Hey guys. Baruch Hashem things are still good on the Kedusha front. Still having a lot of anxiety about my marriage though. I wish I could just feel secure and confident that things are going to work out. Another wrinkle is that I started noticing and being annoyed by some of my wife's habits and flaws. It makes me doubt myself because love is supposed to cover up all flaws. I'm working really hard to accept her for who she is.

Can't explain the exact mechanics (HHM, can you please help me?); but my ceasing to m_______ .....somehow coincided with this new phase - in which I worship the very ground that my DW walks on.

Sure hope you get this straight waaaayyy quicker than the many years it took this slow Grodnian to figure it out.

IMG

This is a post in relevance to parents not allowing filters on devices in the house.
I also had the same thing for 5 years! I've been trying to convince my parents that we need filters on the devices in the house. I moved out and don't really go home partly for that reason. My parents finally agreed after I explained to them the problems of having unfiltered internet and the access I have to all sorts of disgusting websites. I don't know your whole situation and I haven't read all the posts in this forum but perhaps sitting down with your parents and explaining to them what unfiltered access leads to could be an option. You don't even have to tell them you're struggling with it (if they don't know already). Just make them aware of what happens online and suggest a filter like covenanteyes which only blocks the worst stuff and has an accountability feature which can allow you to feel like someone is watching you every time you use the internet and takes screenshots. You don't have to tell your parents that though
I told my parents about what is available online and they agreed BH. Might be worth a try in your situation.

I'm sick at home with Covid. It's been really hard not to fantasize and masturbate. I'm just so bored and so uncomfortable. The computer is also calling to me. I do not want to go down that route again, especially now that I'm married...

Baruch Hashem I'm feeling a lot better. I managed to not give in!

Hey y'all. Check out my 90 day streak. First time ever since 13.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 19 Jan 2022 04:23:

now that… is a big deal. 
Mazal Tov!!!
that is a huge accomplishment!!!

Mazel tov!!!!!! Mazel tov!!! 

Mazel Tov . You have always been an inspiration here, and now it only gets better. keep the good news coming!

Hi guys. Hashem gave me a huge present. For 109 days I had a really easy time controlling myself. The crazy urges I had to act out took a long rest. This past Friday night, they came back very strong, and I fell. Honestly, it doesn't bother me too much. I am so happy that I had the opportunity to taste freedom for so long. I never had such a long stretch since I discovered masturbation. Hopefully, all of those unhealthy connections in my brain that encourage acting out took a big hit. My engines are roaring, and I'm ready to jump back into the fight. Here goes.  

When they said marriage takes work, they weren't kidding. I've seen so many of my bad middos emerge. It is very taxing to rein in all of my faults to avoid doing something stupid. I honestly think the best method for me so far is to forgive myself for not being the perfect husband, and to move on from my mistakes. It allows me to move through the tough emotions, and to stay happier and more in control. Can those with advice and encouragement please share? Thanks!

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 07 Feb 2022 04:48:

Very well said and a healthy attitude, just make sure you apologize to your wife and make it up to her....

Finished going over your whole thread. you are such a good person. Authentic, vulnerable, growing, positive. Wow. Thanks for the inspiration.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 07 Feb 2022 04:48:

I relate to this a lot, especially recently. Until now, I kinda shoved all of my faults under the rug. Don't worry, I shoved my strengths under he rug too and it took a long time for me to recognize them. I know that I have faults and I am working on them but since I have been going through such an emotional roller coaster, I was primarily focused on the effects they were having on me and my goals. 

Something happened this week that made me realize that my flaws actually affect other people, and more importantly, other people that I love and want to love me. My flaws were causing a lot of resentment from the people that depend on me and realizing that was really painful. You see, I want unconditional love, but that may not actually happen if I keep on messing up. 

This reminds me of what my Rav says in his shalom bayis shmuez, "marriage brings out all the horrible parts of you". I never really understood this as clearly as I do now. He was saying that someone who you live with and you care about and cares about you will notice everything and if you want to develop a deep and emotional relationship there can be no more shoving things under the rug. 

Coming to terms with the fact that I actually need to get these things under control for my shalom bayis, and not just for my personal growth was and is very scary. 

So yes, whoever said marriage takes work wasn't kidding, but the work is not just in the form of biting your tongue, buying her flowers, and doing the dishes even when you are not in the mood. The hard work is finally addressing my core issues that I have been shoving under the rug my entire life.

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to share that and you brought up marriage taking work.

All the best.    

Amazing. Keep focusing on the wins! Any idea what changed for that one night? I also feel like the last few months have been a gift….