Hi over my years of struggling with pornography I have been through many phases obviously growing and falling like all of us, baruch hashem, now I am in a much better place. much better place I mean to say obviously I still struggle from what I call filtered pornography which means, even though your device is filtered, you can still access couple of things here, a couple of things there I'm sure you all know what I mean however when I think back to my years of deep struggling with pornography I remember a lot of stuff I remember doing a lot of very embarrassing and sometimes even troubling stuff to get my pornography fill, although there are a lot of stuff that I did when I was younger even before I struggled and during my struggles and even after my struggles until right now I do stuff without thinking in my own personal life things that I would not want people to know obviously. however , specifically for Me Being that I struggled with pornography felt then I was alone, alone in my struggle - felt like I was the only one going through it I felt that even if the world is going through it wasn't like me I was different I felt like everybody else was able to concentrate on the learning better and everybody else was a success And I was a failure I was embarrassed of myself  I think pornography amplified my doing these crazy obscure insane things. some stuff I'm able to get off my chest by talking to random people in the street some stuff I'm able to talk to my wife about but some stuff I feel like I could never mouth the words. when I space out sometimes, I think of these things that I did, and it is really troubling that I cannot get them off my chest  so I figured out share a topic and feel free to join for free to like feel free to comment because I don't know any of you here and even the few of you that I've had contact with I certainly never met you and I don't know you personally so I kind of feel comfortable to let loose so to say hopefully it will help Me talk about them sometimes you know get validation but hearing other people did similar things even small things, when you're in the world of struggling with porn since you completely isolate that from people around you - even if you talk about it with your friends and joke about it with your peers he still don't watch porn with other people at least that's what I think say there is an element of The Secret Life that you have so I feel like when I had that it made me do other stuff and completely cover them up and nobody would ever know some of the stuff that I did or at least I hope not my thought process is based on is similar idea of any of these therapy groups even though I've never been to earn an I hopefully don't plan on although lots of people said I need to for various reasons I've definitely been to therapists in my life and still think that there is one element of what they do which is listened to people which is probably a key factor to helping people overcome past struggles and things that are buried deep inside them if it's a story that has gory details obviously I won't share because I don't want to trigger anybody but I will definitely be seeing some crazy stuff and the moderators could feel free to edit them I won't be insulted for me it's just letting it out so I'll start with one or two things and I'll see where this goes I feel like everybody has this inside of them and I think this is a perfect opportunity where nobody knows anybody and anonymously you can let loose of some of the things and you never know maybe some people will be able to help others or be helped themselves . some stuff that I did for relatively small things like I would watch porn on the phones in Walmart or Verizon anything like that And I would masturbate into my pants in front of people I think I was pretty good at it and nobody noticed but whenever I finished although I felt very bad about what I had just done I felt even more bad then nobody will ever know and it was just one more brick on the fortress I was building around myself. one thing in particular I want to mention now which comes up many many many times in my life and embarrasses me to myself from time to time and I have nobody to ever talk to about this is that one time I got drunk when I was in high school and near my dorm there was an Internet cafe where I would obviously go from time to time to watch porn one Shabbos I got very drunk I want to watch and get my phone can't believe I'm even writing this I went to the bank took out money and went to the cafe and watched porn publicly to some extent until the store owner threw me out I guess cause he realized I was drunk And I was maybe doing it out loud or something I feel like that was the biggest chillul hashem ever I'm although I don't cry I'm just not that type I don't really get emotional but every time I think of that story I feel like I'm worth nothing I walk around the street and even a garbage can is better than me thank you for listening to this about Me

Thank you

First two things you gotta learn: full stops and line breaks!!!

If it gets it off your head then sure, if you see the craziness then perhaps 12 steps is where you ought to be, there you write out your entire story and discuss every nook and cranny with a sponsor.

i dont want a sponser i just want t write and vent what full stops line breks?

growup wrote on 13 May 2020 16:10:

Periods and paragraphs.

Hey "growup", great post. Takes courage to share that episode. That's the stuff of teshuva. Vidui - admitting, and azivas hachet/kabala l'asid. From our conversations it sounds like you are not going to do that ever again.

We all walk around with shame - it is a component of v'chatasi negdi samid. And vomiting it out (and maybe that's why punctuation is missing - vomit is not exactly restricted by boundaries...) is both therapeutic and halachically appropriate.

Regarding something else you wrote - many of us heavy masturbators developed ways to get it done in almost any location without people realizing. What it shows is how desperate we were to do it. That's all. The act itself may be a terrible aveira, but our frequency and method showed serious illness. Doing it in public places secretively does not make us more guilty, it makes us more nebach out of control.

i actually wrote it, with perfect commas and periods, in a document on my laptop. For some reason, when i transferred it, it looks like a mess -sorry.

I will try and edit it.

Thank you hashem, for where i am. I had davened cried begged and pleaded, hashem! make me not want porn!! make me flirt with every representtive!! make me not be the guy that loves to talk dirty!! make me not fantasize day and night!! make me not go home from my friends wedding have a blast everyone went to sleep and me like a idiot feels compelled to walk to a internet cafe and watch porn!!! 
I THOUGHT I COULD SCREAM SO LOUD HASHEM WOULD BE FORCED TO LISTEN!!
Now i realize, i had to do the work, the ups and downs, because now that i have came past some of those struggles, i am much more confident in myself, i know with proper planning guidelines and davening, i could stride through anything!!
When i slip and fall, its like the guy who pinches himself to make sure hes not sleeping, so i slip ch"v, terrible. horrible. but i dont get depressed it reminds me i am human.
Good shabbos
gonna have a shot of tequlia

nanananananana, TEQUILA!

Singularity wrote on 16 May 2020 20:21:

Makes everything all better 
Enjoy it @growup you deserve it!

you know how many years i felt i would never ever be sexually satisfied?? wow bh i was wrong

growup wrote on 11 May 2020 01:53:

Wow, I saw this post a while ago and have been meaning respond. If it's a lot to process for me, I can't imagine what you have gone through. It's beautiful that you found GYE, sounds like the perfect fit... Give you strory with anonymity and get real answers and Chizuk from real people. It takes guts to write down when you felt you were at your worst, be proud that you have had the courage to do that.
When writing about your worst, sometimes, your at your best. 
it's great to feel when your at your high, and you feel like that this is a new beginning and you can conquer the world. When you get off your cloud 9, and your in a more normal state, begin to prepare realistic goals and methods that you can work on to get to what your end goal is. 
Enjoy he moment, and everything else will follow. 
For someone like you, who's been through a lot, can also I'm sure have a lot to gain and relate to the others struggling with this inyan. I've found it helpful for myself to post on others forums every now and then, and it does wonders. In giving this Chizuk and advice your usually getting more that  you give. 
Maybe you can help other have a mental outlet as well, and in that state of helping, feel free yourself too.  

i am so crazy, or rather, i was so crazy, i once borrowed someones phone in 11th or 12th grade and texted chacha for someething dirty, and like a idiot flirted with some stupid chacha lady, and masturbated, obviously when i gave back the phone, it was sticky, and a few guys found out, ewwww what a crazy person i was. 
baruch hashem i am diffrent

growup wrote on 19 May 2020 23:38:

Wow. I totally forgot about chacha

growup wrote on 19 May 2020 23:38:

We all did things we aren't proud of. But like you said, you're different - 747 days different!

WOW!! reminds me that i also texted lots of bad stuff with chacha and then my rosh yeshiva caught me with my cell that was not permitted to have on yeshiva premises and he took away the phone from me... he than read the messages and gave it to the mashgiach... Wow totally forgot about this story!! this happened about 15 years...