Hey all,

After finding myself back at square one yet again tonight after years of struggling, I spent some time thinking about how long this has been going on for.

As a young, college age guy, I always thought I would overcome these challenges by the time I'd be married. Unfortunately, they've stuck around, and I'm now married with a child. I feel such low self esteem about not being able to kick this habit. How will I be able to raise my child and educate him one day to avoid these temptations when I am too weak to overcome them myself? This question haunts me almost every day.

I've also thought a lot about my triggers. Nowadays, the main trigger for me seems to be shalom bayit. I've been fortunate enough to marry a wonderful wife, a true ba'alat tshuva, but the challenges of being a young married couple where both of us work and live in Israel, away from our families has eaten away at our love for each other. We've only been married for two years and yet it feels like we have gone through decades of fighting. We tried marriage counseling which helped somewhat, but the stresses of life continue eroding at the foundation. I often find myself at this breaking point where I'll control my anger and desire to fight back but all that aggression then gets channeled into a desire to look at other women and all kinds of garbage.

I feel hypocritical when interacting with my wife's secular family - I often judge them for not valuing the Torah way and yet I cannot even control my evil inclination and truly embody the Torah way myself.

I guess this is a long winded way of calling out and asking those who are wiser and more experienced than I (and who maybe have been through a similar situation with poor shalom bayit being a key trigger) - does it get better? What can I do? What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Mate,
I get you.
I had the same thing today and almost fell.
I was so close, the pictures were so tempting. One more look and it would have been out, and goodbye to 613 days.
Listen, I am no place to talk, but this is what I will suggest.
Every night when both of you are done your work and the baby is in bed, spend some time with her. That is what I will IYH do soon. Look into her eyes and show her that you care about her, even though you are quiet pissed at her at now. Listen to her day and let her just speak her mind. She will love it and it could only bring your together. Its called emotional intimacy.

Things you need to ask yourself!
Do we speak everyday
How is our shalom bayis?
How is our sex life? Do we do it once a month or as often as we can?
When you have sex do you do it for yourself or for her?

​She feels your love in your words and your actions. Actions speak louder than words.

You can PM me whenever.

People will disagree with me.
Anyone can if they want 

Hatzlacha

Eyes

I don't have the required experience that you seek, nor am I from a similar background but I have spoken to many couples and Rabanim/experts as well as read a lot. Barring specific circumstances, it seems that the firs question everyone is asking is, how much are you willing to give up. In general, the more you are willing to give up and let go, the more will come your way. This is psychology not kabbala.

Before I got married my grandmother told me (while I rolled my eyes) In her Hungarian accent, "you vill never get more zen you giivee." 

These are two separate things, one is letting go of expectations, and one is understanding that the only way for a relationship to work is by focusing on the others needs and sacrificing for them.

I am sure you have a wonderful marriage, I don't want to give you a whole discourse on giving versus taking and that is not my intention (you can take a look at Michtav MeEliyahu kuntras Hachesed p.32 for that).

I am just wondering what your goals are for your marriage. How do you understand the purpose of marriage and how do you define the word "relationship" in general?

Food for thought.

I would love to hear a response.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

P.S. You are really blessed to live in Eretz Yisrael, there is nothing like it.

Hey man. I feel really bad about what you are going through, and I wish I could help you out. The only thing I can do is let you know that even though we don't know each other personally on this forum, we are all connected by the challenges we face. Behind every post is someone that really cares about you and your struggles. 

I also have a really hard time with stress. As someone who struggles with anxiety, even small life events can trigger a lot of tension. I'm just a shnook as far as life experience goes (I'm not married yet), but in therapy I learned some techniques like acceptance, mindfulness, and meditation to deal with stress. Maybe it would be worth your while to read up on stress management techniques, or even see a therapist. 

Also, beating yourself up and calling yourself names is extremely counter-productive. You are not a hypocrite. You know and believe the beauty of a Torah life, and you are doing your best to become better. So many of us here are struggling with this issue. It's a crazy battle. Our failures and shortcomings doesn't turn us into fakers or charlatans. By being critical of yourself you are draining your emotional energy and vitality that can be used to fight this war! Being kind to yourself is way more helpful. Building the person who you are is critical.

Also, like I mentioned before, I'm a shnook. I'm definitely not in a position to offer marriage advice, especially as you've seen marriage professionals. But maybe just having an open conversation with your wife would help. You could tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her, but you feel that things are getting in the way of your relationship, and that you want to do better. You could ask her what she needs from you, and tell her gently what you need from her. What I learnt from my complicated family background is that genuine, grounded, open conversation is always a good bet.

I normally don't post on other forums, but your story struck a chord. Please keep us updated.

hey i get the same thing. that my biggest trigger is when i fight with my wife. keep working on it keep going through therapy if it isn't better. it took over three years until we found a therapist that my wife feels comfortable with. it was and is extremely hard. you can do it and can build a relationship with your wife.
keep working on shmeras eyniim and shmeras habris. find what works for you. you may not be able to explain it to your kids right away but they will understand and will see what your goals are and what you strive for. 
you are in a tremendous spot where you have a nesayon and are fighting it you get reward for it. keep it up.

easy wrote on 21 Apr 2021 14:16:

Ditto
don't give up on therapy because it didn't work. We found the golden therapist on the 4th try. 

I’m reading all of these replies now, over two years later. Some updates: I’ve had another kid BH, relationship with the wife has been on an upward trend and things have been good overall. Have been growing spiritually / religiously and appreciating the privilege of living in Eretz Hakodesh. I’ve been more active on the GYE Hub in the past couple years, but overall have been really working on controlling this habit (filters, kosher phones, etc.). Unfortunately I had a major, major fall recently which has prompted me to dive back here. I recently fell by going to a strip club and allowing myself to climax with a lap dance. I am a married man. This is first time this has ever happened to me. Starting to think I may just need to turn to SA or something more serious, because this feels like it came out of nowhere — everything has overall been trending upwards and then…Really have no idea where to turn, what to do, whether to tell my wife, whether this is cheating and I should just end my marriage…really would appreciate someone to speak to / thoughts on this topic….

StrengthToStrength wrote on 12 Sep 2023 22:33:

As someone who never went through sa cant really help there. First of all kudos to you for running back here to help yourself. Two thoughts. One, is it possible its a fluke? Meaning do you have to tell yourself you have a major problem that needs drastic action? That may lead to more falls, cause well i have a problem anyways.... Two, it helps to examine what preceded the urge, maybe work on the F2F program. Keep us posted we are here for you!

StrengthToStrength wrote on 12 Sep 2023 22:33:

Welcome back. Sorry to hear about your current challenge. There are several factors to address. I do have experience in these matters, so we can talk it thru if you'd like.

Godspeed to you

Same bro, I feel you. It's tough out here. I'm just trying to stay patient. Talking to my close friend about this helps so much. We just talk about porn, marriage, sex and it naturally gives each other chizuk and patience. It also gives me confidence to do what's right which is hard in a relationship where my self confidence is very delicate. Ultimately I plan on viewing myself not through the lense of how much my wife loves me or does for me nor how successful I am at being perfect and not human (humans like porn, non humans don't). The more I check my status of my life, the more I find what to feel sh*tty about so I'm gonna focus at least as much on how amazing a person I am. Should help. Talk to someone you trust, it'll lift a rock off your chest.