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Those flashes of clarity
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Those flashes of clarity 446 Views

Those flashes of clarity 26 Aug 2020 19:57 #354253

  • Grant400
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Hey brothers! I hope all finds you well.

I was sitting and reflecting upon how much I have grown and gained since joining the wonderful GYE website. I was trying to put my finger on what exactly changed. What made me suddenly have new resolve and created new perspectives. I realized that obviously aside from the amazing support and encouragement from everyone, there were significant ideas I was taught and realizations I had from the give and take on the forums, and from people sharing their knowledge and unique experiences.

I figured that if I had "eureka moments", flashes of clarity that changed my way of viewing something that led to such positive results, then I can safely assume that everyone here did too. I would imagine that if we all shared our "flashes of clarity", our moment of learning or understanding a totally different or new perspective, it can be extremely helpful to others. By doing this we are basically offering years of struggles with battles won and lost, reflections and ruminations, and warehouses of knowledge in a nutshell.

I'd love if everyone can post in a few short sentences the realizations that led them to view things differently and led to 180 degree turnarounds with positive results.

I'll start.

1) Learning that my intense feelings of lust all the time WASN'T normal and regular but rather was coming from the fact that I was a luster, led me to learn that I can ignore those urges. I always viewed them as a regular bodily necessity that the Torah dictates I must ignore which made me frustrated and super angry.

2) Learning that the reason why I was lusting every woman everywhere was because I viewed them as sexual objects rather than people, taught me that implementing methods to change my perspective on women will make my life so much more pleasant and peaceful.

3) Learning that all of the problems or perceived problems and deficiencies caused by lusting when married was just that, and not caused by anyone else.

4) Learning that all of the fantasy promoted by Hollywood as reality was in fact pure unadulterated fiction and not that unlucky me was jilted. (By reading other people's  testimonies).

                                  
                                   Grant

Re: Those flashes of clarity 27 Aug 2020 13:56 #354276

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Wow! The enthusiastic response blew me away! Seriously though, if anyone can share a little I really think it can be a tremendous to'eles.

Re: Those flashes of clarity 27 Aug 2020 14:54 #354277

  • Dave M
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I wouldn't necessary say I had flashes of clarity that adjusted my perspective.  But, what is clear to me is the important of putting up the necessary fences to guard my eyes.  The less triggering images I see, the easier the fight is.  Often urges comes, since we subconsciously saw something that triggered us.  In many ways, guarding my eyes became easier once I started working at home, since I no longer had to interact with my female co-workers in person. 

I know what I'm writing is basic and GYE 101, but that is my key to winning this battle.  i don't remember which Rebbe said this, but he said something along the line of "I don't expect my chassidim to fight and win against their Y'H,  I expect them not to even engage with him.  Don't fight him directly"

Re: Those flashes of clarity 27 Aug 2020 16:28 #354283

  • Grant400
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Dave M wrote on 27 Aug 2020 14:54:
I wouldn't necessary say I had flashes of clarity that adjusted my perspective.  But, what is clear to me is the important of putting up the necessary fences to guard my eyes.  The less triggering images I see, the easier the fight is.  Often urges comes, since we subconsciously saw something that triggered us.  In many ways, guarding my eyes became easier once I started working at home, since I no longer had to interact with my female co-workers in person. 

I know what I'm writing is basic and GYE 101, but that is my key to winning this battle.  i don't remember which Rebbe said this, but he said something along the line of "I don't expect my chassidim to fight and win against their Y'H,  I expect them not to even engage with him.  Don't fight him directly"

100%. There were things I didn't even realize were legitimate triggers and I only understood their true impact after they were removed and the difference was mindblowing. They were the real triggers all along. They were the ones that led to all the "real" triggers. 

Re: Those flashes of clarity 27 Aug 2020 21:02 #354289

Pleasure is optional.

It took a while for this to really click, but eventually I got it. 

Physical pleasure can be a healthy part of our lives and in the right place and time it should be but it's still optional and therefore we can live without it when it's destructive.

This may be a stretch but Rav Dessler writes that in Kelm they would feed him plain oatmeal without any salt (but still nutritious) for months on end just to train them that pleasure is optional and the true purpose of eating is to sustain you.

Thanks Grant for this, you are truly an asset to GYE.

I will think it over, I think I have a few more.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com

Re: Those flashes of clarity 28 Aug 2020 05:30 #354308

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My problem has been mostly with masturbation through images that are floating around in my head. The yetzer hora blows up one of these images to magical, fanciful proportions and I have to somehow stop myself from fantasising about an image that is blocking everything else. Obviously, the best would be to stop the image from coming in in the first place. 

Here is what I feel works quite well for me. 
@colincolin has often very nicely elaborated on how to view an urge as an external thought. 
@Hashem Help Me has explained to me how to accept the urge. To just acknowledge it as an urge rather than a must do.
My method is with the help of these two.

I try to picture the yetzer hora as a small parasite. A little fat creature sitting outside my brain clinging to me as parasites do. (It has to be a small creature not a huge overpowering monster which could feel like you're battling an overwhelming being that you have no strength for.)
Now this tiny little creature is holding the image in question and trying to push it to the forefront of my brain. 
There is absolutely no need to accept his suggestion. He wants this one image to block every other thought and emotion from reaching the forefront of my brain and that is something I'm not willing to allow so easily. I value my independence and want to be able to have every thought of mine to be able to be heard. 
So I have to picture Him holding this image and trying to push it to the front. Once you really see this with a completely clear mind and you have no desire to fantasise about this image, it's laughable! He's not giving up, He's still standing there, this tiny creature holding a picture much larger than himself, already blown up to magical proportion, red and sweaty, pushing the picture with all his little might while I'm watching and having a laugh! 

---edit: It is important that you can not see what the image actually shows and certainly should not be 3d although it is shown on a larger than life paper. You just see the paper held at an angle which blocks your view. Maybe the actual image is a surprise (or it's just not so exciting, until your mind is completely clouded over with it...)---

Pretty cool experience especially because I hate Him so much. After he is a tiny parasite, yet he has won me so many times. 
This is my revenge.
The start of 'STARting' is 'star'. Just start and you're a star!!
... and btw I really really love you! you keep me inspired!

'the cleaner I stay, the cleaner I stay' - AlexEliezer
העבר עיני מראות שוא, בדרכך חינו (תהלים קיט, לז)
PM me for my phone number
Last Edit: 28 Aug 2020 05:55 by starting.

Re: Those flashes of clarity 28 Aug 2020 12:59 #354320

I have something, not so much a flash of clarity, more an image to remember.

I was reading a news article about porn. And there was a picture of a fellow on a coach, with a big headset on, with his hand above his trousers, Like, clearly suggestive he was masturbating to that which was in his headset. He was sprawled on a coach, and looking upwards.

What struck me was how utterly pathetic he looked. An overweight, fully grown man, all alone, sitting lazily on a couch, staring up at something only he could see. It was laughable how just plain nebby he was. 

I was thinking, its the same by us. If we picture from a third person perspective (like if someone was taking a photo of us) what we are doing when we masturbate - we are sitting at home, staring at a screen. moving our hand across our own body. I mean seriously, how pathetic is that! There's no one there! 

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: Those flashes of clarity 02 Sep 2020 00:06 #354506

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Similar to what Im Tevakshena advised, but a drop more radical. If the urge is really overpowering, call up a GYE chaver (who you made up to do this with) and tell him graphicly what you are about to do. Obviously in a non triggering tone of voice; clinically like a doctor say "Ok so i want to unzip my pants.... rub.... until it all comes out."  Upon saying this, one feels so foolish and disgusted, the urge simply disappears. As uncomfortable as it is to make that call and say that speech, actually masturbating is much worse.

Maybe some here will find this mehalech unacceptable. All i can say is that bh it has worked well for those who needed a radical approach to bust their reliance on masturbating to release stress etc. Now they are clean; not masturbating or giving "the speech".
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Those flashes of clarity 04 Sep 2020 16:40 #354610

  • Grant400
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I'm having a rough day which caused all previously well thought out ideas to become muddled and confused. I was at a loss and tried to go through all the lessons learned during my time in the GYE family. But I remained confused by desire, my thoughts in disarray. 

Until I remembered this topic. Reading through everyone's posts reminded me with clarity lessons that brought my urges to its knees and my desires in to perspective. 

So I'd like to say thank you to everyone who participated and ask all to please contribute lessons learned that impacted positively in a succinct manner. 

                                   Grant 

Re: Those flashes of clarity 05 Sep 2020 18:07 #354623

Hey there Mr. Grant,

Your a good man!

That's it, You are awesome, you keep me going.

It's a privilege to have you here with us.

Thank you for everything you do here, keep on inspiring.
Check out My Thread and The Truth

(עשה רצונו כרצונך (אבות,ב:ד

Feel free to email me  wilnevergiveupgye@gmail.com
Last Edit: 05 Sep 2020 18:08 by wilnevergiveup.

Re: Those flashes of clarity 13 Sep 2020 01:35 #354968

  • ColinColin
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When you have a flash of clarity, write down those thoughts in a small notebook.

Keep it somewhere safe, and pray that you will look at it if you get an urge.

It can help prevent you acting on the urge.
Last Edit: 13 Sep 2020 01:36 by ColinColin.

Re: Those flashes of clarity 15 Oct 2020 14:36 #356264

  • Grant400
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Grant400 wrote on 15 Oct 2020 03:20:

Ihavestrength wrote on 15 Oct 2020 00:17:

Looking_to_improve wrote on 14 Oct 2020 13:10:
Good news today, another capsule in my yeshiva who were in quarantine, after 1 boy had symptoms and tested positive, all tested negative. Given that we don't need to distance or wear mask around people in our own capsule, it's a big neis that no one else tested positive in their capsule. Feels like a big weight has been taken off my shoulders, I was quite stressed out about it.

Also today I found out I can still access some social media sites from my phone, so I just emailed my filter company and I'm writing this as I wait for them to respond, to keep busy, they are normally quite quick to make changes. My heart rate definitely went up a bit, and I'm a bit on edge, so I'm going to post later as well. Going to nap now as well, so should be changed by the time I wake up. A bit worrying that I didn't know I could, but glad that I had the right mindset to email them now.

I have a bit of a question about this situation. In the past when I used to go on social media sites often, I could waste hours a day on them (other times they could be triggering, but I could go a few days just wasting time and not looking at things I shouldn't).
Why is it now that I've decided to filter them out and not use them, that my mind is set on doing one thing, namely: acting out? I didn't think to myself once I realised it was unblocked: "I wish I could waste 3 hours looking at sports highlights and memes", but in the past when I used them, that could be exactly what I did. 

I guess it's a more general question, why is it that when we decide to make gedarim, and set up filters, that suddenly our minds become a one track record (I hope that's the metaphor I'm looking for) set on looking for inappropriate material. (Here's a poor moshul): It feels a bit like trying to use a funnel to stop something, you stop most things going where they would have gone (eg. going on random websites for news etc.), but you direct everything that does go through into one place(inappropriate material).

Obviously the alternative is no longer appealing, no gedarim or filters, but before I had filtered devices, I wasn't drowning in filth at every opportunity, but now that I have filtered my phone, I feel like any access which isn't filtered comes with the caveat that I could end up rolling in the mud.

While I'm in yeshiva I really don't need access to anything, but next year I will be in uni and in the future probably the workplace, and it's not going to be practical to delete my browser, or whitelist everything but the gye website.

BH they just replied, it's been fixed, very thankful to HKB"H that I had the peace of mind to spend time writing this, instead of the alternative.

I can relate to this a lot. Here's how I understand it: If I am preoccupied with thinking that I need to filter my devices otherwise I will look at inappropriate things, then that is a belief. We act based on our beliefs. So if I believe that completely filtering my devices is necessary for me not to look at inappropriate things, then if I am not filtered, I will feel like I can't help myself but look. This is why I actually do not use filters.

That said, maybe you can reframe your use of filters to something like, "I use it so I don't accidentally find schmutz", or "I use it so if I have a weak second and search something, it will act as a reminder and I won't have already looked at inappropriate things". Hope that helps!

Brilliant. Thank you for this point. Because of you, I'm realizing that my last fall was literally because of this skewed mindset. I thought I was being a smarty pants by restricting my access completely, so when I was confronted with a breach in my secure perimeter I was practically helpless. All the energy I put into was preventing access to what I desire. Sort of like locking non kosher food in a sturdy safe and throwing away the key. The second you gain entry you will indulge because the muscles of discipline in that specific area were never trained and strengthened. 

I'm not heaven forbid planning or suggesting not to restrict access. I will still IYH be as careful as ever. But like you wrote so beautifully, I must change my mindset and work on not indulging not because I'm locked out but rather for the proper reasons. I must understand that filtering is just an added protection and security, not the primary and exclusive method of purity. 

How to do that isn't simple and is a whole different discussion. Thank you for this enlightening insight, Mr. Ihavestrength.

                             A grateful

                                 Grant

Re: Those flashes of clarity 25 Oct 2020 23:26 #356680

  • ColinColin
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A flash of clarity is knowing there are certain times of the week which are high risk.

Mostzei Shabbat, and Sunday evenings are these.

I tend to be a bit pressured after Shabbat, when the world begins again.

Sunday evening am a mixture of relaxed, but not so happy at the working week starting again.
So I am looking for diversion.
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