemy. Are the benefits of leaving this frienship worth the trade-off?
    I can tell you as a bachur that started his journey to get clean as preparation for shidduchim that the benefits are worth it. I don't know your situation but do you constantly have images pop into your head, do you walk the streets and against your will, undress a woman at a glance. Do you have on and off mood swings. Do you feel like anyone actually knows you? Do you know yourself?
  These and more can be answered with being clean. It is extremely liberating. 

   Now another side of this is that you are starting to date. While a week or even a day is significant in terms of not falling into the seductive trap of porn and masturbation it isn't so significant that there is serious brain rewiring.

    I have conversations with people like a rav I trust, Dov, HHM about what porn and masturbation does to a relationship. It kills it!! 
Lust is the opposite of Love. If you are entrapped in Lust, it leaves little to no room for Love.
When you start a relationship with a girl it needs to thrive and lust wont let you fully give your attention and care to another person let alone your wife. Dont mistake this with me saying that lust makes a person uncaring, no, this is in reference to a true relationship between you and another person. In the end I you are still entrapped in lust you will always feel like a fraud even if you are too numb to let yourself acknowledge it which in effect creates a separation.

 Baruch Hashem you seem to be having the feeling of being a fraud and a fake bc this is a part of your growth. Now you can realize you actually are not that person with 2 lives but you are the 1 person that can and will climb out of the lust.

    Now with a proper mindset how do you actually maintain progress?
I would suggest using the method of ODAAT. I wont go into details bc this is already a long post and its getting late but basically every day is its own and what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow cant change what I am doing now, today.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Haba ליטהר wrote on 22 Sep 2024 23:50:

Dont guilt yourself, instead think, what can I do now to become ready for marriage?

All the programs are never going to help you if you don't make a conscious decision that, nothing will change unless I put myself to it, thinking about how bad you were until now, will just help you stay like this because it allows you to believe that it will always be like this, the vicious cycle tells you that you're terrible and there's nothing for you to do to change,
but nothing can be further from the truth, you are precious Neshama, who believes in himself and does care (you wouldn't have reached out if not) who wants to have a healthy marriage, and with unlimited potential to do that, even if you only start right now.
I strongly recommend that you commit to staying in touch with people here, either through posting on the forum, or reaching out directly, you need to have accountability so you can make solid change.

For me getting in touch with my emotions was a game changer, like people posted , why and where are you acting out.

Wishing you much hatzlacha and I hope you start to believe in yourself as not cruel or bad but rather as someone who struggles and will battle through this because you are a precious Neshama that cares!