Married, don't find my wife so attractive

military613 wrote on 28 Apr 2021 16:32:

That sounds rough. I just have some questions.

1. Did you feel like this before you got married?

2. Do you find her attractive, but not as attractive as other people's wives or other women?

3. Did you start having internet issues only after marriage?

4. Was she more attractive at one point but she changed?

Hi
It's a big challenge when you don't find your wife so attractive but there are some points that might help you:

1- Every person has positive and negative aspects about them. You can learn to appreciate the pretty things about your wife even though you are not pleased with other things.
2- You can learn that there is nothing as exciting and fulfilling as actually looking into the eyes of a person who is totally given to you and loves you honestly. These treasures will not be achieved by connecting to anyone else, no matter how 'hot' they are, and will not be improved upon in any way by your wife losing twenty pounds or getting other additional accouterments. 
3- Love needs to come from giving, not from taking.
4- We can't escape our destiny. You will only find happiness through acceptance. That means to surrender to God's will for you in this life. Accepting life on life's terms. Once you accept, you will find inner peace -- and even love for your wife...

I hear that 

Personally my wife was not gorgeous when we married. But she was pretty and I really appreciated the good things about her, middos warmth and all that. That is why I married her.  

Fast forward about 2decades and change. And I only have a greater appreciation for those fine qualities. She helped me build a home with those qualities. Helped me learn to appreciate myself even with my addiction. We have a happy atmosphere in the house and yadda yadda yadda....

But Inside? I am always dying for her to lose about 30lbs, scared for her health and what it means for me having to take care of a spouse that became borderline obese, really not attracted to her anymore in any way physically and trying to figure out what to do. - Plus I really appreciate her smile and good heartedness.... 

Do I feel love and appreciation for her as a person? Totally. But it doesn't change the fact that I am not all that excited looking at her these days and have a hrd time not letting the disappointment I feel at seeing pictures from what she used to look like to what she looks like now.

So... I can't wreck my marriage and divorce because I want to get with some hot(ter) women. I cant go out and get that physical interaction without arousing major guilt and transgressing something which is wrong both religiously and humanistically.. so what do I do?

The only answer I can see is to realize and internalize that no one gets everything they want in life. And to just appreciate what I have. I could lose a lot of the great stuff I have in the blink of an eye and I have to believe that God has a better idea for me about what I need. Maybe having this is itself a kapara for all the illicit pleasure I had in life on my own or with others.... Midah kneged mida...

military613 wrote on 28 Apr 2021 16:32:

That's interesting, because I got an email from "someone" last year who wrote:

Hi Yaakov,
You've been such an amazing help to me over the years. 
I just want to give you some nachas.I got married a couple of weeks ago to the most incredible yiras shamayim beautiful girl I can imagine. May we only share in Simchas.

Suddenly when we're married and discover that our wife is a "real person", she's no longer so attractive anymore, right? 

Many people who come to our website for help claim the same thing: that they are not attracted to their wives and feel they need to get it elsewhere. But I will let you in on a little secret: when someone gets addicted to these things, even the most beautiful woman is not enough for them.

For example, here's an excerpt from an e-mail we got from a frustrated spouse:

"... The situation is getting from worse to terrible. These days, my husband doesn't only look at women, but he also tries chatting them up, even when we are together. He starts joking around with them and even made a couple of inappropriate comments. I don't know what I have done to deserve this! I'm tall with an amazing figure, and I always make sure to look stunning for him (and tznius). Am I not good enough for him?? I once asked him, 'If I walked around one holiday with you in a very immodest way, would you only look at me!?' He replied, 'I would be looking at you and all the other women around.' I asked him to explain himself, and he said men always want new things!"

I suggest reading some of these articles:

• I love my wife – But I’m not “IN LOVE” with her!
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/tips-suggestions/item/its-never-enough
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/rabbi-twerski/item/shekker-hachein?category_id=295
• https://guardyoureyes.com/12-step/item/misinterpretation?start=1
• http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/FAQ/FAQ41.asp
• http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1733
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/not-happy-with-my-wife-s-appearance?category_id=283
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/the-difference-between-lust-love?category_id=283
• https://guardyoureyes.com/articles/tips-suggestions/item/einav-hita-aso-what-is-the-ikkar-of-marriage

Hatzlacha

1. Did you feel like this before you got married?
I found her good looking, not stunning. 
I love it when she wears good makeup and then its wow.
2. Do you find her attractive, but not as attractive as other people's wives or other women?
Yes
3. Did you start having internet issues only after marriage?
Yes
4. Was she more attractive at one point but she changed?
Yes- pregnancy SourceSizeHide

I don't find my wife attractive anymore. 
Pregnant
Not wearing any makeup at home
Please help me

military613 wrote on 07 May 2021 08:53:

Well, when my wife was pregnant, she was super attractive but wouldn't let me touch her. Go figure. 

I guess G-d can be creative sometimes.

military613 wrote on 07 May 2021 08:53:

 I don't think this  has anything to do with this .


When you are ready to work on the real problem then we can discuss real options. 

military613 wrote on 28 Apr 2021 16:32:

i have the exact same problem my wife gained a ton of weight during shana rishona and hasnt lost an ounce. its really tough and frustrating trust me i understand your pain. however it is possible to stop your "activities" even before you change/solve this issue, in my situation i bh have been very successful stopping to mastrubate even though i still have a very hard time accepting the way my wife looks. the honest truth is unless you have a direct line with hashem and get whatever u want from him she probably isnt gonna lose weight anytime too soon. all the eitzos people gave take time they dont work overnight of course you should follow through with them and work on them but dont wait to stop whatever you have been doing till then. for me personally being in touch with someone over the phone has been amazing and helped me tremendously in stopping and in refocusing on my wifes good qualities. i dont know you or your wife i could tell u what works for me. hatzlocho rabbah and please if you find some magic pill let me know!!

I think the point that is trying to be made here whether the issue of not finding ones wife attractive is connected to GYE problems or not, as well as if it may even be because of GYE issues.

It's a good question, and many guys here have different experiences with this. The way I see it, if a person has something that they feel is an issue, than it's an issue regardless of whether others objectively feel otherwise. It will increase stress and cause a person to need help figuring it out. The stress of expectations not being met and the like are real and can make life difficult. 

The question I have is, are we trying to say that acting out is because ones wife in unattractive? 

Before marriage we acted out and had no wife to blame. What, you mean you thought marriage was the answer? Is this just your bubble being burst? You cannot blame your wife (who was pretty enough for you to marry) for your lust issues.

Are you just nervous that your wife will never lose her baby weight before the next one, gain another 30 pounds, keep it till the next one and then another 30 etc.? 

Well, it's a real concern. Not one you can do much about either.

There is a way out, but it takes work. The truth is that most good things in life take work. The work that needs to be done is to learn how to be attracted to  things that are not physical, things that will hopefully become more beautiful as time moves on. Learn to be attracted to positive traits, like kindness, compassion, sacrifice, love and so on. It will enhance your marriage tremendously. It need to be worked on, you need to do exercises that promote this thought process. You can try making list of all the positive aspects of her, start with say 15 and add a new one every day for a fill month. Then work on putting them in order, i.e. if you could only have one which one would you choose. There are many other such exercises that can have a powerful affect on how our outlook in life. 

Either way, wishing you much success and mazal tov on the upcoming simcha.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Grant400 wrote on 07 May 2021 13:42:

Maybe I was not clear and a little harsh. Let me explain my point.

Before I do, I just want to say that I am not speaking from experiencing your exact situation. Just sharing what I learned from being around here. (Although no matter how pretty a wife is there is always going to be a prettier one somewhere at some point, so technically it applies to everyone, but obviously not on the level you are describing. )

Sometimes we exacerbate the issue when we are entrenched in the world of internet. Seeing woman that are the stuff of dreams (yes, I am referring to nightmares) engaging in the stuff of dreams (dreams - because it ain't real. Never was, never will be) and then comparing and contrasting them to our poor wives,  highlights the flaws or imperfections that are there.

Meaning, yes many wives are not the prettiest in the neighborhood, many aren't like they initially were, but when one loves a person in a real and not just superficial way, like we love our wives, (if not then there are bigger issues at play) those feelings shouldn't make a difference. It doesn't mean to bury our head in the sand and deny facts, it just means that we don't care, because it doesn't effect true love. (Obviously this is a level and understanding that isn't reached overnight, see WNGU's posts on this subject.)

But when joined with pornographic content, it trains us that it is entirely about physical beauty, and it constantly highlights the differences between the pieces of dirt on the screen and our loving wives, making appearance take a much higher value and play a bigger role than it would otherwise.

So instead of trying to remove these feelings and then to feel it possible to give up porn, it may work the opposite way. Give up garbage, and then we can start seeing our wives in the light they deserve.

Grant400 wrote on 09 May 2021 14:34:

While I won't disagree with the notion that one has to grow to love his spouse  regardless of her physical beauty, I respectively disagree with the premise that putting physical beauty  at the forefront has its roots in Porn.
It is human nature to be attracted to physical beauty, regardless of one's indulgence in illicit activates, and we shouldn't deny that simple human nature.

mggsbms wrote on 09 May 2021 15:08:

I never wrote those words. At all.

I wrote that making it entirely about appearance, meaning, suddenly having issues with a woman you found formerly attractive, can be exacerbated by porn usage which places complete emphasis on appearance, by constantly highlighting the differences. Making it play a bigger role than it would otherwise. 

Grant400 wrote on 09 May 2021 16:04:

Your point is well taken, however the reason I take issue with it is because the issue of making physical attraction a major part of overall attraction in marriage is much more fundamental then the amount of Porn one indulges in, it is something that has to be tackled and worked on, and the lack thereof can be devastating. It would be greatly helpful if someone can articulate an approach to this.