Heya,

So I have been doing so well - I thought at least.

I haven't actually haven't looked at P for a long time, however still found myself occasionally looking at inappropriate content - silly really.

I really had a powerful YK, and thought I was making some great headway, I think the lesson here is never to stop asking for help.

Unfortunately just slipped up and been caught in the wave of regret and have not been on GYE for AGES, but made a choice to get here, post my fall, and move on.

I have done this before and have the right kind of protection in place,  but really not feeling so well and that triggered me off.

I have learned though, that I can overcome this, I don't believe in back to zero, because each day of success leads to greater success and I just needed the external chizuk to stop acting out and express myself.

for anyone interested I have found a program on self-hypnosis for overcoming this addiction and working through it daily, if you're interested in hearing more let me know.

Some advice for those of you recovering from a fall... I have noticed that my spiritual level does go down after a fall and I have to work harder to get back to where I was before the fall. Don't be too hard on yourself, otherwise the yetzer hara will try to bring you down. But the good news is we will be rewarded for each time we say no to our desires.

So I had a fall last week, but it was more due to being careless and looking at things that I shouldn't. I stopped looking sooner than I used to before, and if I am honest I didn't really enjoy looking. Perhaps this means I am gaining more control over my eyes? I have stayed free of lust since then, and haven't actually had that many lustful thoughts lately. I have been trying to focus on davening and learning, but I am feeling depressed today, I think this is just another trap of the yetzer hara. I don't have the desire to look at anything inappropriate, heaven forbid. Maybe I will go and read some tehillim until this mood passes.

Read Appendix A of The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. (skip to the back where it is)

Thanks for that!

I have noticed that sometimes after learning mussar, the yetzer hara will try to attack by getting me to feel bad about myself. Is this because he knows that learning mussar weakens our desire to sin, so he has to try a different line of attack?

Disclaimer - the following is my opinion, definitely da'as Torah. Feel free to vehemently disagree.

If learning mussar causes you to have a lack of self worth, stop learning it chaver. Or get a rebbi who teaches you how to learn it without bashing yourself. In this parsha, one of the most important things is to have a very healthy sense of self worth. Don't do anything that compromises it.

What mussar are you learning?

I would like to comment if I may. Although there are some who learn mussar to "break themselves down" emotionally in order to be inspired to do teshuvah, this hardly works for the average run of the mill type of guy not during Elul.

Mussar is not a magic button that you press and poof, you suddenly don't want to do aveiros anymore. Mussar has to work, it has to change you. It is more likely that the mussar is what is causing those feelings and maybe the whole thing is a ploy of the Y"H, I don't know.

The primary purpose of learning mussar is to develop an understanding of Hashem, how he runs the world, what is expected from us, how much he loves and cares about us and to strengthen our emunah and bitachon.
If what your learning doesn't have this affect, it can be that you need to try something else, or that you don't understand it properly.

GYE just sent out in one of the emails, the role of learning mussar, you can try to find it if you want.

In my experience (especially because I deal with low self esteem) learning mussar can cause a tremendous amount of guilt and high expectations, this is why it's so important to either have the proper understanding on how it relates to our every day lives when learning mussar, or to have a Rebbe or someone to help you understand the application.

That being said there are various seforim some that should be learned and some that are just not for everyone. There are contemporary ones as well although, if you are up to it, there is nothing like the originals.

I believe if you can get yourself an English copy of Chovos Halevavos, or the Kuzari, they are a great place to start (with Chovos Halevavos, the first sha'ar is very philosophical and complex and might be worth skipping at first). 
Michtav MeiEliyahu is also a great sefer that shouldn't get you down, it's more hashkafah then mussar and he deals with a lot of the basic questions we may have.

Of course there are the sifrei Ramchal, they are the best of the best, but they are like gemara, needs to be learned one line at a time. 
It's funny that everyone learns Mesilas Yesharim first because it's the sefer that the Ramchal wrote the last. Nothing wrong with that but I found that learning Mesilas Yesharim without a strong Hashkafah and foundation in emunah and bitachon wasn't really productive. Learning it after growing in those areas, it's a life changer.
Ramchal's Da'as Tevunos is a real gamechanger in Emunah and Bitachon but is difficult to learn and understand.

In short, your first goal in mussar should be emunah, bitachon and gratitude to Hashem. After you are strong in these areas you should start working on more.
There is a reason why the Chovos Halavavos starts with Sa'ar Hayichud, them Sha'ar Habechinah (reflecting on what Hashem does for us), and only then Sha'ar Avodas Elokim, because first we need to develop our emunah then our gratutude/obligation to Hashem and only then we are ready to work on serving him.

I hope this makes things clearer.

If I may add: The objective of these studies is to develop a healthy worldview and understand HaShem and ourselves and the relationship we have with him. Not to beat ourselves up. If you find that a certain Sefer that isn’t doing it for you, try to explore. In addition to the seforim mentioned above, I would suggest sifrei chassidus as well (more optimistic in tone, may suit your personality better) such as The seforim of the Baal haTanya, Reb Nachman and Reb Tzadok. It may be a different style then mussar, but they speak very much to struggling Jews such as us. It may be worth a try. טעמו וראו כי טוב.
In any case, HaShem should bless you and the rest of us with continued success in our struggle as well as עבודת ה׳ in the broader sense, and we should keep on giving nachas to the רבונו של עולם.

א גוט שבת!

Thank you all for your comments - this is very helpful!

I have decided to keep it simple by spending around 20 minutes a day reading Chovos Halevavos in English. So far I have found that this is working for me.

I am also reading one chapter a day of Living Emunah by Rabbi David Ashear (the chapters are very short).

Others have suggested that I read the Tanya in English. I have done so in the past but I would like to pick it up again.

When I was first exposed to mussar such as Mesilas Yesharim, I loved it and wanted to learn more, but maybe I moved ahead too quickly before I had developed my emunah. Incidentally, I have been guilty of this in other areas of my life - I have been known to be impatient at times instead of letting things happen at HaShem's pace

Thanks again for the advice, and I'll let you know how it goes!

האי עלמא דאזלינן מיני׳ כביה הלולא דמיא, חטוף ואכול חטוף ואשתי.

Absorb whatever you can from the sefrei hayirah. It will stand you in good stead when you need it

You can definitely over come this, I also grew up secular and became religious in my 20’s, it’s been really difficult at times to stay on track however very doable, I was lucky enough to meet a mentor on this site that helped me see that I can do it, I still have falls but am able to go 300+ days without experiencing one, another thing I realized is the more holier we get the hardest the yetzer hara tries to get us down, I had a huge fall 2 days ago right after I took upon myself to start doing more in a specific area, but this goes to show you the yetzer hara just tries to bring us down because it knows we will over come it, continue strong holy brother you definitely got this 

It is hard when you fall after a long time clean.
But know that all your hard work does count, that it gives you the tools and strength to keep clean.
Take things day by day.

Long time, no update!

I made it to 40 days clean again!

However, I noticed my desires starting to return in the last couple of days. I didn't act on them, B"H, but something in a recent GYE email helped me to get past it. As we all know, the eye is stimulated by negative images, but we should remember that positive images are powerful too. I found this to be a useful tool in counteracting the effects of the negative images that we can't avoid in day to day life. These were the positive images mentioned in the email: 

1) When a person looks at the countenance of a tzadik, his soul is illuminated with light and holiness. (Degel Macheneh Ephraim)

2) Beholding the sefer Torah when it is raised before or after kriat Torah and reading a word or two from the scroll imparts a great, holy light within us. (Magen Avraham, Chapter 134)

3) Viewing the "Shin" on either side of the Tephillan Shel Rosh imparts holiness.

4) Looking at water is good for the eyes. (Ibn Ezra)

5) Looking at the heavens imparts Yirat Shemayim. (The Vilna Gaon)

6) When reciting the Kriat Shema in Shacharit it is good to look at the Tziztit and touch them to the eyes when we say, u'reisem o'soh. (Shulchan Oruch 24:4)

7) Whoever brings the Tzitzit to the eyes when saying Parshat Tziztit will never lose his sight. (Be'ar HaTiv)

Might be a good visualization exercise to try the next time you daven.

If we can practice visualizing holy images daily, we might have a better chance the next time we come across a negative image.

Any thoughts?