Hello everyone,
Last night I had a partial slip, I have tentatively decided to not reset my counter because I willfully teared myself away from it before completing the act and having a good streak is motivating for me (if I do such a thing again, I will reset).

Yesterday , I davened, put on tallit and tefillin and studied Torah. I Did it mostly alone because I am currently in an area without a minyan. This morning, given the generally miserable day I had yesterday, I really really want to do none of those things. I will because I have to, but it feels as if none of those things worked for me, that I could daven and still have a miserable day and even slip up in the one struggle I am most proud of.

How do you deal with the idea that the good things you did, the mitzvot you fulfilled, were ineffective if they didn't make you satisfied, fulfilled, or even stop you from breaking negative mitzvot? Thanks for reading.

Hi Greenland. Sounds like a peaceful secluded place you are in.
i don't know you, so I'm not responding directly to what you wrote, but your post reminds me of the smoker who died from a heart attack, and couldn't figure out why his daily bowl of Whole Grain Cheerios didn't protect his heart the way the box says it should.

Mitzvos and Aveiros that one does do not cancel each other out. The fact that one stumbled in one area does not take away from all the other good deeds he did.

As far as Mizvos saving one from sin, I believe the Gemora says that a Mitzva only protects one from the consequences of a sin, while learning Torah saves one from coming to sinning in the first place.

An exception is the Mitzva of Tzitzis which protect one from sinning as it says וּרְאִיתֶ֣ם אֹת֗וֹ וּזְכַרְתֶּם֙ אֶת־כָּל־מִצְוֺ֣ת ... וַעֲשִׂיתֶ֖ם אֹתָ֑ם וְלֹֽא־תָתֻ֜רוּ אַחֲרֵ֤י לְבַבְכֶם֙ וְאַחֲרֵ֣י עֵֽינֵיכֶ֔ם. See Mishna Brura Siman 23 S.K. 5.

Well thanks for the replies. I think stillgoing your analogy was on point. There's no amount of defensive driving for instance, that will stop you from having the choice to turn into oncoming traffic going 90. I guess the challenge is not seeing that the Mitzvot were the problem or any part of it whatsoever.

And as for Gevura, I appreciate that perspective and the fact is that I haven't been studying enough Torah and haven't been even consistently covering my head outside of prayer as much as I should.

Greenland

You have to understand why you act out - why you as an individual want to look at bad images.

It might be lust.

It might be emotional pian - so bad that you need any kind of high to escape it - even the fake high of bad images or acting out.

If so...then no amount of putting on Tefillin will help.

You do not really want to slip or fall...but you are in pain.

You have to get to the source of that pain and deal with it....counselling perhaps?

And, when you feel that pain, acknowledge it and consciously carry out a positive act...walk, see a friend, visit relatives etc.

Mindfulness can help.

When an urge comes, break down things into 5 minute blocks.
Say to yourself, I will do an activity for the next 5 minutes to take my mind off the urge.

But the key is to see the urge for what it is, an urge...external to you.
But triggered by your genuine emotions.

So long term you need to live a life that nourishes you in a healthy way.

That is about fulfilment from positive activities and a realistic approach.

But when the urge strikes, you do need a tactical plan.

Try walking, reading, calling a friend etc.

Or mindfulness.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior