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@HY613, you're incredible. I'm a 20 year old Bochur in the States who has been struggling with pornography (no masturbation whatsoever, B"H) for 3 years. I long to be with a girl constantly. Your story is truly inspiring (especially since you're dealing with much rougher situations than I am, B'li Ayin Hara). Feel free to read my story here (and I should add to it that right now, the Wi-Fi in my house is filtered on ALL devices, so I have almost no access whatsoever, B"H): guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/366231-I-want-a-girl-so-badly

Again, thank you so much for the inspiration. Wishing you continued Hatzlacha, and may you and your Kallah know nothing but Bracha, Simcha V'shalom, and be zocheh to build a Bayis Ne'emon B'Yisrael!

Hi everyone. It's been a while. Baruch Hashem things are going very well, but the story of Mental Health and Marriage still continues. I am really busy and I don't know when I will post next. All the best.

Hey there,

I am new but I just wanted to say I have read your story and honestly it's amazing how much I related to it. Thank you, it gives me some hope that maybe I can find someone myself.

I wish you only success. God speed.

Hey everybody. Baruch Hashem life has been busy. These past three months of marriage have been very good. My wife is wonderful, and going on the journey of life with someone else is really amazing. But subjectively, it's been very difficult. The two topics of my thread, mental health and marriage, have merged into one huge obstacle. While I was engaged, I was barraged by nervousness about having a broken engagement, or if I was making the right choice. Now, those anxieties have increased. I wonder if I made the right decision. I wonder what the future has in store for us. I wonder if our bond is strong enough to last a lifetime. I wonder if she really loves me. Sometimes these thoughts totally disappear, but when I am not my best self, they haunt me. Sometimes it seems so real. When I don't feel like I love myself, it is so hard to trust in her love. Only a strong sense of self can be the receptacle for someone else's love. I don't mean to say that I'm never successful, but it is taking some time to adjust. And now it's not just me in the picture. I do share what I'm going through with my wife, but for the most part I try to keep the struggle contained. I really make an effort to put aside my thoughts and to be a positive presence in our home.  As always, I'm speaking to my therapist who is guiding me through this. Overall, I am very grateful to Hashem for getting me to this incredible stage in life, and I am looking forward, with His help, to overcome these challenges.

I have no good eitza besides keep it up with the therapist and may you have Hatzlocha.
It may be a good idea to learn when you can, the מערכת האדם in חלק ב׳ of עלי שור…

Im hoping all your devices are secure and that you’ve discussed already with your wife about having filters in the house… if not, then now would be a great time.

Take care,

YeshivaGuy

I’m in marriage therapy besides individual therapy. That helps a lot in both aspects interpersonal and individual.

yoinala.

I can relate to a lot of those insecurities and second guessing. Therapy helped me tremendously. 
It can be brutal when you are second guessing the love of the person you are so close with and the person that loves you so much. (Deep down we know we made the right decision... and I know she loves me just my low self esteem and insecurities get in the way)  Its almost like you are constantly testing and testing the relationship and cannot believe that it can be...

That was what it was like for me. And again, therapy was a life changer.

I feel your pain

Many times I doubt myself and my marriage. I'm learning that the energy I use obsessing is better used for self-love and forgiveness. Forgiveness and acceptance of not being perfect. When I get into a good state of mind everything seems much brighter. I try to remember that my doubts are just a result of my state of mind.

The times that we can't touch are very difficult. It feels like there is something between us. It's not just the lack of touching. It feels like the relationship is different. I realized how much I rely on my wife acting affectionately towards me. When I would obsess about if she really loves me, those small signs of love would put my anxiety at ease. It became a crutch of sorts. During the off-weeks, I lose that lifeline. It's making me search for self-love and a source of independent security, so ultimately it's amazing that we have these two weeks. It's also forcing me to believe in our relationship, even though I can't see it as well. I also have to find different ways to express my love. The ways of the Torah are pleasant. I'm happy that I'm able to see it so clearly with these restrictions. 

By the way, I'm 19 days clean. It's the longest streak since I started posting on GYE one year ago. Besides for two back to back slip-ups, I am pornography free. Thank you everyone!!!!

You might like the book "insecure in Love".
If i recall it deals with exactly what you are describing

Beautifully written! You express what many of us experience. Let me reassure you it is normal. What works for many is finding ways to "get to know each other" in non intimate ways that are presently off limits. A hug may be a very powerful validation and reassurance of love, but one can learn to realize that simply spending time together and smiling a bit can accomplish the same. A phone call during the day checking on each other and interesting ourselves in our spouse's goings on is somewhat "intimate" and can accomplish a lot. Hatzlacha.

Hi everybody. I'm clean 39 days. This is probably the longest streak I've ever had since I was 13.

wow wow wow!! amazing!! that must feel awesome for u, go out and celebrate it, u deserve it i'm sure it wasn't easy!!!

Keep it up buddy. You can b'ezras Hashem just keep on going...