I struggle with many lust related items prn zl etc as far back as i can remember 
Im married now loving wife with beautiful children. wife knows my struggles but not to the extent. 
I just started GYE and am 4 days clean now.
However it was still a struggle in the sense of whats the point Hashem knows what ive done and im going straight to hell
My whole life was in this pre-notion

Every yom kippur i would do teshuvah only to fall 2 days later and those high lows used to kill me
Ive been chatting with davidt lately and i told him how i felt 
right away told me what do you think hashem put us here to roast? he directed me to r shafiers shiurim on the fight 
he explains that Hashem put us on this world and gives the circumstances, circumstances are not your fault
and now he just wants us to fight

For the first time ever i realized i may get olam habbo and I cant stop crying

Every morning when i wake up i pass the shul and decide should i continue straight to work and pray a 2 min shema shmona esray and quickly go online, or go pray like a mench in shul

This morning i decided to go to shul (which itself is a huge struggle for me)
from the time i opened the siddur i couldnt stop crying from love of hashem knowing that he loves me
and i usually skip over quickly shomer Hashem et kol ohavav vet kol hareshaim yashmid .. because i believed i was praying for my destruction
today my face turned beet red and couldnt stop the torrent of tears that i am too his ohavav

By the way i only cry from happiness not sadness 

I hope everyone realizes this that everyone has a chelek in olam habbo

@Im-ready. Welcome on-board. That was a powerful 1st post i actually got emotional reading it as it brought back lots and lots of memories

I used to hate hashem i thought of him as these scary monster who is just trying to do as much as possible in order to punish me. When i will miss shachris, masturbate watch pornography in my mind it was like "i screwed up with god already today" so he anyways hates me today so what's the point in trying to do the next right thing.

Anyways during my recovery process I'm learning about a new loving God who gave me a challenge and is guiding my life in a certain unique path but he is my biggest cheerleader

Honestly lately that I've been attending live SA meetings I've been missing shachris pretty much every week-day and while it's an area that i need to work on. There is a time and place for everything and God loves me regardless.

 Love Yankel 

Thanks for the reply 
Its comforting to know Im not alone in the struggles I face.
In the past when I fell I try to hide from Hashem and was living a live void of him.
I hope my feeling of connection stays with me 

Hoping to reach your level of him being my cheerleader

im-ready wrote on 26 Dec 2019 17:12:

@im-ready we are here to grow together! let's stay connected and keep on moving ahead.

@iampowerless

Can you elaborate on your explanation:


This is exactly how I feel whenever I fall.

(although now that I haven't fallen for over a week, it has turned into simmering agitation, but the same feeling remains.)

farblunjet wrote on 02 Jan 2020 01:39:

Maybe try to listen to https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/ .. you'll get a new perspective on this whole topic. 

DavidT wrote on 02 Jan 2020 15:42:

Thanks @DavidT. This is an excellent shiur and really answers @farblungent question

A little update of how im doing
So far its been 11 days and im still clean.
Whats helped me tremendously was the fight cd from r shafier.
and the general sense of self worth that was absent before i started this journey
Additionally chatting with members  has been a tremendous deterrent and gives me a chizzuk cuz were all in this together
with all still thoughts sometimes creep into my head, but overall ive never had such an amazing 11 days
My wife sees the difference too plus feel happier.
just thinking about the good feelings of all this, against the loss of good feelings if i fail helps in the fight as well.

Today was a slow day in work and what that means is ill sit in front of my computer and surf alittle nothing bad just some muttar stuff.
and so the yetzer horah started talking but i knew what he was up to,
a member on the chat advised me to get out alittle and go for a jog.

I ended up in yeshivah in my old seat sat and learned for 20 min. davened a gishmaka mincha.
And when i got back to work there were lines of customers waiting on me plus i have no urge to look at anything questionable
Hope the yetzer horah keeps bringing me in more customers

im-ready wrote on 02 Jan 2020 21:49:

@im-ready, congrats on your 14th day!

WOW, 2 full clean weeks ... we are all inspired and we hope that many more will follow in this path. Keep up the good work!

Welcome to GYE! 

I can identify a lot with what you said, and I am sure you have realized many of us on GYE have experienced similar feelings. You should congragulate yourself though because you have already won half the battle! Realizing that Hashem loves you and that he created you with urges, but that you actually have the power to work on yourself in a balanced and healthy way is super empowering. Hashem didn't create us to be perfect...Hashem created us to strive TOWARDS perfection. Keep on taking little steps and you will be shocked how close towards "perfection" you can actually get!

Hatzlacha and keep inspiring us!  

Keep it up! Lots of people cheering you on over here. 

im-ready wrote on 26 Dec 2019 17:12:

Well, realistically it won't stay for too long. The more you experience it, however, it will help even in a down period.

A huge factor of success is the ability to get away from negative thoughts & feelings and replacing them with positive ones. I'd dare say that most people would benefit from professional help in this.

I’m not sure if for everyone but for me all these are helping 
I just hit my 30 day mark and I feel great

• 1-Knowing I’m a Ben olam haboh
• 2-Knowing Hashem loves me and don’t want to let him down
• 3-knowing that I’m together with thousands of people working on the same goal makes me feel like I’m not some perverted person but perfectly normal
• 4-Chatting on GYE helps tremendously knowing if I’m at the brink I can chat and all my not good passions melt with all their good advice
• 5-I'm on a streak and don’t want to mess up.
• 6-Mussar daily on subjects of why we’re here in this world
• 7-Learning Torah makes me feel special so I don’t want to sin
• 8-I’m so proud of myself and don’t want to be disappointed
• 9-Determined to succeed as I’m a perfectionist in everything and will try my best
• 10- Knowing that it’s not so hard, because all I’m expected to do is the moves and do what I think works best for me, as far as success it’s not up to me it’s up to Hashem