Hey All,

I am a 19 year old college freshmen and CSU chico, one of the top party schools in the country.  ​I am not from the orthodox world, I was raised reform but over time I came closer to Chabad and eventually Hashem. My rabbi recently recommended me this service, but I feel like I am still struggling with my commitment. I am afraid that if I do not spill my seed I will go crazy but also know that you get nocturnal emissions of seed whenever you go without doing it, so my penis is not going to explode. 

I am not in a relationship but I fear that if I was in one she would be disappointed. I really want to be in one but have a very small Jewish community at my school and am mostly surrounded by girls who get passed around by frat guys, or just don't share my values. The problem is I am surrounded by so much living pornography, I see marks on girls necks and imagine it was me who gave it, I see them dressed up in revealing outfits at the gym or in the hallways when they are dressing up for parties and want to touch but don't, and sometimes I see people kissing in public and that almost arouses me in an uncomfortable way as I wish for that experience to be mine. 


I have read many books and watched many videos and listened to many podcasts about why P and M are bad for you. They did not offer religious explanations only psychological and scientific ones so their is no reason why this is just religious fear mongering. But whenever I tell people I want to wait to have sex during marriage, or that I hate pornography, they treat me like I am in a cult. They tell me that these things are not bad and just need to be moderated, and that I am just in a cycle of shame. My Dad is the perfect example of this as he almost complains about me not going to frat parties and hooking up with the "hot chicks." This is because he was a nerd in college who started a business and had no time for that, so he wants me to live out his missed experience. When I told my sister about my decision to commit to abstinence before marriage, she said it was because I was making an excuse for not getting laid in college. 

Is this how people on diets feel when they are surrounded by fat family members? I try to follow their advice and enjoy masturbating but even when I do I know I am lying. I know in my heart it is a waste of time, disgusting as I am covered in my own fluids, and a sin.  I tried being the "alpha male" pickup artist in college but the girls know I am putting on a facade and I know that me doing that is like a dog trying to meow. 

I keep going down a cycle of wanting to stop, having moderate success, then having a time to relapse and always taking it. The longest I have gone is 2 weeks and most recently 1 week. I have tried different programs but all of them are secular. I have a friend who is christian who monitors my activity with Covenant Eyes but he can only offer christian advice that I often find BS even if he means well. I know that when I am surrounded by affirmations that the choice is right I am more successful, I need someone to remind me of my commitments of not just quitting porn but masturbation all together. 

Can anyone be a partner, I want someone to bring the best out of and them me. 

Lion_Free

Man, you are a hero. A modern day Yosef HaTzaddik. One can only imagine the simcha you cause Hashem. Put me in your situation and i would be toasted. You have a future buddy. a bright one.  Don't be demoralized by the people around you who have never experienced self control to the level you are displaying. Deep down, under all those layers of liberalism and hedonistic beliefs, they are probably quite jealous. The nefesh of everyone out there knows the truth. People silence that voice, stuff their ears, hearts, and minds, but look at how unhappy so many people are. You deserve a golden crown, and a bear hug from all. You are nothing less than a prince.

P.S.  Just for the record, your penis will not explode even if you don't have nocturnal emissions. There is no volcano inside of you.

Greetings!

The fortitude and resoluteness you have exhibited in your endeavors to overcome the struggle are truly remarkable. The fact that you have been able to keep your feet on the ground in the face of opposition from those closest to you is a testament to your strength of character. I can't imagine how difficult it can be to resist the temptation in the environment that surrounds you, but your strong desire to get clean is admirable! Your decision to take control of your life and better yourself is truly inspiring.

I just want to emphasize how important your journey is not only for yourself but also for us here at GYE. Firstly, your struggle and determination to overcome it can serve as a powerful example for others who may be facing the challenge. Secondly, many of us would have been deep in the mud if put into your situation. Hearing from you that although porn is so readily available, still you feel that it doesn't bring true happiness, is a reassurance to what we know deep down in our hearts. The feeling of freedom from this struggle is far greater than the pleasure we get at the moment. 

Remember that every step you take towards recovery is a step in the right direction. Stay focused on your goals, and don't hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. You are not alone, and there are people who care and want to support you on your journey towards a healthier and happier life. We may come from different backgrounds, but we're all brothers fighting this mighty battle together!

We believe in you and your ability to overcome this challenge. Keep up the great work!

- Yiftach

Dear Loin_free,

I’m in owe of you! I second what HHM and Yiftach wrote.

Your clarity and determination amaze me. As HHM wrote, you’re a Modern-day Yosef HaTzaddik.

GYE is a great place, where we all look out for each other – Welcome!

Keep fighting,

Keep Rollin’

Keep plowing,

Focus on the good,

Here’s a hug,

No words. 
I'll second the words of "Hashem Help Me" A modern day Yosef HaTzaddik!
You asked, "Can anyone be a partner, I want someone to bring the best out of and them me." YES, we are all here for you. You can also reach out in private to one of us for further advice and companionship. 
Please stay connected and strong! 

I am joining in the chorus of welcome. You have courage and clarity, and I certain that Hashem will send you much blessing in your life. This is a great community. 

It’s a fascinating thing, when you reflect on it. The “world” embraces completely contradictory views simultaneously, and unsuccessfully tries to articulate a flawed worldview that is chock-full of malarkey. 

Here’s an example that you will recognize.
I think it’s pretty much universally recognized that meaningless sex is vulgar and cheap.  No one will respect someone who visits a prostitute, and a meaningless one-night-stand isn’t something that anyone would be proud of. Hollywood will idealize the relationships of those who “fall in love” , and even today will ascribe great value to long-term commitment, faithfulness , and devoted love that lasts for a lifetime. To suggest that someone engage in masturbation is a universally insulting obscenity . So clearly there’s a sense that masturbation is obscene. 

Yet, the world of people who would technically agree with the sentiments in the above paragraph does not actually act in accordance with these ideas.  No-one actually wants to LIVE in a lifestyle that would strive to safeguard casual contact and ensures that sex is practiced meaningfully, only in the sacrosanct confines of a loving, meaningful, committed marriage. That sexuality isn’t wasted for grunting self-massaging, but it rather used for the purpose it was designed for by Hashem - to connect deeply, physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually and so to create a home that is impervious to so much…. 

You are lion-hearted. You see the truth. You see, with clear-eyed vision, past the garish, false makeup painted on the face of the corpse. You want what’s warm and real and good.  You are a courageous person, and I think you will find the path that you are looking for . 

We are all better for that you are here. 
Take my hand, join in our circle. 

My Best, 
Chaim Oigen

davidt wrote on 20 Feb 2024 15:52:

I want to second what davidt wrote. You can interact with us on this forum, but you can also reach out to us privately for a different kind of one-on-on support.

I too did not grow up Orthodox and chose that lifestyle when I was 18-years-old. I would imagine that you are getting pushback for other changes you are making in your life besides just trying to resist the temptation of sexual gratification.

I imagine others on here would agree with me that you are very fortunate to be having discussions about this with your rabbi at age nineteen or at least speaking to him enough to be referred to GYE. I certainly would've done the same if I could go back in time.

Wishing you great success and you echoing what others have said above about your conviction. 

lionfree wrote on 20 Feb 2024 06:21:

Ok, now that all the GYE legends and all stars spoke their piece, let me say mine. WOWOWOWOWOW!!
I can't begin to imagine myself in such a environment, where promiscuity is encouraged, and values are looked down upon. A regular עולם הפוך ראיתי An upside down world . And still you are resisting the tide?!?!?!  HOW ON EARTH TO YOU HAVE SUCH STRENGTH?!?!?
​ I am literally amazed.

Forget about you needing a patner - I need you as a partner !!

chaimoigen wrote on 20 Feb 2024 16:10:

Welcome,

There are good people here.

The bolded part above, imho, is incorrect, but that's ok as well.

Godspeed

The Flight to Freedom program will teach you all the techniques you need in order to break free and the book The Battle of the Generation will give you the strength to do so. The book also outlines, based on Judaism, how special it is to overcome this struggle. Here is the link to the ebook: https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

It is beautiful that you have an Orthodox rabbi and that you are going in the right path. Breaking free from secular society is a process. The more you learn about Judaism, the more you will see the falsehood in the lifestyle of those that surround you. In the first siman of the Shulchan Aruch it mentions Chazal's statement not to be embarrassed by those who mock Judaism. Chazal say that a person should be brazen like a leopard in continuing his good behavior in the face of mockery, meaning that he should stand strong and ignore them. The Mishna Brura writes that he shouldn't get into an argument with them. He should just ignore them and do the right thing.

There is a lot to learn from other people on GYE. Keep on posting and sharing. Hashem Help Me is the main mentor and you may find it very beneficial to reach out to him when you feel ready to do so. Many people have also reached out to Eerie. Make some friends and keep growing. 

How can I be a HaTzaddik if I struggle regularly with beating my meat. he turned down the hot wife of an Egyptian nobleman. I don't know if I could do that. The other day I watched porn four times in one day, it was one of the worst failiures. Do I deserve to see myself as somone as righteous as him?

lionfree wrote on 20 Feb 2024 18:01:

Did you want to watch a fifth time, but didn't?

cordnoy wrote on 20 Feb 2024 17:57:

lionfree wrote on 20 Feb 2024 18:01:

You are definitely very similar to him. You are surrounded by secular people who are just as bad as the Egyptians, if not worse. Your struggles are when nobody religious sees your behavior just like Yosef who was alone in Potifar's house. Your determination not to be influenced by the people around you is also the same. You will eventually learn how to overcome these struggles and you will be in the same category as Yosef Hatzaddik also in action. Every time you resist P&M you are essentially Yosef Hatzaddik. It is his character traits that you are emulating.

In a way, your challenge is similar to those of Avraham Avinu. Yosef's challenge was regarding something that was considered immoral even by the Egyptian standards whereas some of your challenges are regarding things that are encouraged by most of society. You are like Avraham Avinu about whom Chazal say that he was figuratively on one side of the river and the whole world was on the other side.

lionfree wrote on 20 Feb 2024 18:01:

The sages teach us, that Hashem presents an individual with a challenge only if they possess the capability to overcome it. While everyone faces their own unique set of challenges, each person has within them the ability to surmount these difficulties.

In your current situation, my friend, not only is watching porn so common but you are also receiving encouragement to go down a route you don't want to take. This challenge, which Hashem has specifically designed for you, is a testament to the belief that He has in you. 

We all have falls, but what shines from you is, your clarity. You know what you want, you know what's real and you desire to reach freedom. Every time one resists, they are a modern day Yosef Hatzadik!

Keep the inspiration flowing! HUGS!

- Yiftach