The Power and the Hope….

I wanted to give everyone an update on my journey away from P and M. I don’t know if I ever will be able to say that the problem is “solved”, but at least for the few months or so, it is almost non existent. The cycle has been broken, it was a cycle that started when I was younger than 12 and existed until recently. I am old and when I was growing up, there was no internet. I thank HaShem for that, I can only imagine the trouble that would have caused for me, if it was available then.

The cycle was very consistent. I would find “new’ porn anywhere that I could. Back then it was a dirty magazine if I was lucky or even a catalogue that had women’s bras in it would do the trick. Then it became “real” girls. I got with every one of them that I could find and do as much to them as I possibly could get away with. 

Living in a poor area, many of these girls didn’t have much and giving up their bodies was one of the only things that they had to give. It was not difficult getting a girl to “fool around” with. As the years went by the depravity got deeper and as the girls got older and wiser, it was not so easy, so. I turned to professionals and I don’t need to elaborate on the problems that caused.

Finally I met my wife and all of that depravity ended. I have never been with another woman in over 30 years, but as we all know, that is only part of the problem. Porn became much more available and as life became busier and children entered the picture, porn became the easier outlet than being with my wife…. 

Fast Forward to 2021 or 2022, I got “fed-up” with the sin and found GYE, I lurked in the background for a long time before posting. I have told this story before, so I won’t go into the details. I am only writing this morning to say to those still in the early stages of recovery, that there is immense power in this website.

GYE is the reason for my success. I give thanks to HaShem for everything, but I also thank HaShem for putting GYE into my life. The lessons, the books and most importantly (In my opinion) is the love and help for the contributors to this forum. I was skeptical in the beginning and it took taking that first big step and posting that fueled my recovery.

So please!! If you are like I was, and just reading these forums, take the big step and post something and let the power of the people in here carry you forward. They will not judge you or look down on you, actually, the opposite, they will pick you up in their collective arms and carry you levels you never thought possible.

There is both Power and Hope in these pages and that power and hope is available to everyone that asks for it.

I pray that one person who reads this, comes out of the shadows and takes that leap of faith and says hello to the incredible people in this forum and unleashes that power.

Have an amazing day!!

Wow Adam,

That post was electrifying! 
You posted everything you needed to make your point. 

I am happy for you. I wish you success in the future as well. 

I am super happy for you and for the others who will gain inspiration from your post.
I am 6 months whistle clean, not even hirhurim and over 2 1/2 years of not acting out by looking for some real action. It is a miracle from Above. I take one day at a time. Do a lot of praying, calls, meetings, reading SA and Big Book literature and have some very sober friends in recovery. My life is very challenging and I escaped into Tivas nashim to give me a feeling of relief from my emotional pain and suffering. But it didn't solve my problems. It just got me addicted. May Hashem give me and all of you another day of sobriety and freedom from lust.

I am back from my self-imposed sabbatical and doing well. The war still rages, but I win most of the daily battles. I am still not counting the days. Each day is its standalone fight, and I celebrate the win or mourn the loss every day. I left my comfort zone the other day. I was in Crown Heights with my soon-to-be son-in-law. He had never been to Crown Heights, and I wanted to show him around and have him wrap tefillin in 770. We stopped at the Ohel earlier in the day, and it was a wonderful experience for him.

As we walked Kingston Avenue and saw all the people walking and shopping, he turned to me and said, "These people are so lucky; they have such a bond and sense of community." I couldn't agree more, but I also knew that some of the people around me were struggling with P and M and were part of another beautiful community—the GYE community. 

I don't know how many (if any) of you guys are around Crown Heights, and I couldn't stop thinking about all of you and what you are going through. I wanted to hug every person on the street (I understand how weird that would be) hoping that one of the people were one of you guys here on GYE.

That brought me back here today. I miss you guys!!! 

Codesh Tov and I will be around a lot more going forward!!

Hi Adam,
I am blown away by your posts. such genuinuity (I know thats not a real word).

May Hashem keep on protecting you.
Working in IT is now small feat, as you can probably know every loophole there is out there.

May HAshem give you the strength.

EYES 

Welcome back Adam, I missed you!

I wanted to say something a little off topic. In my visit last Sunday, I branched out and went up to Williamsburg to go to a restaurant called Gottliebs. I don't know if you guys know of it, but before going I did a little research on the Jews of Williamsburg and how most of them are followers of the Satmar Sect. I am not going to judge how and why they live the way they do, but in my studies I saw that they are much more strict than Chabad in regards to smartphones and that very few people use them. I saw on a YouTube video about how they have a vending machine that you can buy a Kosher cellphone. I tried to find that machine, I thought that I would buy one of them and that would be a major step in my recovery. I know that I can just buy one online, but that would be different. Do any of you guys live or know about Williamsburg and where that machine might be? 

I am a big believer in symbolism and surrounding myself in things that have value far above what the actual item is. I thought that owning a phone from such a special place would be something that I would cherish.

BTW.. The food at Gottliebs was amazing!!

I spoke to a Chabad friend who learns in 770 and asked him if he had a smartphone, he seemed a little uncomfortable talking about it, but he said "Yes,  I have an iPhone, but it is filtered and if God made it, there must be good in it" .. I would have loved to talk to him more about it, but he seemed uneasy with the subject and I didn't want to push it.

I always get inspired from your posts.
I just want to respond to your Chabad friend,  God made pork also, and its probably pretty damn good. But the reason that God created it is not for me to enjoy it, rather to get immeasurable reward by abstaining from eating it.

Just some food for thought regarding his line of reason, without going into the smartphone discussion. 

I felt the Yetzer Hara in the air the last week or so. I was cruising right along, basking in the glow of better relations at home; my personal health was on the upswing, and my children were healthy and happy. Life was easy for the moment, but I still felt the YH lurking in the background. At first, I thought that it was something else, just a quick glance at an improperly dressed woman; no big deal happens to all of us. Then, I started looking at YouTube again. Then I had the brilliant idea of activating Instagram and just filling it with Kosher pages. I had pages and pages of good, wholesome content. I was learning how to cook new Kosher dishes and saw a bunch of places to go in Israel on my next trip. It was great! I had the internet and Social Media under control!! I was one of the lucky few who could handle the onslaught that inevitably comes from it. 

The YH had me in his sights; he had me all queued up for an attack, and I was leading him to my own slaughter...

Then it happened... I was alone in my office, nobody was around, and I was looking at my phone, and BAMN! Out of nowhere, it hit me like a tsunami. I was washed away in a sea of filth in a matter of seconds. One image led to a porn site; one porn site had me back to the chat rooms; the next 72 hours or so were a blur, and I dove completely head-first into the sewer.

I never felt so disgusted in my life, one fall after another, sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss. The porn got deep and dark, and the chat rooms were full of vermin waiting to take a piece of my soul. 

I stopped davening, I stopped wrapping, I stopped anything that was pleasing to HaShem. I ate non-kosher food... I was in freefall and found nothing to grasp onto. Was this the final descent? Was this where I was destined to be? Were the last few months just a calm before the storm? Is this the true me?

I thought about getting some cocaine, the drug of choice, to get women to do what I wanted them to do. That would be the final nail in my coffin. I tried calling the dealer that I used to use; thankfully, he was nowhere to be found. I hung up the phone, and a wave of sadness swept over me; I sat there and cried for what seemed like hours. I cried about how I disappointed HaShem, my wife, my kids, and myself. Is this how my life would end? Is this my legacy? 

I said I have to give myself another shot. This is not how my story will end. What can I do? Then it came to me. GYE is where I need to be. Just stay clean for one day and then worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. So here I am, full of shame and disgust, beaten and battered, but still here, hoping for another miracle...

Today is DAY ONE

Ouch.. these intense falls hurt! I feel your pain, I've been there as well. 
you're amazing for getting back up! Just be patient with yourself..
Just like someone who's on a hike up to the peak of a mountain, there are parts where it goes steeply downhill.. it doesn't mean you're back to square one,  it's part of the way to the peak!!
Looking forward to hearing from you! Keep strong!

battered sure, but beaten? It tossed everything at you, the brink of despair, and you fought back. you may have fallen initially, but the big test of what happens next, you passed. You're still here, you held on to what you cared about and youre still fighting.

(...You meant the other kind of beaten, didint you)

Going forward, what can you do better next time? In other words, what can you learn from this? 

You got your filter to open insta? You can set your filter to not let that happen again. Get a filter admin or something, that sets it that someone else needs to make these changes. Your filter is techloq?

I was just going to make that same recommendation. Listen buddy, You lost a battle not the war. Only way to lost the war is to lay you weapons down and surrender. For some reason I don't see you doing anything like that. 
Lets figure out what we can do going forward Like Eerie said over hereit has not been beneficial for many people to leave the relative safety of the forum. GYE is helpful only for these who are here. Lets get back to the table and redraw the battle plans. 
Better filter ?
Accountability partner?
The Battle of the generation?
 Daily presence on the forum - Even just to say Hi
Hatzlocha Brother!

Five days clean, five days back on GYE... Hmmmm... I think that I see a trend. The answer is right in front of me. I must keep checking in daily, reading these posts, and using these resources. It was my arrogance that got me in such trouble. I need to surrender to the problem and accept that I need GYE and am not strong enough to do it independently. 

Oi vy Adam, 
Its really really hurt me to read your post about those 72 hours of hell. I wish you didn't have that experience. 

But I'm here to give you a different point of view. 

Back when i was in the beginning stages of this struggle, I would have ups and downs intensely. and I would feel the same like you do. the questions would start "Who am I really?" "whom am I fooling?" "this is obviously impossible" etc....

Slowly I realized that its not true. After every long stretch of being clean and then falling, my brain sort of started realizing more and more that i really DONT want to do this! The good feelings of being pure and the gut wrenching feeling of falling and the fear of plunging even deeper, all of those memories were getting stronger and stronger. 
Until my rational mind was able to stop me before the next fall, it was saying "are you stupid? you remember how you felt last time, you know that its possible to overcome, you have so much to lose by falling and so much to gain by staying clean its not even a contest!" 
Sometimes I would even start watching porn and then after a few minutes once the initial adrenaline boost wore off, I would catch myself and wake up to the reality and then just turn it off.  

My point is that you can take a this as a very costly but extremely valuable lesson. Sear into your brain that gut-wrenching disappointment that you felt. Sear into you brain the good feelings of being clean, sit and make a logical decision, where do you really want to be? clean!
Can i stay clean? I sure can as ive proven. 
Is anything worth the pain i felt after the last fall? no! 

Slowly your brain will learn that the cost benefit analysis is very clear on this one. Yes, you will still have urges, but your higher brain will have the deep knowledge to make the right decision.