"Dear Hashem,
I'm feeling so upset. Frustrated. Angry. Disappointed. Things are just not working out. I'm feeling deeply hurt by certain people. I'm feeling in despair. I just don't know how to continue. I daven to you. I cry to you all the time. On the outside I appear confident and strong but you Hashem can see my broken heart. במסתרים תבכה נפשי. You can see my streaming tears. You can hear my sadness.. I'm trying so hard to do my best. What do you want from me? What am I doing so wrong? Why are all of my friends so matzliach and not me? Is it perhaps because I have sinned so much in the past? You yourself are the one who put this horribly sly YH inside me! And my sins happened partly as a direct result of my unfortunate circumstances. What's wrong? And why are you not answering me? It's so frustrating. I'm experiencing immense צער הנפש and feel so stuck in a life I hate. One thing I know for sure: acting out is not the answer! I'm 76 days clean and the urges are very strong. Please help me to pull through and please give me some clarity. Thank you Hashem and thank you for the many blessings in my life." 

BH passed the nisayon of last night. Circumstances haven't changed, but feeling a lot lighter since I was able to unload here.
TYH for GYE.

upanddown wrote on 24 Jul 2025 22:31:

My Beloved Child,

Your tears do not fall unnoticed. במסתרים תבכה נפשי - yes, I see every tear, hear every cry. What you call unanswered prayers, I call preparation.
You ask what I want from you? Exactly what you're giving Me right now - your broken heart turned toward Me, your 76 days of choosing light over darkness. "לפום צערא אגרא" - according to the pain is the reward. Your struggle itself is your service to Me.

Did I place this yetzer hara within you? Yes - not as cruelty, but as opportunity. "לפי גודל האדם כך יצרו" - according to the greatness of the person is his yetzer hara. Your intense struggle is evidence of your soul's potential, not your failure. Your friends' external success? Each neshamah has its own tikun. Some souls are designed for external achievement; yours is designed for internal transformation. Your hidden victories matter more to Me than any material success.

You feel stuck? What you call being "stuck" I call being planted. These 76 days aren't just about avoiding sin - they're about becoming who I always knew you could be. Why does it feel like I'm not answering? Because the answer isn't always in changing circumstances - it's in changing you. Every prayer, every tear, every choice for connection over escape - this is My answer taking shape within you.

You're feeling urges now? This is precisely when your real strength shows. When every fiber pulls you toward old patterns and you choose Me anyway - this is where you become a warrior of light. I don't love you because you're perfect. I love you because you're Mine. Continue davening, continue choosing Me. Your breakthrough is exactly on time.

Oh God! I haven't really been so active lately, but your pain jumped out and hit me with such force, I feel compelled to acknowledge it. I could have written both your painful post, and your follow up a day later, about one month ago. It's so so painful and frustrating, especially when we're in a rut and don't see how circumstances will change. Man, I have no words for the strength of character you must have,, to have been able to pull through your נסיון just by posting. You have my utmost respect, and my prayers for your circumstances to change for the better, swiftly and speedily. For whatever it's worth, here's a tight, empathetic huge bearhug.

Had a productive win last night. By productive I mean that I was able to analyse my feelings and rewire my brain.

The cycle just a few months ago:
UNSATISFIED>GUILT>DISPAIR>CRAVING COMFORT>BROWSE YOU TUBE>FANTASIES>REMOVE FILTER>ACT OUT>ACT OUT>ACT OUT>DEPRESSION>ACT OUT>GYE

The cycle on day 80:
UNSATISFIED>GUILT>DISPAIR>CRAVING COMFORT>SLIGHT SLIP ON YOU TUBE>STARTED FANTASISING> COUGHT MYSELF>STOPPED>FOUND ALTERNATIVE SATISFACTION>MOVED ON>FEELING GRATEFUL>GYE

Thank you my dear brothers.

upanddown wrote on 28 Jul 2025 09:01:

This is the stuff of legends! HERO!!! Thank you so much for sharing. It brings so much Chizuk to me personally, and I'm sure to others as well.

I need a place to vent 
I don't know if this makes sense, but I'm fed up with Hashem. How could He allow me to get myself into such horrible things? 
I'm fed up with myself, and how come I can't just be a normal person like everyone else.
I'm fed up with my nisyonos and my addictions.
I'm fed up with all the times that I failed miserably.

Dear Bochurwhosstruggling,

Welcome to the Forums! I feel your pain. The feeling of being fed up is something that I have felt many times, incl being fed up and even angry with Hashem. The never ending cycle of falling and getting up and falling again etc is so frustrating and emotionally draining. 
All I can say is, you've come to the right place! There is hope. And with the correct understanding and techniques you will be able to snap out of this cycle and become the person you wish to be.
Meanwhile, why not start your own thread and share with us a little about your challenges? You'll discover many special Yidden here on the forums who have alot of knowledge and experience and will be able to support you on your journey.

Please don't be upset with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Our generation is going through Nisyonos that have never existed and all those "normal people" that you're talking about are most likely struggling just as much. If you enjoy reading I very much recommend reading "The Battle of the Generation", see link in my signature. 

Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha,
חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown

seems like a lot of pain, but knowing that you're part of such a caring family and so many success stories should give you the reassurance that you will win Big!!

hashemisonmyside wrote on 05 Aug 2025 16:46:

As long as you stick with us. Keep on posting and sharing.

90 days BH!

Urges are still very strong at times but it feels good. It feels right.

For me, the biggest perk of being clean is the transparency.
No more hiding stuff.
No more dark secrets...
No more fear of being caught.
No more double life. 
No more guilt.

There is only one website that I still hide the screen from everyone around me:

TYH

upanddown wrote on 07 Aug 2025 08:09:

Amazing! Keep going and iy'h you'll have many more perks to add to this list. To name a few:

Way better marriage and connection to your wife
Way better connection to your kids
Way better connection to g-d
Way better self esteem

Hatzlacha! 

-Diamond 

at some point these urges will turn into opportunities.... just keep climbing the mountain....

diamondwithaflaw wrote on 07 Aug 2025 15:26:

Of course there's a long list of benefits of being clean... What I said was that "For me, the biggest perk of being clean is the transparency."

hashemisonmyside wrote on 07 Aug 2025 16:12:

Not sure what you mean... Every urge is an opportunity for growth.