So i dont know where to start, from my childhood years? bucher years? now? so i guess ill start and we'll see what happens,
I'v struggeld in these areas since i was a kid, not knowing at the time that it was problematic behavior, and as i grew so did my natural curiosity.
I discovered m**** accidently, not knowing what i was doing, i quickly got hooked cuz it felt good.....   and the rest is history. Then i found out (probably from so sfarim or kunteisim) that it was a major league issur, and thats when the guilt set in. I felt bad, ( READ: terrible) about it but couldnt bring my self to talk to anyone about it. Then i was off to E'Y and the real fun starts, but before that i must say that i still had no idea what p**n was or that it even existed!!! I had some friends with smartphones, i did not have one B'H, but we would hang out together, just some movies and sports, at one point my friend rented a smartphone and was going back to the states so i told him to give it to me and i will return it, bad move, i had it for about a week, worst week of my life, stayed up for days, (and nights....) was all over the place, i think that was my first major exposure, all the while still m***** daily, came back home after 2 years B'H got engaged and married to my most wonderful wife, i thought that m***** would be a thing of the past but boy was i wrong, but i must say that it was and still is much less frequent, but an issue non the less, i didnt tell my wife anything including that i bought phones a couple of times just to watch p*** for 45 min, get so disgusted with myself feel like a traitor and piece of trash, break the phone and my heart, this did not happen only once..... which would usually lead to m*****, i would try to work on myself but had no direction, fall, feel bad, and forget about it. This went on for 3 years, the pent up quilt and loneliness was unbearable, i got very anxious and moody which impacted my ability to connect with my wife. Until i joined GYE, was on for 2 days and i made up my mind that i cant do this on my own, so i told my wife (not everything...) very tactfully, and TYH she really really understood me, cried with me, and respected me for telling her, and i am very very very thank full for that, was on GYE did the F2F had 17 days clean and was feeling much better, Until..........
So yesterday i was in the office alone and it was game over for me, p&m, thats why i decided to type this up so you can share my grief and frustration. I need a hug and a kick in the rear..... if you have one to offer please let me know!!! 

​I would love to hear from somebody with a similar experience!!!
KOMMT!! ( Keep On Mega Monster Trucking)                

I feel your pain seeping through the words you wrote. Try reaching out to someone. Its a big step but it will do wonders (i recommend hashemhelpme). And as far as the guilt goes, leave it on the side. Right now focus on the future and making a plan. 

Thank you for your response, im not sure im ready for that now, but for when i will be, can you be so kind as to post his contact info 

.

Wow, first of all amazing courage to tell your wife and to get involved here on GYE, your definitely in the right place.
I think I can identify with much of your story even if not all the details line up. I discovered P and M in highschool, as I got to BM and realized it was a huge issur I tried to stop but kept falling back into it. I would break one smartphone and then figure out some other way to get what I wanted. Also got married and thought things would be fine, a year later and I'm watching porn on my wifes phone and unable to kick the habit. About a year ago I joined GYE and started the F2F program... and then had a few falls. 
It is normal to still fall even while working on the F2F program and especially during the time period you were in (the 2-3 week hurdle) and being alone in the office probably made it impossible (or close to it) to not give in.
So definitely feel your pain and the stress and guilt and hopelessness you are feeling. Keep posting here and you will find people you can connect with which helps tremendously. 
The road to freedom may have some potholes along the way but you can still make it if you stay on past those bumps.
Hatzlacha and keep posting!

iyh2023 wrote on 13 Nov 2023 17:33:

Yes of course i do! 
I just have a much longer story...... Thank HAahem for the years that you wernt exposed to Porn..... I was at a much younger age. na di still struggle. 
Today is a nail biter. as we speak im alone in my office an di have an unfiltered tablet in my hand, I had a few very arousing dreams tonight and im off the charts today. 
So lets make a pact not to do anything today. OK? 

Wo ho!!! you better not mess up that streak of yours.
I'm in on the pact, be back here tomorrow to make a L'chaim. 
and if cha"v we cant make a L'chaim then all the more reason to check in for a dose of chizuk!!

P.S. this is an open invite for all to join our L'chaim tomorrow, byob

Wow, so brave of you to post! Lots to say. First of all, while your right that you probably cant do this alone. Unfortunately, your wife is not the one to partner up with. There are many reasons for this, and I would advise consulting with someone on how best to proceed with or without her involvement. Dont get me wrong, I totally get the desire to be open and not hide, but its very very dangerous. And you saw yourself it didnt help much. I would reach out to Hashem Help Me, like ayn yiyush said. He has been helpful for many of us habain letaher. You can reach out to his email to start something if the phone is making you uncomftorable. Its michelgelner@gmail.com. Secondly, as this has been a struggle for years, it is integral you try something new, as the famous saying goes about insanity. You mentioned F2F, thats an amazing start. Maybe find a way to restrict access to minimize the nisayon if possible. Keep up the great work and keep us posted!

I read every single word thinking to myself that someone is rewriting my story just changing some details here and there.
You have an awesome wife! The battle is completely different when there's two minds and two hearts, just make sure to use it the right way.

Chizzuk is amazing for short term but have you thought about real change in the long run?

Why wait for tomorrow to drink l'chaim? Lechaim for 17 days!!! Get another shot tomorrow beH.

I know, i don't want to get my wife involved, but i could'nt keep it in any more.   

Dear iyh2023,

I’m so sorry to hear about your fall. Its those moments when all odds are against us that we fall.

Congrats on joining our community, we are so excited to have you here.

Kudos to you for the positive and effective moves you’ve made in your life.

PS: I can relate to your story. Check out your private messages – I sent you a hug (not in the rear).

Your story is very typical and common. The good news is many guys like yourself have come totally clean b'ezras Hashem. Keep posting, stay in touch, and find some accountability partners. Hatzlocha buddy.

iyh2023 wrote on 13 Nov 2023 17:33:

Absolutely! Very similar struggles - probably for a lot longer than you (15+ years) now B"H I've been doing great since joining GYE a couple years ago - first using the tools and forum, and more recently mostly speaking off and on with people who I've met here. Hatzlocha! With constant focus and a mega-effort in the beginning, it should Bezras Hashem get easier until it's much more manageable.

hi i recently shared that i am holding by my first 18 days clean

[p]i wanna share with you guys how my Journey continues i had 20 good clean days for my first time (maybe i had sometime in the the last 2 years 20 clean days but i never Count it) and acknowledge it, it was really hard i had allot of urge’s and Challenges but i did it

שלמה1 wrote on 14 Nov 2023 10:13:

Wow! amazing stuff! 
The most important thing that happened to me was that i was able to tell myself look i can withhold for 2-3 weeks, than i can withhold for 2-3 months and than 2-3 years and so on.