In order to run away from something successfully, you must have somewhere to take refuge.

Create a clarity and vision of who you want to be and seek refuge there.

Grant400 wrote on 07 Jun 2023 22:32:

One who murdered through carelessness must go into Golus in an Ir Miklat. 
The Shem Mishmuel explains that the idea is not merely that he endure being exiled from his previous life, with refuge in the Miklat.
Rather, he must run away from a life in which he was capable of wanton carelessness, and journey to discover a new way of living, in the sanctuary and refuge of the Ir Miklat, [surrounded and under the influence of the Leviim who live therein, living an elevated lifestyle.]  

We all gotta do that in our own way. 
A little פירוש ותוס'  on General Grant's thoughtful rant, with grateful appreciation....

chaimoigen wrote on 08 Jun 2023 11:58:

Gevaldig! To which I would add that I think Chazal say (can someone remind me where?) that the disconnect of the leg of the letter 'ה' is there to give baalei teshuva a place to come back through. But (this part is I think Rav Leuchter or Rabbi Elefant) there are two spaces, on on the bottom, where he fell through, and one on top where he comes back through. Veist ois that we have to come back a different way than we left; we need a different mehalach than just "oops I fell  from here, let me jump back in". We need to come from somewhere else. (Somewhere new, different, higher).

richtig wrote on 08 Jun 2023 14:03:

And we need to work hard on climbing up the leg to be able to reenter, and we must always remember that the abyss is still open under us, and if we don't stay alerted we can fall back in at any given moment.

Contrary to a seemingly ingrained belief, it is not an obligation for me to grade every woman that walks by from top to bottom.

It's simply not my business.

Learning that my natural response to specific circumstances in the past - doesn't have to be my natural response today, helped me overcome those panicky feelings of deja vu when in the past it meant a fall was imminent.

I've changed, so the math has changed too.

Wife:

"I have a bad headache."

"Let's go on vacation."

"Thank you for your help."

"I'm so tired."

"That was so thoughtful of you."

"I'm so annoyed with you."

As long as my first response is calculating the probability of having sex, I still have work to do.

Grant400 wrote on 07 Jun 2023 22:32:

Love it

That one extra glance, one moment of fantasy, or one click of the mouse on the ad that pops up - can lead to hours or days of dealing with the effect.

It's just not economical.

Comparison: 

A tried and tested way to destroy beauty, relationships, attraction, marriage and happiness.

"When I turn 20 it's over"

"Now that I'm engaged there's no way I'll fall"

"The cutoff is when I get married"

"I'm a father now, it's a whole new me"

"After my second child there's no going back"

Sounds familiar?

Changing circumstances does not foment long term change.

Changing yourself does.

- Richtig, June 14 2023

Step three: Surrender

You must surrender to the fact that you will never understand what this step is supposed to mean.

Those days when the sky is blue, the birds are chirping in the soft breeze and I feel light and free - make all the battles worth it.

Cleaning. Affection. Cooking. Shopping. Gifts. Helping. Laundry. Notes. Concern. Etc.

If you are doing this because of an endgame in mind, you are still being selfish.

Grant400 wrote on 16 Jun 2023 14:03:

Or out of guilt