Today I actually matched the previous highest number of consecutive days I have been able to go without m. Tomorrow will mark one more day than my previous highest streak but I don’t know if I’ll make it. I spent about 3-4 hours today watching p after asking my mom to take off my filters. That’s the only loophole that exists in my filter and it’s because I haven’t told my mom about the struggle. I didn’t m but there were some slight emissions. Does anybody know if that’s seed or pre-seed? Because that then defeats the whole purpose of me not m, not that I should go and do it but to really avoid watching it. And I don’t want to watch the stuff either but the pull has been getting really hard lately and I feel like garbage. I don’t even know if I should restart the count and if I did emit seed then I failed entirely and lost it. I don’t want to be a streak freak or anything but I just feel like garbage and Watching that for so long in a straight period is making me feel confused right now. 

I don’t know if this is the right place for this, I just need answers and to get out of this thought process. It’s so depressing and confusing and my head doesn’t feel the same.

be honest with yourself, was it a fall?

Yea it was a fall just not to the extent of m. 

ok brush yourself and start over achi!!!! youre going to do this!!!!!!!!

It is a huge thing that you were able to hold back and not go through with the act, that shows a lot of strength. I second the above, keep going you will succeed!

My dear friend, Remember, filters are important cuz it keeps the triggers away! And removing triggers is part of the necessary components for victory! but all the filters won’t work if there’s no clarity from within why you wanna not watch porn.. we fight losing battles when we expect our filters to fight for us.. fighting without a strong inner clarity is fighting a losing battle..cuz we love porn and after some time the filter will just be a restrictive force in the way and we’ll get it removed somehow. Or we’ll buy a new device! We all know how this game goes… how about you take a few papers and jot down 50 real powerful reasons about why you never wanna watch porn again in your life.. and then every morning and night review that paper for the next long long while until your brain gets retrained and automatically doesn’t crave porn... that’s a way to maintain a clear clarity. Let me know if this tip is helpful for you if you try it. 
much hatzlacha dear chaver! And good luck! You can do this! We’re rooting for you!

“Tried everything”

Shmuel - has a struggle with porn.. he gets triggered and falls every now and then… he can’t seem to overcome this struggle.

Yehuda- a supportive friend.

This is a conversation that took place between shmuel and Yehuda..

shmuel- “I keep falling I’m so depressed I can’t do this anymore”

Yehuda- “it’s never too late keep trying”

Shmuel- “but I tried everything nothing seems to work”

Yehuda- “wow that must be so hard”

A couple hours later…

Shmuel- “I think I can do this..”

Yehuda- “wow! So nice what will you do differently”?!

Shmuel- “I’m gonna get a stronger filter”

Yehuda- “but this is your 6th time doing that.”

Shmuel- “yea but maybe this time it’ll work”

Yehuda - “if someone gave you 1 million dollars if you stop watching porn for the next 365 days… is that all you would put in place to make sure you don’t fall?”

Shmuel- speechless.

Yehuda- that’s how you know if a plan has a good chance… that’s how you know when you tried…

Shmuel- hmm…

Yehuda- is suffering from porn with all the misery for years worth less then 1 million dollars?

Shmuel- no, way more then a million.. the pain is so way more intense…

Yehuda- if for a million dollars you’d do a lot more then the above plan…to take someone out of the deep ocean to happy free person shouldn’t we Forsure do the same?

Lesson is -

Guys, you know when you tried- if you were to get 1 million dollars if this plan succeeds for 365 days.. would the plan just be a better filter?

Or…….

would it be a clear concise plan that blocks every trigger, every possible thing that can lead to a fall, a plan on how to be maintain a long term clarity and motivation why you wanna stay clean… a plan that could seem to work regardless of the mood your in that day! Regardless if it’s day 10 or 100 or 1000 or 10,000.

I did something similar to that with the new flight to freedom program with the cost benefit analysis. But I can definitely add more negatives and I should definitely review them more. I used to review them once a day but the very day I stopped was yesterday when I gave in. 

The more you review, the more it will iyh become real...

Hashem Help Me wrote on 17 Jan 2022 22:13:

if I can add, also the more you dwell on the real inner reasons why you wanna stop! the reasons that come to you right after falling! those are really powerful!

So I failed again by watching even though I didn't do anything more. I did it through my mom's phone which she lets me use to "fix" the filters as I tell her anytime that I ask her. I told her to not to do that without her looking over me and she already knows my problem but this is still a big problem. I don't want to tell her that I've been doing what I have with her phone. 

I actually tried setting up filters on her phone with apple screentime before and again today but it is just acting weird. I tell my mom to put in her password for the screentime but it says wrong passcode even after resetting it. Meaning that my mom obviously knows the passcode but there is something going wrong with the screentime itself. I tried resetting both of our phones but that doesn't help and I've updated both of our phones to the newest update. Nothing still works and I've told my mom to supervise me when I'm using her phone but she is lax in that regard. Any ideas on how I can resolve this without too much stress? Everything with apple screentime is going good on my end by the way it's just her device.

Hey buddy, it seems whenever there’s access “we”slip.. to me that means your using this filter or “non access” as your tool to fight… unfortunately in our generation it’s not about necessarily distancing the triggers (porn) cuz in a persons life there will always be access somewhere… for example in a hotel, and it can go as far as using your cleaning lady’s phone. There’s no end to this.. based on my experience and what I’ve seen the real eitza is to come bulletproof from within! regardless of the here and there access…  yes- distancing the triggers with filters etc is super important but it’s only 25% of the battle. But we’ve all trained our brain that filters is the key to stop porn.. we need to remember there’s a lot more that necessary to stop.. because we won’t always be feeling that disgusting feeling after the fall.. the us that wants to improve! After some time we feel this stuff Is good tasting.. so we find ourselves trying to outsmart our filter system… we need to change the mindset of a filter.. it’s just a push nothing more. We need to figure out creative ways to keep our clarity going.. the clarity that even if we’re using an unfiltered phone we should know we don’t wanna go there. 

Here are some ideas, 
1.making porn not an option in your brain! Therefore it won’t be filter based. It always makes the fight so much easier! How about making a vow you’ll rip up 20$ within 24 hrs of viewing porn? This is just one of many ideas of making it not an option. 
2. 

make a system to keep your clarity going. The clearer we are why we don’t wanna view porn the easier it’ll be stay back. After all the more we don’t like something the easier it is to not touch it. (perhaps writing down every reason why you wanna stop porn and triggering material? and reminding yourself it each day for 10 min?)
3. Often we take the lazy way! Realize, we need to stay away from porn on day 1,10,100,1000,10,000 - if we want to be successful and that means a lot of work!

An example of reaching a clarity to not fall to porn.

(This isn’t aimed at any username to give them mussar that they need to grow and stop falling it’s just an example of what motivation can look like)

1. We will ALWAYS not wanna watch! We are always upset with our behavior! (Since it destroys our hearts and minds and our whole life) The question is when will we tap into it?! Now? Or… after we fall! When we feel like we wish we’re buried under the soil.
2. Once we understand that we’re gonna always be unhappy with our “watching of porn” we’re just giving in to the cycle that we’ll always wanna stop so why not just stop?
3. We truly feel horrible since we made an incredibly stupid decision, we feel sticky and uch! Like why why why! Why did my eyes have to see that!
4. We feel so full of guilt! Like how on earth did i do this?!? And if we’re on a good streak we’ll hear the words in our head I was doing sooooo well now I’m back here!
5. Sad- how did I ruin everything?! Now I’m back to square one.
6. Worthless- we feel our minds are like a toilet.. or better say - an overloaded sewer system! I’m not capable.
7. We feel angry- how many times are we gonna try!?! How many times do I have to see myself fail! How many day,  months and years!!
8. We’re overloaded with a whole bunch of extra tayvos now! A whole new video in our brain! The thoughts an cravings that come because of it are absolutely ridiculous!
9. We’re ruining a chance to have a clear mind
10. The way breaking free works is because this is very visual the more we stay away the more our brain forgets that high and what it looked like and everything like that! And by keep on falling we don’t allow that process to start!
11. We feel like a double standard! Putting on teffilin in the morning and yet doing the biggest aveiros later! It feels like a knife to our heart! We feel so fake! Our sincerity feels like a lie.
12. Ruining a chance to feel free! There’s no better feeling of realizing this parsha is behind me! The constant doubts are gone! The ones like “should I fall?! Should I not?!? But maybe! But it’s right here!” “I’ll just do teshuva right after!” “Oh one video will be enough!” “I’ll feel so much better.”
13. Ruining a chance to look back and realize how long you came! Trust me it’s yetzias mitzrayim! It’s a feeling of “wow I’m a real fighter I’ve been clean for so long”
14. Navigating lust to porn isn’t an option cuz we can’t have a happy frum marriage and home of kedusha and tranquility etc while having this horrible issue in the way! Which means for the - unmarried guys your only buying time by allowing your mind to turn there since we must gain full full control of this before a happy marriage starts and honestly a happy life starts! And for the married guys- your killing your wife and your killing this golden opportunity of a happy household. - We don’t live forever.
15. Porn also means for 99% of people automatically mz”l so it’s really killing a lot of birds with this dumb ugly stone.
16. Porn also ruins the chance for intimacy it’s trains the brain to love that sexual excitement and intensity which will only cause issues cuz sexual intensity never lives up to the hype and it will make one’s mind become completely distorted.

Don’t we wanna avoid all this damage!!??!??

If you wanna mess up your life - go fall. And I’ll see you agree with this in an hour from now… probably, even in 5 minutes from now. Actually if your married, maybe think about your poor wife and how much your making her suffer… and if she doesn’t know, The dynamics of your relationship is surely affected. And if your single have some rachmanus on your future wife so she can marry a clean strong individual!

If you wanna remain happy,

Realize this!! It’s true.. this doesn’t make you happy! Go do something instead of this fake stupidity and at least channel your lust to something better. Go get a good sandwich that you’ll actually not kill your life by doing.

Thanks a lot, I appreciate the support.