This is my first day on GYE and after reading a lot I found myself perplexed because many of the motivators and triggers didn't seem to apply to me, at least not anymore, and yet I still continued to act out on a regular basis. This may sound crazy, but I almost think it could be categorized as force of habit because I have been doing it for so long. It began for me a very long time ago, probably 30 years ago when I was a boy. As technology advanced, it just became easier. I think from when it began until I got married it was at least partially to relieve sexual frustration. I think there may also have been a part of it that enjoyed the forbidenness of it all as a form of rebellion. It also of course felt good. I have been married 17 years now and I'm not sure really why I still do it and that bothers me. I see with some people its a matter of lust or frustration during the times when one's wife is assur. That isn't my problem, I don't think my drive is so strong so its not the yetzer hara in that sense. Maybe it is the physical pleasure derived from it, but as I think about it, I wonder if now I do it because as its just "who I am". I've been doing it for so long, its almost a default activity when I'm alone. I don't find that there are external triggers. I don't feel the urge to do it because I have seen something arousing. I do have a fair amount of time alone during the day so the opportunity is there and it can fill the time. I suppose I enjoy it but I've never really made any real concerted effort to stop even though I have always known it was wrong. Maybe after committing an aveira for so long, I just felt that I wasn't going to win this one so focus on all the other ways I could be a good Jew which I basically have. What ultimately got me to GYE was when I realized how hurtful it would be to my wife if she ever found out. I read how deeply wounded people's wives were when they found out. I don't think I realized until recently why would be the case. I would never want to hurt my wife and she certainly doesn't deserve that. I suppose it has impacted our intimacy, which I do regret, and I know my wife has always wished it could be better. Its hard to know what it would have been like if I hadn't been doing this all the while but I do feel like I probably missed out on something amazing in life. But its probably not too late. If I stopped, maybe I could still have that. Rationally, there is no way I could ever argue that being able to do it was even remotely close to worth it given the hurt I could cause to many people if I ever got caught. So could it really be that I do it now because its just what I have always done? Maybe I do need to delve deeper as to why I do it or maybe it doesn't matter and I should just try very hard to stop and not fall into old habits. I would appreciate any insight from others who may have had similar feelings.

formyfamily wrote on 08 Apr 2019 21:40:

I like this post.

Sorry to hear about your issues.

They speak to me a lot.

Why do you say your wife suffered?

By the way, my history is all over this place, primarily in a thread called tryin' and mikvah somethin'.

I'm sure my "activities" lowered my drive during times when she was muttar and she has expressed that she wanted to feel more desired. I think it caused her to doubt herself when in fact it really had nothing to do with her or anything she was doing wrong.

formyfamily

I think you will know deep down why you act out.

So many triggers are possible

Pleasure
Stress release
Lust, induced by porn
Hunger
Resentment at not getting your own way so seek pleasure to feel "good"
Loneliness
Tiredness
Depression

Not sure from your post but seems to me it could be Stress Release - you use fantasy as a way of escaping problems?

Anyway, welcome.

And a request, please can you use paragraphs on long posts?
Makes it so much easier to understand them.

So, if you would list the reasons you want to stop, they would be (in this precise order):
1. Terrified (all of a sudden) of gettin' caught (for several reasons possibly).
2. You (upon realization) dislike the feelin' of hurtin' your wife.
3. It is wrong.

Is that accurate?

Reverse 1 and 2

Welcome! 
I definitely relate to the feeling of needing to do it, mainly out of habit. Been that way for about 25 years. Sure, I have triggers that can send me flying, but even without external triggers, every time I sit for too long, lay down in bed, or just am alone, I automatically start feeling the need in my lower abdomen.
I've joined SA about 3 months ago, and Thank G-D, staying clean is gradually becoming easier. The longer I hold off, the less the "habit" side of me kicks in. I still need to face triggers all the time, but I'm learning how to deal with them. If I ever do start slipping a bit with the triggers though, the habit comes right back as if never gone....
I'm curious why only now after 17 years did the feelings of possibly getting caught & hurting your wife kick in. Do you find your methods of acting out escalating to dangerous areas? Are you taking bigger risks, unable to stop when you know there's a good chance at being caught? Think about it. Try stopping on your own, if it ain't working out you may want to consider speaking to a professional about addictions.
You should have much הצלחה, whatever route you take!

formyfamily wrote on 08 Apr 2019 23:56:

Hence, your gye handle.

Keep us posted how it goes.

So Im new here but I relate to alot of what you said. Thanks for sharing

Super first post! Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha. What you wrote reonates with me a lot. Acting out just for the sake of habit.....

Hello,
What you are describing seems to be what is called in the gemara, נעשית לו כהיתר. A person becomes used to doing something wrong, so much so, that it becomes just something that he does. At this point no major trigger is needed to get him to do it, it's just something that he does without really thinking about it.
Conversely, if there are no major triggers, you may have an easier time getting yourself to stop!
All the best!

That was a great first post.  May Hashem give you siyata dishmaya to win this battle.  It will not be easy and you will have many falls.  But if you keep trying you will eventually win.  As you have noted, since you were involved in this behavior for  many years, it will take a while to overcome this.  But try to keep the "big picture" in mind and not let the small falls hamper you down.  You will eventually win.  It may not be today or next week or even in a year from now.  But you will eventually win.  Hatzlacha brother.

Thank you to all who responded. Its very helpful to know that others have thought about this in a similar way. I think the reason why after 17 years of being married I came to this now as it relates to my wife is that I really didn't get it until recently. I really thought that if she ever found out she would probably be annoyed and tell me she didn't want me to do it anymore but not that it would be crushing emotionally and put our marriage almost instantly at risk. Only after coming across some articles by women who had caught a spouse did I realize how a woman views it.
In terms of considering the implications of getting caught, maybe I was taking more chances as time went on enjoying the danger perhaps, but I think its more that as my life has gone on, I am very blessed to say that B"H I have had more and more to lose. More people who count on me and more people who look up to me. If there was one incident that finally got me to join GYE it was that I ended up spending most of a workday last week online. It went by so fast that it really scared me. I hope I am able to break the habit using the tools here. I'm actually feeling somewhat confident that I will be able to.

Thank you for your post i definitely can relate to the feeling of acting out of habit but once i started with GYE about 2 weeks ago and started to understand more and more what was actually happening inside my brain i have a whole new perspective and i feel at this point just having that understanding is what is helping me with the fight.
I can also say as a pretty new member here this is an amazing group of people that are so supportive and understanding and ready to help in every way. Stay connected its so powerful!!!! 

Formyfamily, as you see, you received a warm welcome here. In general, the chevra who keep posting and connect, BH do well. GYE offers many strategies, all of which are helpful, but for many of us, a major help was simply being able to connect to others who understood us. We finally found out we were not the rasha/loser that we assumed we were. We were able to unload the monster sized dark secrets that were schlepping us down. We received chizuk and practical advice. We learned the truth about sexuality. So chaver, keep posting and stay connected. You write very well and as you iyh get better, you will be an inspiration for many others reading your thread.