Dear friends,

A time to Reflect

It has been a long time since I have given a proper update. Some of you may remember me, others not (pls see beginning of this thread).

I am very grateful to have reached the target I set for myself of 101 Days.

I would like to reflect on a couple of points:

1 -  I have no doubt that all the many years of struggling (14yrs or so), both the up's and the down's are all an integral part of what got me to where I am today. Recovery is not achieved by flicking a switch, rather it is achieved via years of persistence, trying and learning from mistakes. At times, after constantly falling I managed to have very decent clean streaks (50+ days), and then "crash" I fell again, however each time is really just another step in one's recovery, and a learning curve for the future. From my falls I learnt my weak points, what to be aware of and to perhaps try a new avenue in fighting this battle. I want to add that many people join GYE on a high, and then when they see that they are still falling they begin to become very discouraged. This is a big mistake. Change is a process not an event. 

2 - I have learned to never trust myself. This has become a complete game changer for me. Too often I would enter dangerous locations, dangerous devices/websites etc and trust myself not to slip. This is foolishness in its greatest sense. The Torah knows us better than we know ourselves and keeps reminding us to stay far away from temptation. Now, BH it's the opposite, even on a day that I am feeling strong I still constantly pray to Hashem to protect me, which makes me realise how vulnerable I am and allows me to prepare for the battle accordingly.One primary example for this, is that like many others I had a good filter, however all standard filters can still leave room for plenty filth. I kept falling through the cracks in my filter, until HHM asked me "Why on earth is a filter enough, get web chaver too?!" I did exactly that, and it has made a world of difference. I can't trust myself, (even though I still believe in myself) and I will keep planning how to distance myself as much as possible from this test.

3 - I noticed that for years I had become accustomed to surfing for news and binge searchimg, and often once I was anyway messing around online it led downhill from there.  I BH have put a stop to that. I no longer check the news. Period. If I ever hear about a major event that interests me, I will allow myself to look, but otherwise I have never lost out by not being the first to know the news. (Generally my wife will anyway fill me in on the news!!).

4 - Hakodoish vehatohoir loved by HKBH and all of humanity, R' HHM. Your posts, time on the phone, genuine love and care guides me daily on my journey. You taught me the importance of daily accountability. You taught me  the importance of boundaries. You taught the importance of celebrating victories, and so much more.

5 - Rewiring my brain has played a very big role. Every Time I was faced with a Nisoyan and instead of falling I told myself "I don't do this sort of thing anymore, it's just not me anymore" - this has made a big impact on my recovery.

6 - I also want to add that recently I became aware of how much some Rabbonim are involved with awful cases of frum people caught up in this mess, and this honestly shook me to the core because it could of been me....

7 - and of course, working on my Sholom bayis/ changing my perspective about intimacy etc is a basic foundation in recovery that I am still working on too. (Your welcome pm me for material that has helped me)

Most of all I am eternally grateful to all my friends here on GYE, I read and follow so many of your threads, it's truly "Mi Keamcha Yisroel", and if there is one message I want to say, it is that "I am here to stay". (bl"n)

So as I continue my daily journey, I daven to be able to continue to grow and watch many others grow too.With deep felt love,
Yours sincerely,
Excellence

Dear Excellence,

I just read through your topic.. was very heart warming and inspiring to read. Is amazing to see your growth and wonderful to see what you have achieved over these last few years. Kol Hakavod for how well you have done and BH you should continue to be matzliach and inspire us all. 

excellence wrote on 30 Dec 2022 10:31:

This is one of those posts that need to be studied and saved and shared with many others! 
Amazing Amazing!!! 
THANK YOU AND KEEP IT UP!

Dear Excellence…your thread is fantastic and uplifting, not to mention filled with really smart insights. I’m so glad you are “here to stay.” It is the people like you on GYE who share such thoughtful perspectives and information that help keep me going and feeling that I can do this!! Thanks and have a beautiful Shabbos!!

I remember you Ofc!
Thanks for updating, should be very proud of yourself, I admire you greatly and please keep in touch.

YeshivaGuy

Brother, thank you for keeping us in the loop. Nice to see some "old timers" are sticking it out. 
You inspire me. Thank you for that.

Love,
OivedElokim

@oivedelokim, I couldn't of ever 4gotten u 2!! You're as great for sticking around too!! Nice to hear from you!!

Love, 
Excellence

Just read through the entire thread, I really need to go to sleep already but couldn’t put it down.
Great Stuff 

excellence wrote on 30 Dec 2022 10:31:

 I haven't checked in in a while - but it's so great to hear from you and see your progress - thanks for sharing!

150 Days - Probably my first time in about 13 yrs going through Shovavim clean..... Thanks to all of you.

excellence wrote on 15 Feb 2023 06:35:

WOW!!!!

Great to hear from you,

And that you are doing well,

I’m so happy for you.

the feeling of being out of prison.

P.S Shovavim for me is the hardest, when I have a nisoyen and I remind myself that it’s shovovim, it make the urge so much more, so I tell myself I can’t live the Spirit of the time, and I just look at it from a sick point of view, and its so much easier. [I hope Hashem will forgive me for that, but that’s an Aveirah Lishmah]

all the best

@no mask,

So nice to hear from an old friend!! and even nicer to see your streak!!!

180 Days

After about 15 years of ups n downs with this struggle...

Thank you Hashem. I am ever so deeply grateful.

I have updated my avatar cos I need some Chizuk.... makes me feel more proud with myself.

Thank you to all my friends here too.

Wow, very inspiring!
Keep it up!
Wishing you continued success!
OivedElokim

Excellence! I'm so happy for you! Long time no speak btw....