Chapter 11
Making the Decision to Change
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The incredible story of the teshuva of Rabbi Elazar ben Durdia is related by the Gemara (Avodah Zara 17a). Elazar ben Durdia was known to have visited every woman of ill repute in the world. Once, he heard of such a woman who lived far away. He amassed a bag of gold coins and traveled across seven rivers to reach her. When she met him, this woman recognized his depravity and told him that he would never be accepted back in teshuva. Struck by her statement, he ran out
of the house.
Elazar sat between two mountains and valleys. He cried out, “Mountains and valleys, beg for mercy on my behalf!” The mountains and valleys declined his request. He then asked the heavens and earth to beg mercy for him, but he was turned down again. He called out for the sun and moon to plead on his behalf, and they too refused. He begged the stars and constellations for help, and he was rebuffed once again.
Finally, Elazar said to himself, “It all depends on me!” He sobbed bitterly over his sins until he died. At that moment, a heavenly voice proclaimed, “Rabbi Elazar ben Durdia is ready to enter Olam Habba.”
When Rebbe (Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi) heard this, he cried and said, “Some people acquire their portion in the World to Come
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over many years, while others acquire their portion in one minute!”
Rebbe continued, “Not only do they accept those who repent
[in Heaven], they even call them ʻRabbi!’”
There is a lot to learn from this story. Let’s start by
examining what caused Elazar ben Durdia to do teshuva. What
changed? Before this woman told him that he wouldn’t be
accepted back in teshuva, didn’t he know that what he had been
doing his whole life was wrong? Of course he knew Hashem
didn’t like promiscuity, but that did not stop him from acting as
he pleased. What changed now? What woke him up and caused
him to change his life?
Rabbi Shafier (Shmuz 3: “Yom Kippur: The Power of
Teshuva,”
www.TheShmuz.com) answers that Elazar realized
he had hit rock bottom. When that sinful woman made her
remark, he understood that he had fallen lower than he’d ever
thought possible, certainly lower than where he was comfortable
viewing himself. That shocking realization broke through all his
rationalizations, waking him up and enabling him to see clearly.
Not liking where he saw himself brought him to tears, and he
turned around immediately. Of course, Hashem accepted his
teshuva; Hashem eagerly awaits the repentance of even the most
sinful people because of His tremendous love for all His children.
For many people, there comes a point in their lives when
they overstep their bounds and do what they never thought they
would stoop to do. The shock and regret they feel afterward is
searing. It is vital that they respond properly to this pain because
this moment is the most critical moment of their lives. In that
instant, they can decide to see past their rationalizations and
change, or they can defend their decisions instead.
Unfortunately, no matter how they respond, it will be
painful. Whether they commit to act differently or try to deny
their mistakes, they cannot completely quell the agonizing
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realization that they have done something wrong. Deep down, they know they failed, and that feeling is excruciating.
But there is a way for a person to mitigate much of this pain, and that is by saying to himself, “I will make this the most productive thing that ever happened to me because I am going to use it to change my whole life! Years from now, I am going to look back and realize that all I have become is because of what happened today, and that had it not happened, I probably would have continued to plummet further instead. I am going to become a different person and reach greatness because of what happened!” Making what happened productive by deciding to turn around because of it eases the sting of regret like nothing else can. Best of all, it is a huge shortcut on the road to self-control. It enables us to attain lasting change much faster than usual.
Of course, we must also remember that teshuva completely wipes away our sins as if we never did them.19 Once we repent, we no longer have to feel down about what we did. We can take comfort in the knowledge that our error has been erased and move on.
There is another lesson we can learn from this story. When Elazar ben Durdia tried to do teshuva, he first reached out to the elements of nature, requesting they do teshuva on his behalf. What was he doing? Did he really think the mountains and stars could repent for him?
Rav Yonasan Eibeshutz (Ya’aros Devash, Volume 2, Derush 10) explains that Elazar ben Durdia was trying to blame his behavior on his surroundings. He tried to blame society for his wrongdoings. But eventually, he realized that if he wanted to change, everything depended on him alone. No one else could change him and make him repent. If he wanted anything to
19. See Rambam Hilchos Teshuva 7:4.
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change, he had to take responsibility for his mistakes, and even
more important, for what his future would be like. He had to
cut past all his excuses and his identity as a lustful person. He
had to resolve that he would change things and not let anything
hold him back. That was the only way for him to successfully
do teshuva.
This is a critical lesson for us. We all have various
rationalizations for our behavior when we mess up. Anyone who
doesn’t have these rationalizations wouldn’t be able to handle
the guilt and self-criticism that come after sinning. And the truth
is that these excuses might be built on some very good points.
We really are living in a challenging generation, and we face
tests from all sides. Our friends might be into the wrong things,
we experience social pressures from those around us, and we
encounter warped perspectives from society on what matters
in life. Sin is far more accessible than it ever was, and its sales
pitch is much more tempting and far-reaching than it was even
one generation ago. People in past generations could never have
even dreamed of the challenges we face. For good reason, we
wonder what could possibly be expected of us. Our behavior is
typical for anyone challenged so much. It takes much planning
and effort to succeed.
But those rationalizations won’t get us anywhere. If we
continue to use them, we will stay the same for the rest of our
lives, wishing we could do better and feeling bad for giving in.
Does anyone enjoy feeling that he is a slave to his passions? Do
you want to feel powerless and inferior for the rest of your life?
Nobody does. We only settle for that because we lack a better
alternative. Well, there is a better alternative — to get up and
fight! We can tell ourselves that we are sick of the guilt and that
we hate feeling incapable of reaching greatness. We can leave our
past behind and begin anew. We can free ourselves from the grip
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of desire and follow our dreams of greatness, just by making that decision to fight!
The key to quick, lasting change is the statement Elazar ben Durdia exclaimed: “It all depends on me!” He was telling himself, “I cannot rely on anyone else if I want things to be different! I must take care of it myself! I have to make it happen, and that is exactly what I will do!” Taking responsibility enabled him to make the most dramatic transformation in history, and that is how we can do the same and reach great heights, no matter how challenging our situation is.
We do not need to blame ourselves or beat ourselves up to make this turnaround happen. We need not revisit the past to decide to change. (Although wishing we had acted differently is part of the teshuva process, we can leave it for later if it is too daunting to deal with right away.) All we need to do is think about our lives until we realize that we are not happy with the way things are and then say to ourselves, “I am going to make things different.” Of course, we must rely on Hashem for His help because we cannot succeed without it, but then we must shed all our checkered history because all that is irrelevant now. Once we have decided to change and we know Hashem is helping us, we are capable of success!
Once we have decided to change, we no longer are our old selves who messed up so many times. We have left all that behind and have become new people. We are in control, and we are proud of who we now are! That is how we must identify ourselves from now on.
We must avoid making excuses or blaming our circumstances, which stops us from succeeding. But we must also forget about harshly judging ourselves, which would be wrong and irrelevant. Instead, we must focus on the exceptional person we want to be. We must have confidence that we will
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eventually reach the great heights we aspire to because we have
taken responsibility for getting there! Since we have decided to
change, nothing can hold us back. Nothing will be stronger than
our determination to succeed and reach greatness!
The Chazon Ish (Emunah U’Bitachon 4:1) writes that
although our Sages taught us about many different middos and
how to perfect them, one middah matters more than any other:
the trait of deciding to fight our negative impulses. No matter
what middos a person struggles with, the most important factor
is whether he allows them to run his life or fights back. That will
determine whether he will overcome his bad traits and where he
will end up as a person.
It is easy to follow our impulses, especially because they
are so strong. Giving up takes the least effort, while fighting
them requires an incredible amount of energy. Nevertheless, it is
crucial that we take control of our actions. Although we might feel
weighed down by strong desires and bad habits, we can conquer
these impulses if we say to ourselves, “I don’t want things to go
this way. I want to be in control and live a thrilling and rewarding
life! I want to feel good about myself, and I want to be happy
with the path I chose. I won’t let any desire control my life any
longer, no matter how strong it is! I will stand up and fight!”
If you need to muster more strength to make the decision,
remind yourself that you will experience so much pain if you
don’t change. Think about it until you feel you have no choice
but to change, even though changing will mean leaving some
pleasures behind. You don’t want things to remain the way
they are! Think about all the pain those indulgences put you
through and how unsatisfying it was. Realize that chasing
after desire is just not worth it! Say to yourself that you are
done with being a person you don’t want to be, and that you
are going to change things no matter what! Think long and
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hard about where your life is heading and where you want it to be until you feel determined never to return to your
bad habits.20
Once you decide to fight your desires, you will see that you have the strength to succeed. Of course, you will still face strong impulses that will make you feel that you want to indulge and that nothing else matters. Determination to change doesn’t make your temptations go away; you will still be challenged. But if you are determined and use a step-by-step plan, you will succeed.
Nobody other than yourself will make you change. You might be able to blame your life’s circumstances for your failures, and nobody will argue with you. If a couple of things in your life were different, of course you would be doing a much better job controlling yourself. But those things are not different, and they probably won’t change anytime soon. If you want your life to improve so you can become the person you want to be, you must make things change. You must take control of your life instead of letting your desires and circumstances control you. Take responsibility for your mistakes without beating yourself up. Tell yourself that though it would have been difficult to control yourself those times you didn’t, and though it will take significant effort for you to take charge, you will regain control starting now. By accepting responsibility to change, you are taking the first step toward the self-control and happiness
you seek.
There is one more lesson to take from this story. At the end of his teshuva, Elazar ben Durdia died. The Maharsha (Chiddushei Agados, s.v. Hachi Ka’amar) explains that Elazar was so entrenched in his lusts that it would have been extremely difficult for him to avoid sin had he remained alive. It was too likely that he would
20. See Shaarei Teshuva 1:4.
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slip back into temptation. For that reason, Hashem had to take
him from this world right after he repented.
It would seem that from a spiritual perspective, Elazar
ben Durdia had it easy. He died right after repenting and went
straight to the World to Come, where he immediately received
the greatest pleasure in existence. He did not have to struggle to
control himself. We, however, remain alive to face that difficult
task. It would be much easier if we were never challenged again,
but no doubt we will be — many times. If we don’t want to slip
back into the trap of desire, we must work so hard. It seems unfair!
We don’t want to give in again and we want to be good, so why
must it be so difficult? Why did Elazar have it easy while we
have to struggle?
In reality, however, we are way more fortunate than Elazar
ben Durdia. We are lucky to face such difficult battles because
these challenges are our opportunity to reach greatness! The
more difficult the battle, the greater we can become by winning.
Unfortunately for Elazar, he no longer had a reasonable chance of
winning such battles, and thus Hashem had to take him from this
world. Because he repented out of love for Hashem, his portion
in the World to Come is amazing. He received reward for each
sin he committed because the sins of a person who does teshuva
out of love for Hashem are turned into merits (Yoma 86a). Yet,
he never had another opportunity to overcome his nature in the
battle against desire. We, however, were given this incredible
opportunity! We get to face countless battles against the yetzer
hara, which means we can perform many acts of greatness, each
of immeasurable value.
It is true that it is harder to lose control when there are
no challenges. It is much easier to stay perfect when there are
no tests. But still it is to our advantage that we are constantly
challenged, because it presents us with the greatest opportunity
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ever: the opportunity to reach incredible heights!
We must never forget that the focus of life is to accomplish, not to stay perfect. This is why Hashem put us in this world — the reason we are not better off dead! Let us take advantage of this opportunity rather than focusing on the impossibility of staying perfect. We have the greatest opportunity there ever was! Let’s not forget that.
Let’s encourage ourselves further by remembering that Hashem had to take Elazar ben Durdia from this world because he probably wouldn’t have been able to control himself had he remained alive. We can deduce from this that since Hashem has kept us alive after we decided to improve, that means we can regain control over ourselves. We can defeat the yetzer hara. It’s not just that Hashem believes in us; He knows for a fact that we can do it. He is helping us, so we can definitely succeed. Let’s never give up, because unimaginable success is within our reach. Let’s go forward with confidence and reach the greatest heights!
Though it might seem difficult, we can attain phenomenal success if we decide to take control. The crowning peak of achievement awaits if we stand up and fight in the battle of the generation.
Quick Recap:
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If we ever slip up badly, we can use that to spring us forward to reach heights far beyond where we would have reached had we not fallen. We can turn our mistakes into the most productive events in our lives!
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We must decide to take control of our lives, no matter whose fault it is and how many excuses we have. The determination to stand up and fight will give us the strength to defeat the yetzer hara.
•
As long as Hashem keeps us alive, that means He is helping
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us fight our yetzer hara and He knows for a fact that we can
defeat him! This is encouraging news for us because it means
that we can reach greatness!
