Dear all,
Gut Voch,

Ok, so I had a fall before Shabbos............... Day 51
Got me to think alot over Shabbos, will try post what comes to mind.

Firstly, I don't mean to undermine the stringency of what I did, but in a certain sense I do feel 'it's not so terrible' because at the end of the day, the only way to win is via a battle, and in battle soldiers do get dirty, that's just how it goes, sometimes I push forward, but sometimes the enemy pushes me over too.

Secondly, I'm in a much better place now than I perhaps ever was, and falling does not take this away from me. Today I have been active on Gye for nearly a year. I have grown a lot B.H. I have reached out to others and I have tools to work with. My mind has become a much healthier place. I mostly see women without noticing them, and my perspective/focus in marriage has improved tremendously. 

On the other hand I do feel ashamed, which is also a good thing, and it's certainly not easy for me that Iv'e been battling this for around 12 years, basically non-stop. It really is hard and does overwhelm me, but I still believe or at least like to make believe that it's within my capability to shortly break free.

Regarding the recent fall, I'm not sure if at the time of the fall I could have possibly resisted. My problem was that I didn't resist all the slips beforehand that got me to that stage. My urge was so strong that even though I actually kept pushing it off, it would not calm down. After what felt like forever I eventually gave in at around 4am cos I was too tired to fight anymore. So I do find myself in a rather tricky situation, because in order not to fall I need to avoid slipping, which in a way is alot harder, since there are thousands of ways to slip, so how can I possibly be prepared to avoid them?!

I'm back on board, I was tempted more than once to give in and 'chap arien' some pleasure before I start climbing again, and I still feel a little that way too, but thankfully I think I'll make a more sensible decision and therefore today will be day 1.

Hope to check in on a daily basis, and I thank you all from the depth of my heart. I think it may even help me to print my 90 day chart and tick off each passing day, even though this sounds a little babyish.....

Thank you again,
Excellence

You sound like you are on the right track!

Amazing buddy. A very mature and true way to view this.
You are doing very well bh and are being mekadesh sheim shamayim.
Slips are rough, it helps to pinpoint certain times that are harder, like for me it’s when lying in bed unable to fall asleep, so I take melatonin to knock myself out…

Keep shteiging buddy, we’re here for you.

YeshivaGuy

Day 1.
Clean.

Day 2 clean.
I now touch base often with a special Chaver here on GYE, I daven that it will make both our journeys easier.

4 Days.
I can never know what each day will bring. I'm just grateful for every clean day.

Day 0

dovidfg wrote on 27 Aug 2021 13:52:

I'm curious how selichos would change anything?

Dear Friends,

To anyone who still remembers me, I just want to post a short update.

I have not been posting much for over a month as I am now constantly in touch with a GYE Chaver. One of GYE's many hidden Tzadikim.
B.H I'm back on track, and happy to announce day 30!!

I am somehow hoping that this time will be the time I finally break through.... but perhaps GYE has taught me that the future is irrelevant, and all I should hope for is the moment.

Either way, Thx 2 u all.

Excellence

Ok.... Hi to all....!!!

Update:
Today I have reached Day 50. ODAAT. I daven in Shachris to get to Mincha clean, and in Mincha to get to mariv etc.

I can't say it's been always smooth. specifically recently I pushed the bar so far, that any split second longer I would of fallen overboard, but BH I'm back on track. 50 days!!

I daven to continue getting stronger. It also helps me to think that every urge I don't give into, only makes me a stronger and healthier individual.

Thank you once again to the whole GYE team.

As for me, off we go ODAAT!!

excellence wrote on 25 Oct 2021 12:26:

I've seen somewhere (I think the Kuzari) that prayer is for the soul like food for the body, meaning like eating breakfast keeps us going until lunch & lunch until evening, so does Shachris gives us spiritual nourishment until Mincha and so on.
so you're right on Target.

In the zechus of the 50 days fighting for Hashem's sake Hashem should grant you a life of tranquility and prosperity.

Just want to point out that one of the things I really need to somehow work on is to let an urge pass without acting on it at all. 

Every time I experience an urge I find myself acting on it, either entering the dangerous world of fantasy to escape from reality, and most times I will arouse myself until I hold myself back at the last minute, in order not to fall.

This is a very risky game to play, as at some point I will be likely to fall.....

​My issue with urge surfing, is that it requires a certain relaxed state of mind to just sit back and surf the urge. However when I experience an urge I get so full of energy I can't just sit still, and I straight away allow myself to start slipping.............

Just thought I would share my feelings............

Thanks to all out there,
Wishing you all the best

Excellence 

How about laughing it off? By now you know from your own experience, and from being aware of many other guy's experiences, that urges are temporary. Tell yourself calmly (no panic at all) "Here we go go again. I am being hit with a fake seemingly overwhelming urge to do something i do not want or need. Sorry yetzer hara, not me. Bug off." And then go do something productive to distract yourself - a walk, etc.  Obviously at 2 am this may not be practical, but for the typical parts of the day it is. For 2 am, having an inspiring book next to your bed can be an option...  Hatzlacha.

60 days,

Not really sure what exactly I am counting towards.... Unless I'm planning on counting till 120 years.....

With Gratitude to Hashem for being kind to someone unworthy of such kindness,

Excellence

excellence wrote on 04 Nov 2021 20:36:

On the 90 day chart page on GYE they write: 
Scientific studies show it takes about 90 days to change the neuron pathways in the brain created by addictive behaviors. 
We also find the idea of 90 in Chazal. The Halacha is, that if one is not sure if he said "v'sen tal u'matar", he must repeat the Shmoneh Esrei. However after 30 days, one no longer needs to repeat Shmoneh Esrei when in doubt, because we assume that his mind has already gotten used to saying it. 30 days is 90 Shmoneh Esreis! Chazal knew that it takes 90 times of doing something to get the mind used to it. 

​The main thing is that you're proving to yourself (and the others that are getting inspired by you) that it IS possible to stay strong... Please celebrate each clean day and Hashem will grant you many many more!