Been down in the dumps. New levels of being stuck in the mud. To be clear: I crossed boundaries and have been having נסיונות with non jewish woman (still very accessible). I have been totally put off Yiddishkeit in a way that I have never experienced. Recently I've started searching and looking for opportunities to be עובר on all איסורים. Not been learning, not praying, not saying Shema. About to eat non kosher food (started with חלב עכו''ם). Almost been מחלל שבת (done stuff בשינוי)... And obviously done some P&M. It is spiralling out of control.

Did some proper journaling yesterday and feeling a lot stronger. Starting to go uphill BH...

Day 3.

Thanks for listening brothers!

This post is like מים קרים על נפש צמאה.....

So happy to see you've had some improvement....

Been thinking a lot about you, brother....

It's never too late. Sheba yipol tzadik.

upanddown wrote on 12 May 2025 11:54:

Oish! The problem it's hard to give you chizzuk! What can you say to a guy who knows more than you'll probably ever know!

Though, maybe that's part of the problem...how is this adam gadol beating himself up?

I just find myself wondering are there other chalakim in Torah that you perhaps haven't explored that might be appealing? You said you've learnt a lot and presumably a lot of mussar seforim but what about fundamentals...in a way that appeals to you? And I wonder if could help scratch an itch that's waiting to be scratched...clearly you're in a lot of emotional pain but it feels like there's an intellectual thirst as well.

For myself I know things like R' Hirsch on Parshas Bereishis, The Hakdama to He'emek Davar, the Rambam's Hakdama to Peirush Hamishnayos, and Acharon acharaon Chaviv R' Avigdor Miller on Chovos Halevavos have I think given me a more balanced/stable view of Yiddishkeit...

kavey wrote on 12 May 2025 14:41:

Thank you for thinking along with me...
I actually believe it happened as a result of deep trauma and pain. My father is very heavy on me and unfortunately I have had to do with him a very lot in the last couple of weeks. As a child I couldn't bare his heaviness and seriousness. His crazy, insane, obsessive, neurotic approach to Yiddishkeit together with his overloaded, constant דברי מוסר have put me off every part of Yiddishkeit. I thought I had gotten over it but evidently I still have some sore wounds that need to heal.
Naturally I am very heavy on myself, very ambitious, try to achieve unrealistic goals and go on guilt trips on a daily basis.
Combined with the fact that I don't feel accepted in my heavy-yeshivish environment resulted in me wanting to throw in the towel!

But it will go uphill from here iyh...

Thanks for the מקורות you have mentioned, I have actually given Shiurim on the Rambam's Hakdamah, its incredible.
Where can I find R' Avigdor Millers writings on Chovos Halevavos?

Shalom Brother,

I don't know about the entire Chovos Halevavos, but he has a sefer Chovos Halevovos Ohr Avigdor Shaar Bitachon.

Kol Tov

the sefer is based on his shiurim. both can be found at Simchas Hachaim Publishing. 

Oysh! I said you know more than me!