Ish MiGrodno wrote on 19 Sep 2021 05:46:

It's both a benefit and an extra challenge. The main benefit is that we are on the same page as far as restricting internet and social interactions with women because she understands the urgency somewhat. 

The challenge, at least for me is thinking that I can share with my wife about my struggles, even if vaguely which just causes her tremendous pain. Now, every time I tell her I had a bad day, even if it's in a totally different area, she gets self conscious that I am looking at other women and that she is not good enough for me. 

In hindsight, most of my sharing with her was really selfish, I needed to unload and she was the safest person. Now I try to only unload to GYE guys either by phone or email (I haven't found unloading on the forum to be of much benefit). She is very supportive, but also cries a lot because of the pain that I caused her.

So, it's a balance basically. She needs to know the importance of protecting yourself and getting help, but not much more than that. Also, if you have older kids it's probably easier to get filters.  

I told my wife partially because she caught me and probably suspected the worst, and I wanted to make everything clear and honest with her. But also because I didn't know better.
Imagine you are in a dorm with a roommate who is a really nice guy and one day you seem to have misplaced your belt. Anyways a couple of days later your nicest tie is gone and you know for sure it was hanging there yesterday. Then a couple of days later your cuff links are missing and finally your brand new watch is gone (and your cash). You suspect the janitors etc. 
Then one day your roommate approaches you with tears in his eyes and tells you that he has a serious problem, he is a kleptomaniac.
Tearfully he tells you about all of his trouble and struggles and how you can really be supportive and help him out...
How would you react?
Now times that by ten (or more) and that might be what our wives (would) feel.
On the other hand if there is a real true loving relationship then there is so much that a wife can and wants to give. Be it support or just the common sense of knowing when a sticky situation will arise or being able to celebrate a milestone with her.
BH me and my wife truly love each other and although there were many tears, and yes, your (my) wife will simply never "get it", I truly gain a lot by having her in the loop.
If I was in shana rishona I think it would have been a really dumb move.

So the answer in my opinion is that if you don't have a solid relationship its a non starter, and if you do... still it really depends on if you need the support and if your wife can handle it. 

One more point. She cant be involved on a day to day level because she will get burnt if you fall if she knows in the moment, and then it will be impossible for her to be supportive besides for the pain she will have.

OK, WHOLE NEW IDEA:

If 7 guys would commit to one day per week for AN ENTIRE YEAR.....could 7 lives (with wife, family, etc.) be changed??

The rules would be as follows:

1) You take one day in the week (e.g., Sunday or Monday) through next Yom Kippur

2) On that day, you commit BLN to STOP DWELLING ON PAST MISTAKES - and to hold off on lustful activities such as illicit material and masturbation - from shkia through tzeis (25 hours).

3) Report to this thread every Rosh Chodesh.

4) Just take your day - and I will compile a list of participants!

C'mon guys, whether you be Litvish or Galicianer - I'm sure that there's a bit of Grodno in you : )

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this is insane, can I do a trial run for a month. if yes then i'll do tuesdays for the next month

Yes, of course! (when I compile the list, I will notate that..)
Who's takin' Mondays?

Ish MiGrodno wrote on 23 Sep 2021 13:37:

this new format is really interesting, I wonder what the science is, if this format is conducive to breaking free or not. 

I would love to join, two things are holding me back. One is the length of the commitment and the second is the rigidity of taking a single day of the week because it runs the risk of me white knuckling through instead of doing the proper work.

I wonder if it will help to add a clause where that day is only committed if the person can make a kabalah before (like by mincha before a ta'anis), or some other way to make sure I am not white knuckling my way through the day. 

The reason why this is so important to me is that at my stage, whenever I have a "real good reason" to stay clean (Yom Kippur, aseres y'mei teshuva, mikva, etc.) I always fall right after. I have a fear of commitment because I am afraid of feeling forced and then I push for the wrong reasons. I need something to help me stay motivated for the right reasons and I think I like my idea.

That's just me, I may be the only one, let me know. 

Interesting point.

Truth be told - most "programs" are gimmicky rather than properly thought out. While your idea of attaching a condition (that you are only bound to Mondays in which you adequately prepared yourself on the day prior) seems reasonable, I wonder whether we can slightly increase the accountability. Say, perhaps you can commit to 10 minutes of journaling each Sunday - in order to introspect whether you are indeed in the proper frame of mind for that particular Monday?

​As for duration, Grodno city hall is cool with 3 months..

Feel free to adjust according to your needs..and please keep me posted

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thanks. when do I start?

Shmini Atzeres of course : )
Yom Tov aint easy..

Ish MiGrodno wrote on 23 Sep 2021 13:37:

I love this idea, but I feel like when we do it for such a length of time, it stops working - similar to the Taphsik method, which needs to be short-term to work. What do you think of doing it for a shorter period? Even say from after YT until Chanukah is very long, but maybe that can work because it is approx 2 months or 8-9 days? Not sure. Just my two cents 

Over Shabbos, I was thinking of a spinoff of your idea. Imagine GYE created a wall where people can dedicate their overcoming a difficult time or, say doing 24 hours, especially when it's difficult. It would give the ability to write a message like dedicating this time for the zechus RS of say RL B L or say shiduchim, parnassa, or the like. I can see this as becoming a powerful tool. What does the Ish MiGrodno and everyone else think, and is there a way to do this?

I am fully maskim with Chanuka being the end point - if that's what works for the oilam...
(And I love your idea about the dedications)

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I get the feeling that most people here have a fear of commitments. Some do them anyways, some have learned from experience the hard way, and others are too scared to try. 

I'm not sure if I can offer a better idea...
I just think that simply being here, is a pretty big commitment by most people.
What you wrote about committing to doing something like journaling for 10 minutes sounds like a good idea (you wrote it about being ready for the next day...). Asking people to do something concrete that is small and not intrinsically difficult to do is a good idea.
I would love to take a day... I'm just not sure what I am willing to commit to...