Hello everyone

The last time I logged onto this site was quite a while ago and so I figured the best way to start again would be by writing down some of my feelings and trying to figure out where I'm holding and what I need to do to hopefully make it this time. I have been struggling with porn for close to 17 years at this point and while I have had some stretches were I was been able to control myself, ultimately I have always fallen off the wagon and needed to start again. Sometimes I am able to dust myself off and start again the next day but too often once I fall it takes me a few days until I have the strength to start a new count. I have realized that while I do have all the standard precautions like a filter etc it's more often then not that it's a random picture or advertisment that will actually set me off. At that point I have usually been clean for a number of days and so anything pretty much has the ability to set my mind racing and then it's only a matter of time before I fall. I don't know how people deal with that issue because at least in my opinion it's virtually impossible not to see something that can set you off when you are not in the greatest state of mind but it's definitely something that I need to work on. At this point I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as possible with work and family in the hopes that even if I do see something I won't have the time to really think about it because I will be so busy. The one clear thing that has actually kept me going is the fact that I know that within a few days of stopping I actually feel more clear minded and less uptight where as if I'm in middle of a downturn I am more likely to be uptight because I'm busy being annoyed at myself for messing up again. It's actually one of the things that motivates me to always try again because I know in just a few days I will be less uptight. I know your spouse knowing about your addiction can make a difference especially when they don't understand why I am uptight for no reason but the few times I have casually brought up the topic the response wasn't great and while I'm not saying she wouldn't be supportive it's still not something I am comfortable talking to her about. Maybe one day I will have the courage to let her in on my dark secret but for now this is a battle that I am fighting alone. This also means that I need to be understanding that just because I am not in a great place all the time and would like more intimate time with her to help me control my urges, doesn't mean she will be interested or in the mood. This is not an excuse for me to start watching again and I need to control that urge. The times of the month that we can't be together are definitely a struggle. I have a hard time falling asleep and with nothing to distract me from my imagination i know it's only a matter of time before I mess up. Stress for me has always been one of my biggest triggers and so I always need to be careful if I feel like I'm getting stressed at work or I didn't really sleep the night before because I know I won't have the strength to fight off the urges like I should. This fight isn't easy and I know I have a long way to go before I really feel like I have a good grip on my situation but hopefully writing all this stuff down will help me to move in the right direction.

Thank you for posting. You are definitely correct that writing everything down is very helpful.

Have you ever read the battle of the generation? If not, I highly recommend reading a little bit each night. Much of the book works on changing your perspective towards the struggle and building yourself up with both motivation and willpower.

The urges are perfectly normal. We have to train ourselves to not focus on them and to move on from them.

I personally have found music to be a great way to take me out of the outside world and keep my mind from wandering.

Best wishes for continued success
Vehkam

Hatzlacha! Writing things down is great. I do that too though offline in a notebook.

Thank you for writing this down.
I know you mentioned that there's no way your wife can know about this at this point, but maybe if you both speak to a therapist you'd be able to bring it out in way that she can hear and support you as well.
it is much harder fighting alone :/

Hashem should help you bH that this coming year you'll be able to see the way out!! 

It looks like you had a lot to get out.  No need to disappear again, how are things now?

Wow. 
I empathize with much of what you are saying, the getting excited over every little thing you see on the street, the difficulty of broaching the topic with your wife, and the struggle of an imagination when you're tired and in bed but can't fall asleep yet.
Since I am currently struggling with those exact problems right now I will share my progress so far.
For things in the street I had an advantage that I wear glasses, without them every thing beyond two feet is a blur, I can still see cars coming and people walking but there is no clear picture, so whenever I am outside I take them off. Besides that you can try training yourself to always be looking down or slightly above eye level which makes it hard to see accurately any person or advertisement.
For talking to your wife I don't yet have any good ideas. my wife comes from a very sheltered home and I don't think she knows what P and M are. I have mentioned to her that there is a large movement in the frum world about shmiras eiynayim and that I'm trying to take it very seriously, which helped me explain the taking my glasses off on walks and getting a better filter on my computer. It might also work for when your uptight after a fall not to tell her that you fell but just that "recently I've been in challenging situations for shmiras einayim and it's very difficult and takes a lot of energy to fight the yetzer." but depends on your wife. And you are completely right that sometimes the wife just isn't in the mood to be together and you can't always get her in the mood. The only perception I've had on that which I found helped a little was 1) trying to keep in mind that being together with her is my way of taking care of her and therefore if she is not in the mood then it's not helping her. 2) not expecting her to consent. If you go in expecting to be together and get shrugged off, you've already gotten excited and will have a hard time backing down afterwards.
For falling asleep at night I also used vekham's idea of listening to music, or a shiur or audio book. something which you are interested in.
Hatzlacha rabah.
If you want to discuss things in the future since it sounds like we are fighting similar battles feel free to PM me.