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I feel lost and hopeless
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I feel lost and hopeless 278 Views

I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 10:43 #368046

  • Hopeless101
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I am feeling lost and hopeless. I keep trying to start and I am good for a couple days and then I fail. How many times can I keep trying and fooling myself that I can do this? The process goes something like this I'll catch a glimpse of something not even on my phone. I could be outside. Next I will start googling for things, then I reset my blockers, and I then start installing all social media apps, and then I look at porn, and it just keeps going. I need that eye candy. Its a chill for me. I need to browse when I am bored, stress, angry. When I am in my place I don't need it. But with all the stuff going on and there is NOTHING else to do. I may even then go to a strip club or then get a massage. How can I overcome something that is not is not only willpower but a physical thing that I need to have done. Once I get going I can't stop. Once it's done I feel like starting all over again and everything is reinstalled. I feel like I need to do it so I can reset again to start working on it again. I feel like there is no hope. I feel like unless I can get a brocha from a godal hador or something there is no chance of breaking my yetzer harah. I don't even know what happens to myself. I want to be good. I want to be closer to Hashem but its like all will power and common sense go out the window. I know I am doing wrong and I still do it. I've tried so many things. Installing reminders of Shivisi Hashem Lenegdi somid on my phone as a reminder, books, GYE like a bunch of times. I just don't have that strong will power. HELP!
Last Edit: 06 May 2021 10:54 by Hopeless101. Reason: update

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 12:20 #368048

  • Hakolhevel
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Have you called or spoken to anyone in real life? Alot of times Ayn Chavush Matter Es Atzmo...
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 12:32 #368049

  • Hopeless101
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I speak to my chavrua but that is about it.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 14:00 #368057

  • Grant400
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I don't have any advice. What I can say is the only time a person is hopeless is when he gives up on himself. As long as he doesn't give up hope he isn't hopeless, he is hopeful. Change doesn't come quickly, especially with certain areas. It can take time with many falls and many years, but it can happen.

It sounds like you need more help and guidance than GYE or a chavrusa. Continuing to do the same things while expecting different outcomes is foolish. Do you have a rebbi or therapist or someone who can actually guide you? If not I would advise you to find one.

Oh yea, are you married?
Last Edit: 06 May 2021 14:01 by Grant400.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 14:22 #368058

  • DavidT
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Your situation is very common (as you can see in many forum posts here), and at the same time it's very common to get healed and start to have lust-free life with the help of Hashem.

Here are some important points: 
Desire is aroused and the 'dimyonos' and the fantasies begin... They get bigger and bigger, seeming to be so real and enticing. But we've learned how it's all just in your mind... It's imagination. The fantasies are always exaggerations of the truth. As chazal teach us (Shabbos 152): אשה חמה מלא צואה ופיה מלאה דם והכל רצין אחריה. - (Shabbos 152a): "A woman('s body) is a barrel of excrement and her "mouth" is full of blood and yet all run after her". Rav Dessler and others describe how chasing desire is like chasing the elusive mirage in the desert.

The key to winning this battle is avoiding triggering situations and putting up the necessary fences to help protect yourself from falling.

You must also remember that you fell out of weakness, not rebellion. We might sometimes be overpowered by strong desires, but deep down, we want to be good. There will be times when we make mistakes. That is normal, because we are human. We must also be sure that our sins don’t destroy us by making us feel ashamed of ourselves. Instead, we must get back up, dust ourselves off, and continue to chase our aspirations.

A plan involving gradual change is often the best way to attain self-control. A person should start by focusing on one area of his battle against desire. He should firmly commit himself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Alternatively, he can decide to exert self-control in one particular common situation.

It is important to stay motivated. One way to do this is to celebrate your successes. Take small steps toward change, and celebrate each time you get it right. Also, spend time thinking about the emotions you felt when you decided to change. Think about what you want to change, and exactly how you want to act when you face particular challenges. Then close your eyes and visualize yourself making those choices.
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com
Last Edit: 06 May 2021 14:23 by DavidT.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 14:35 #368060

  • Hopeless101
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no one really to talk to..i dont even want to.. I can talk to my chavrusa but I feel like I am anoying already as its a topic that we keep discussing.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 15:04 #368062

  • Grant400
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I don't mean to sound harsh here, but I will be blunt. Find somebody to talk to now. End of story. Do you want to be looking back in a few years and be thinking to yourself about what a smart decision you made?

You've been running around from woman to woman, from club to club, from orgasm to orgasm, and your life is totally controlled by it. You're like a little puppy being lead by the leash between his legs. But thank God I didn't "embarrass" myself by finding somebody to speak to. Does that sound like a smart, mature and logical decision? 

Yes it is embarrassing and uncomfortable but the alternative isn't life. You know that.

Do what needs to be done, so that you will be done with what doesn't need to be done.

I know I sound mean and insensitive, but the opposite is the truth. I know the pain you feel and I want you to end it. Please.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 15:40 #368063

  • Hopeless101
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Harsh..but I hear what your saying. I don't really know who to talk to..its not like I can just walk up to a Rebbe and have such a conversation. But will try..

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 06 May 2021 15:42 #368064

  • DavidT
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Hopeless101 wrote on 06 May 2021 15:40:
Harsh..but I hear what your saying. I don't really know who to talk to..its not like I can just walk up to a Rebbe and have such a conversation. But will try..

If you want you can email me at ahavayirah@gmail.com and I'll connect you with one of our professional volunteers that might be able to assist you with the help of Hashem ...
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 07 May 2021 08:51 #368129

  • Striving Avreich
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Hopeless101 wrote on 06 May 2021 15:40:
Harsh..but I hear what your saying. I don't really know who to talk to..its not like I can just walk up to a Rebbe and have such a conversation. But will try..

Please call HHM (short for Hashem Help Me). Let me know if you want his number. He has helped many many GYE members. He's great to speak to 

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 07 May 2021 08:59 #368131

  • bego
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Hi, I was in a similar place in Yeshiva. Every night was masturbation with a good dose of silent girls to pretty wives of avreichim I knew. Not good. 
So, my advice isnt neccessarily to talk to someone as I am not sure that would have worked for me. this website and the cvhat rooms did help me a lot though. Reading and udnerstanding about some of the points amde here (e.g. dimyonos etc) was very helpful for me to press reset on my mind that had been farshmutzed. 
Best of luck, it can be done. But you have to want it, 
I had a nearly 3yr streak and slipped slightly so started again. I have low self esteem so I'm telling you that 

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 07 May 2021 13:23 #368140

  • Hopeless101
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Thanks.

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 07 May 2021 13:29 #368142

  • Captain
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DavidT wrote on 06 May 2021 14:22:
Your situation is very common (as you can see in many forum posts here), and at the same time it's very common to get healed and start to have lust-free life with the help of Hashem.

Here are some important points: 
Desire is aroused and the 'dimyonos' and the fantasies begin... They get bigger and bigger, seeming to be so real and enticing. But we've learned how it's all just in your mind... It's imagination. The fantasies are always exaggerations of the truth. As chazal teach us (Shabbos 152): אשה חמה מלא צואה ופיה מלאה דם והכל רצין אחריה. - (Shabbos 152a): "A woman('s body) is a barrel of excrement and her "mouth" is full of blood and yet all run after her". Rav Dessler and others describe how chasing desire is like chasing the elusive mirage in the desert.

The key to winning this battle is avoiding triggering situations and putting up the necessary fences to help protect yourself from falling.

You must also remember that you fell out of weakness, not rebellion. We might sometimes be overpowered by strong desires, but deep down, we want to be good. There will be times when we make mistakes. That is normal, because we are human. We must also be sure that our sins don’t destroy us by making us feel ashamed of ourselves. Instead, we must get back up, dust ourselves off, and continue to chase our aspirations.

A plan involving gradual change is often the best way to attain self-control. A person should start by focusing on one area of his battle against desire. He should firmly commit himself to keep a certain halacha or aspect of self-control. Alternatively, he can decide to exert self-control in one particular common situation.

It is important to stay motivated. One way to do this is to celebrate your successes. Take small steps toward change, and celebrate each time you get it right. Also, spend time thinking about the emotions you felt when you decided to change. Think about what you want to change, and exactly how you want to act when you face particular challenges. Then close your eyes and visualize yourself making those choices.

These are great points! I'm going to suggest that you check out the two resources below in my signature that expand on these ideas and have many other tips as well. You will enjoy them (and they're free!)
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 04 Jun 2021 06:26 #369446

  • Hopeless101
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So, here is my update....

I hired someone to help me out with this problem.

I bought a couple of books on Shmiras Eynayim, Bris, Etc...I added these to my daily sedarim so I try to have it always in mind. BTW you know the chofetz chaim book on lashan harah a lesson a day. They have one on Shmiras Enyaim. It is good. Also, I found Sefer Zos Brisi in English is AMAZING!!! It gave me alot of chizuk. I'm reading it for the 2nd time.


I am clean now for 30 days.

During the course of the 30 days I tried to force myself not to take a double look at something.

Sometimes I was able and sometimes I failed. It was hard to force the instinct to look.

On the last day of the 30 I felt my self really getting weaker. I was slowly starting to lose my will power. It was a crazy last few days. I wasn't getting much sleep, stress for work, etc...

I was pretty solid for the month but on the last day I found myself taking a double look at a girl or two and I browsed a few girls on tik tok in bikinis.

I was able to shut it down after a few minutes and that's all did.

Am I a complete failure that I wasn't able to go a full 30 without browsing some eye candy? 

Re: I feel lost and hopeless 04 Jun 2021 07:39 #369448

  • wilnevergiveup
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The short answer is no.

The long answer is noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! You are never a failure for making mistakes.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
We all make mistakes, just get back in there and continue fighting.

Check these videos out. Also check out "The Fight" in @Captians signature. 

gye.vids.io/videos/4c9bdeb21b1fe9c9c4/01-video-dealing-with-failure
gye.vids.io/videos/a09bdeb21b19e7c628/08-video-how-to-lose-like-a-winner
gye.vids.io/videos/d49bdeb21b19e6c65c/09-video-learning-how-to-take-a-punch
gye.vids.io/videos/1c9bdeb21b19e6cc94/10-video-getting-up-off-the-floor
Check out My thread  and The Truth

Daily Dose of Clarity

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 04 Jun 2021 13:28 by wilnevergiveup.
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