That is so incredibly kind of you to say those words. I have made some progress and while all thanks goes to HaShem, I have to give most of the worldly credit to GYE and the forums mostly. I wake up each morning with my coffee and read all of the new posts, do my “check-in” and then respond to a few and/or post something to this thread. It is a focal point of my day. it sets the tone for the day. I read about your victories and your challenges, both of which inspire me to do better. If something that I have written has helped someone in some small way, that is incredible.

I do not feel qualified to give advice yet, but hopefully I will stick around long enough and grow and learn and then be in position to give advice and guidance.

I know that the YH is always right around the corner, but that is not going to stop me from being happy and proud of what I have done. If I allow him to steal my joy, then what really have I accomplished? 

You guys rock! What more can I say? Keep showing up, keep posting, and let’s all beat this bastard together!! Have an amazing day!!

adam2014 wrote on 25 Jan 2024 10:42:

Adam, 
This post of yours is MY morning coffee for today. Woke up feeling grey. Feeling better now. 
Meeting up with growing, striving folks like you in this sacred space is inspiring, and instills in us the courage to keep going forwards. 
I love the way you write about keeping the joy for what you’ve accomplished, allthewhile knowing that future challenges abide. You’re a very special person. 

Keep posting. Thank you. 

We really are all better together than we are alone. 
Have a great day! 

Chaim

I am starting to think that a change is in order, and would like some feedback. I have mentioned in recent posts that while staying clean is getting easier and easier for me. I have had one fall in a month and on day 14 of a streak. I know they are modest numbers, but for me they are big. But those numbers have come at a price and I am feeling bad about it.

Over the last month my spirituality and observance has taken a major blow. I have stopped wrapping tefillin, I am not Davening three times a day, I cancelled some of my Chavrusa sessions. I basically have lived as a goyim over these past days. I even ate my first non-kosher food after almost 8 months. 

My thought process was “focus on staying clean, HaShem will understand”. While I do still believe that, Why such extremes? Am I just wired for an “all or nothing” approach to things.. When I was using P&M, it was usually to the extreme, but still lived a somewhat observant life (Well, my version of observant). Now I am doing the opposite in both categories.

Wrapping Tefillin has been part of my morning routine for over 20 years (but so was P&M). I want to get back to davening and wrapping, but on a certain level, I am afraid that it might trigger the bad stuff! Is that insane or what? 

any thoughts or advice on this? 

How do you see that davening, putting on Tefillin and eating kosher might be triggers for P&M? How do you see that play out? Why would they be a trigger? Also, without giving any identifying details, is there an authentic Orthodox Rabbi in your community who gives Torah classes that you can attend?

adam2014 wrote on 30 Jan 2024 10:44:

Totally relate to this feeling

It could be related to perfectionism/all or nothing that is often found in adhd's & addicts

​for me I was squishing my conscience to deal with the pain of having cheated on my wife and that was numbing my avodas H. all round too
Once I could face my SH** [don't know how to say that forcefully but nicely - any alternatives?] in the mirror, my 'ligen in lernen' took a new level almost immediately
Basically the trigger of mitzvos can be conscience, which then needs porn to dull....

[in my case I was after rehab and ready to face my conscience]

It is not the specific act of Tefillin or eating Kosher that I am afraid of. It is getting back to my “old ways”.. The good and the Bad that scares me. I had the same routine for years. I will refrain from the details of that routine, but that is what I want to stay away from. If you read some of my previous posts, I went as far as redecorating my office to create a new environment and it has worked up to this point..”The good old day were not all that good”…. As far as a Rabbi, I have an Orthodox Rabbi that I meet at least twice a week, both for learning and just as friends. I am not sure what you mean by “authentic” but telling him of my struggles is something that I am not ready for. (Yet)

I interrupt this thread to make a public announcement. This is the Yetzer Hara speaking on behalf of Adam. I have had Adam in my grasp for decades, I have pulled his strings like a puppet. I could, and have made him do many bad things over the years and I considered him one of my prized possessions. 

Now after all this time, YOU PEOPLE decide that you are going to change him? You are going to give him the freedom to live a life devoid of all the filth and smut that I have create for him? How dare you! You are just a website full of damaged people, all of who I recognize! 

Just because you banded together and support each other and give each other hope for the future, you think you can just throw me to the curb? After all I have done for (to) you??? I am not giving up, I didn’t get to this position easily and I am not going to just walk away. Look at my record, look at the world I helped create. Look at the smut and the filth around every corner. Look at what I have done with the smartphone that some of you still carry. I put porn right in your pocket. I fill your computers with all sorts of trash. I make it so easy for you… You should thank me!!! But Nooooooo.. You want to treat your wife nicely, you want to honor HaShem, you want to live free of guilt and shame… Damn you…

Adam thinks he is free and clear? Hardly… I have not retreated, I am reloading!! Enjoy your little break and let me be perfectly clear to you and all Adam’s GYE friends. I am not through with you yet! 

That is all.. Now back to your regular programming 

Oh! Thou, foul dark creature, crouching at the edges of shadow, your stained and twitchy fingers a-grasping, waiting for distraught and fumbling travelers to venture within your reach…
Aroint thee!!!  Get thee back.
We raise now, together, an incandescent firebrand against your darkness, burning white and bright with light and life!
 You have no power in this circle- Get you back to hell where you belong -Demon, doppleganger, undead ghoul who steals men’s souls and often wears our own faces. You shall have no power here, as long our hands stay linked and this sacred circle stands intact.

Adam, now that he’s gone (for now), here’s a hug. 

If you have a relationship with a rabbi with whom you meet twice a week, I suspect that you would find him to be compassionate and understanding of f you would take the courage to share your struggles with him. You can start with some of them and see how he responds. Opening up to someone trustworthy you’re close with in person can be a completely life changing experience. 

Another thought, if I may. Tefillin  have the power to infuse your body with holiness. The names of Hashem that are spelled out in the wrapping of the straps convey the message that it is not the inanimate objects that bring G-ds name into the world, but rather a person’s actions that do it. Your act of wearing Tefillin, especially when it’s hard - can elevate you… 

We’re in this together. You are not alone. 

Chaim

“Another thought, if I may. Tefillin  have the power to infuse your body with holiness. The names of Hashem that are spelled out in the wrapping of the straps convey the message that it is not the inanimate objects that bring G-ds name into the world, but rather a person’s actions that do it. Your act of wearing Tefillin, especially when it’s hard - can elevate you”

You are 1000% correct on Tefillin. Wrapping those boxes of leather over the years has been such a source of strength for me. It was the official beginning of my day. It was my special time with HaShem each morning. I miss it like I miss an old friend… I know that I need to get back to it ASAP. It is 535am, it is still dark… I will wrap this morning. I will take a chance and your message will be the catalyst for me beginning my journey back to honoring HaShem like I know I should.

Thank you Chaim!! I needed to hear that

First Fall in a long time. I broke my personal record by a mile. I was (and still are) feeling great. It was just one of those things that I will probably have to wrestle with forever. It was a hard and frustrating day at work. I came home a little tired and aggravated, and one thing led to another, and I fell. 

The filters on my computers worked, and I used only the computer in my head that the filter didn't work this time. I did not have the immediate wave of guilt come over me. I felt bad for a minute and then said, "Another bump on the road." The good news is, I also didn't get the same satisfying feeling of relief that I used to get. That immediate but short-lasting rush of dopamine that usually accompanies such an action. 

It didn't take away the stress from a bad day at work or make me feel any better. It was more like, "That was a waste of time"... The rewiring of my brain is working. I am a different person now. I am still very optimistic about the future.

Great post buddy. First of all it appears you did not see anything inappropriate online. If that is so, keep a separate count going for keeping your eyes clean. Secondly, the fact that it was a one-time episode and not continuous binging, is a sign of a healthy mind. Lastly, being optimistic about the future shows that you understand that your fall was a fall into a ditch and not a fall down the entire mountain.

Dear adam2014,

Great post, I love every word. Everything you wrote is so true, thank you! The rewiring the brain is amazing and we clearly see it working – with that amazing attitude of yours.

And I second every word HHM wrote as well – you’re a genius!

@adem2014 keep Rollin’ and focus on the good.

adam2014 wrote on 10 Feb 2024 11:01:

Love it!! Keep climbing, friend!!!

@Adam2014. 
I respect you to no end. How someone with your background (the little that i know what you shared) Is able to grow in this difficult area, and you are able to grasp that power that you have and you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 
Amazing! Keep it up. 
Maybe sign up for the daily emails. They are amazing to keep you motivated. 

Another example of the change I am going through played out yesterday at work. There is a girl who works there that I have known for 20 years. She is attractive and very friendly. I don’t think she gets enough attention at home from her husband and comes to work hoping to have the guys” flirt” with her. I admit that in the past, she was a trigger for me and led to many falls. 

Yesterday, she came to my office to ask a question, and she hung around after getting her answer in the hopes that we could have a little “small talk,” which, in the past, I would readily give her. Instead, after answering her, I politely asked her if there was anything else she needed and made it clear that “small talk” was not on the agenda for the day. She asked me if I was “OK”… I chuckled and said.. “I’m more than OK, I am getting better everyday”.. she awkwardly turned and walked away.