ok, so ive been here a few time in the past couple of years, had some meaningful chats etc. but it never lasted more than a couple of weeks, upto a month maybe.
the problem is not that i fall, everyone does, the problem is i CANT GET BACK UP, as soon as i fall i immediately shut gye out and ignore any sort of help, as if im focused only on bad..
basically my sense of failure is very very bad,
i know it has to do with holding myself to  a high standard and therefore giving up but i need advice quick, cos im sick and tired of this

For G-d's sake don't leave us again!

We are with you through thick and thin, when it gets rough, sit tight, hold on and stay with us until the end!

I mean seriously you can't pop in here make friends and just leave without warning. You left us all hanging, how does the story end?

I don't care if you fall or get back up, it's just not nice to disappear like that. We care about you, we are family, you can't leave us out here to dry.

So  for starters, commit that no matter what happens you will not leave us, then we can talk business.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup 

Deleted

you guys are 100% right, and i admit i was wrong
It wasnt easy for me to forget about you guys especially the ones i chatted with, but that force is so strong.
and yes i will commit to not leaving y'all hanging
The positive side to this is that its comforting to know that everyone feels strongly about each other, communication like this doesn't really convey emotions!!
please give advice
forever- jack123 

Oh 2 more things
firstly as to 'how it ends' i sure hope this isn't the end cos its not pretty, its been downhill ever since i last left, not a clean day, [well maybe unintentionally 1 or 2] so pretty black.
secondly, to make clear im not trying as much now to stop as i am trying to mitigate the damage when i do fall. 
thanks

jack123 wrote on 30 Nov 2020 14:22:

That's great too. Something that I've come to learn is that it's all about progress, not perfection. Two steps forward, one step back.

All the best

Hey! Jack! Welcome back! I was wondering about where you ran off to. I was hoping you were running uphill...but...actually you are! You ran back here! That is as uphill as it gets.

So good to see you again. But I gotta punish you for abandoning us. It's coming from a place of love. Now go up to your room! You are grounded! Oh yeah, and no dessert by dinner for a week.

Joking aside. I'm lot sure why you run away when you fall. Every success INCLUDES failures. Did anyone ever build something beneficial and have it smooth sailing from the beginning? I think not!

Every win and every fall is another rung on the ladder. A fall isn't a removal of a rung, on the contrary- it's just as important. That's how we learn what didn't work. It's how we revisit our commitment. If used properly it's all part of the construction materials used for building the warship called the G.Y.E. Jack123. A magnificent island of happiness and serenity amongst the raging turbulence of today's world.

One day you will be standing upon a fortress built of bricks, some from wins and some from failures. It's all part of the growing process.

So my friend, run off again and I'm confiscating your allowance privilege for a month.

                                   Grant

1 day clean, basically just didnt want to dissapoint the guys here by giving up, so take the credit.
oddly enough it irritates me to see all the positivity in everyones threads, like 'im going to overcome it forever........etc  when realistically we all know its a very bumpy hard ride. im not being pessimistic rather realistic.
let me know what you think 

jack123 wrote on 01 Dec 2020 09:30:

It's definitely a bumpy ride, no doubt about it, but the destination can be totally overcoming it if you so please. Remember. One. Day. At. A. Time.

Sorry im venting a bit, but  beside me, is anyone suffering even with having a perfect childhood no sort of abuse or introduction to anything, it seems like everyone has a reason whereas i dont...
ive spent a long time in the past years blaming it on this and that, but nothing substantial besides myself.
[pls dont give me sermons about dropping guilt etc, i know all about it]
p.s.
im not usually so grumpy, just a rough patch!!!!!

Wow, to have lived the perfect childhood.  In such a world, I would imagine that I'm the only imperfect part of it.  What a great way to live in shame.  Maybe there's some micro trauma that you're missing or denying?   And I don't mean to call attention to them to give you someone or something to blame.  Just to get you out of that toxic shame place.  

firstly 'grateful tzvi' that 2520 number is burning holes in me, even if i never fell again it scares me how old id be by the time i get there
second, i have one story im focused on, but it pales in astronomic fashion to everyone elses stories, 
and yeah toxic is the right word

successes and failures are NOT measured in comparison to other peoples  successes and failures bc if they would, you would stay a failure forever.

that line keeps me going everyday when I am on the street

jack123 wrote on 01 Dec 2020 11:05:

First of all, nothing wrong with being grumpy, it happens sometimess.

I don't have any childhood trauma. I am blessed with a  loving family and absolutely nothing to complain about.

Yeah, could my parents have given me more attention or affirmation, probably but being one of a pretty large family I think they did their best. If you search I am sure you will find something to blame it on but at the end of the day, I had a really solid upbringing and still struggle. 

Someone wise once told me "it may be their fault, but it's your problem".

At the end of the day, whether you have underlying issues or not, this is surely an issue in itself. Focus on this journey and if you feel you need to address something else, well then take care of that too.

All the best, 
Wilnevergiveup

Not much to add except I considered my childhood to be privileged and fairly benign. Interestingly my sister is utterly convinced she went through enormous trauma in her early life.... so I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

Just keep posting, even if you are not in a wildly inspirational mood 

Yaakov