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sharing with your spouse your challenge????
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 718 Views

sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 06 Jan 2019 21:18 #338243

  • ydid
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Well in short : Rav Avigdor Miller says BE ARTIFICIAL don't tell your wife about EVERYTHING!! : 
 But : maybe its like a wall between you a her that should not to be there.

please share you experience and  thoughts about the topic. 



   

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 07 Jan 2019 00:35 #338247

  • ColinColin
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I am single so my opinion might be irrelevant.

I think best to first go to professional help, which by the way includes this forum and website.

My reason is that just because you tell your spouse, does not mean they will be able to help you.
They might not understand you.
They might not even accept you.

So if you can work on your problem in private, then do so.

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 07 Jan 2019 04:57 #338251

ydid wrote on 06 Jan 2019 21:18:
Well in short : Rav Avigdor Miller says BE ARTIFICIAL don't tell your wife about EVERYTHING!! : 
 But : maybe its like a wall between you a her that should not to be there.

please share you experience and  thoughts about the topic. 



   

I'm single but from the adviced I received and most people on gye would agree one shouldn't say, however your point that it'll be a blockade is a valid one. 
On the other hand having that wall is better off then ending off with no wall, and no "her".
So what overides?
Feel free to pm me
"The 30 sec enjoyment ain't worth the 30 day depression which comes right after it!"

ולכן אל יפול לב אדם וכו' גם אם יהיה כן   כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 07 Jan 2019 13:57 #338257

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ydid wrote on 06 Jan 2019 21:18:
 But : maybe its like a wall between you a her that should not to be there.

please share you experience and  thoughts about the topic. 
  

By My experience me and my wife do not tell about everything. And I do not want to know everything about her. I do not want to know details of her obgyn exams also I am sure she does not want to know about my disgusting thoughts. 

Husband is only person which can make decision if sharing his struggle with his wife is good idea or bad idea. There is some GYE members which shared his struggles with his wife and marriage improved. every marriage and every man and woman is different. But it is responsibel  for every husband and wife should learn each other personality. You know what she will accept and which she will not accept.

Yes honest is very important for marriage, family and life but sometimes hiding truth is best choice to make happy the people which is close to us.
-"Все наши слова - пустой звук, если наше сердце не с нами"

-"есть око видят и ухо слышащее и все твои дела записываются в книгу
Last Edit: 07 Jan 2019 14:00 by ehrliche.bochur. Reason: Edititing paragraphs

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 08 Jan 2019 15:27 #338292

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Very tough question.
Went to SA last night & 2 things broke my heart:
1 friend walked in, I knew he was divorced, but now I guess I know why...
Another person I shmuessed with after, married over 15 years and never breathed a word about this to his wife. He nebach has to make up stories to get out & RECOVER... kills me to think of spending hopefully many many years with someone you constantly need to lie to & can't truly connect.

Obviously the longer you put off telling, the harder & more hurtful it's going to be. But unless you're issue is not really taking over your life (-ie not really addicted), not telling means living a double-life with the one you should be most connected to. You'll be living with secrecy. Addiction breeds on secrecy.
Obviously I wouldn't tell if I wasn't yet involved in a serious recovery plan (more than just posting on this forum), and wouldn't share all the dirty details either, just the basic struggle.
Telling is hard but getting busted is harder. An addict does risky things & very likely will get busted eventually. Happened to me, & I thought I was an expert in covering my tracks...
:relieved:still married over a year later, went thru rough times but in a much better place now. הודו לה' כי טוב!

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 08 Jan 2019 18:36 #338295

  • stillgoing
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EscapeArtist wrote on 08 Jan 2019 15:27:
...Obviously I wouldn't tell if I wasn't yet involved in a serious recovery plan (more than just posting on this forum), 

I did. I told her before I was in a real recovery, simply because I was completely out of ideas, sickenly stuck in the horrible cycle of acting out getting up, acting out, getting up, im getting nauseous thinking about it. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew my wife loved me and I threw caution to the wind because I absolutely HAD to break out of the horrible cycle. There was (and is) a lot lot lot lot lot of pain on both our sides, but ultimately her knowledge is the step stool that I needed to take my recovery efforts further, to new ideas that had previously been something that I could never do.
Another benefit is that our marriage has actually grown stronger since my honesty,
would I recommend it? Each case is different, but in my case telling my wife was definitely a life saver, several lives. And I mean that literally.
BIG SHOT!
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Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 08 Jan 2019 19:37 #338298

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Sorry to throw cold water on this one, and risk the wrath of many.  My question is, How many GYEers have told their spouses and ended up in divorce or irreconcilable marriage?

For one, I believe my marriage would be over, and that is why I remain to myself.  Based on knowing my wife for 20 years, she would be so devastated, and her general insecurity would make her wonder 'Who or what is he looking at?' every moment of her life till 120.  She has a very hard time trusting others (some of it has to do with events in her past), and even if there was a possibility of getting through it, the marriage would be gone before there was sufficient time to heal.  And it's not even a question; I am 120% sure that I am assessing my situation correctly.

I know she doesn't have an inkling of what I have done, or what I am struggling with, because our relationship would go south if she even had a remote chashash.  Though I am a very truthful person in almost every aspect of my life, my 'other side' is a deceptive liar who is very good at covering his tracks (and he hides behind the איש אמת on the other side).

I'm not saying not to tell.  Many are sharing posts of how they had hard times but pulled through.  I wish my wife had the constitution to weather this storm; I could use her love, support, intuition and dedication for this battIe. I am so lonely in my biggest challenge in life, only after 120 will she know what I went through.  I am handicapped in this fight without her. What I am saying is that there's no one-size-fits-all, and telling can be the most beneficial or the most damaging move you will make.

Proceed with caution!

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 08 Jan 2019 19:49 #338300

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Answered; beautiful, sophisticated, written great, sound like an expert is giving advice! [free of charge:grinning:] . 

did you by any chance put in my shoes?! i feel in in your shoes.....


thanks a lot 

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 03:26 #338341

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Thistimeillwin wrote on 08 Jan 2019 19:37:
Sorry to throw cold water on this one, and risk the wrath of many.  My question is, How many GYEers have told their spouses and ended up in divorce or irreconcilable marriage?

For one, I believe my marriage would be over, and that is why I remain to myself.  Based on knowing my wife for 20 years, she would be so devastated, and her general insecurity would make her wonder 'Who or what is he looking at?' every moment of her life till 120.  She has a very hard time trusting others (some of it has to do with events in her past), and even if there was a possibility of getting through it, the marriage would be gone before there was sufficient time to heal.  And it's not even a question; I am 120% sure that I am assessing my situation correctly.

I know she doesn't have an inkling of what I have done, or what I am struggling with, because our relationship would go south if she even had a remote chashash.  Though I am a very truthful person in almost every aspect of my life, my 'other side' is a deceptive liar who is very good at covering his tracks (and he hides behind the איש אמת on the other side).

I'm not saying not to tell.  Many are sharing posts of how they had hard times but pulled through.  I wish my wife had the constitution to weather this storm; I could use her love, support, intuition and dedication for this battIe. I am so lonely in my biggest challenge in life, only after 120 will she know what I went through.  I am handicapped in this fight without her. What I am saying is that there's no one-size-fits-all, and telling can be the most beneficial or the most damaging move you will make.

Proceed with caution!

Only you know for sure, and I don’t mean this in a critical way, but it’s worth noting- you’re saying that you’re wife couldn’t handle it because of her issues, and that you’re handicapped in this battle. It sounds so much like you’re placing responsibility with her to fix this; she has no obligation to deal with this at all. You were very clear- she wouldn’t stand for it, which means it’s like she’s telling you that I don’t want to deal with this problem. That’s her right, and it’s your job to fix.

Also, so many of us said the exact same thing as you did, and many of us got caught and it still worked out. 

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 06:18 #338345

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Yes, to Workingguy. She could find out anyway - good point to consider.
My feelings on the matter are as follows - we can't be great husbands if untruthful but to be truthful we can't be untruthful to ourselves. This 'double life' isn't being untruthful to others - it is being untruthful to ourselves. We keep the show for others for our own ego. So either way, saying to your wife isn't changing the underline issue. The only thing it could do is push you to be truthful to yourself. This is case by case.
Let's say you are trying failed plans, not seeking therapy/counseling, and giving excuses fast and furious. Perhaps revealing to your wife, could help push you to change - be more truthful.
Let's say you are in therapy, going to meetings, and working on trying to be truthful to yourself. Perhaps at this moment, it would throw a monkey wrench in the whole issue to tell your wife - maybe she will be upset, maybe you'll get off track.
The key is (and this is foundation) what would be truthfully the best decision. Take away the doubt, the guilt - what for you would be the best and the best for your wife. This likely needs to be discussed with a partner to see if you're being honest.
This advice is from a person who is in need of being more truthful with himself, so take it with a grain of salt :-)
Last Edit: 10 Jan 2019 06:22 by Calculator. Reason: incoherency

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 10:46 #338349

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Hi all

Just after we were married, I felt like I was going insane. I felt dirty and crazy so I told my wife that I had previously had issues with looking at things I shouldn't. That was NOT a good idea. Much too early in marriage. 

More recently I sometimes drop hints about how I'm still working hard. But the truth is, I don't think she wants to know. 

So, here is a controversial one... I think some men (myself included) tell their wives so their wives will have sex with them. Or because they simply feel guilty and want to release that guilt which is also, if you think about it, selfish. 

There are no easy answers or even catch-all answers. 

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 16:26 #338355

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bego wrote on 10 Jan 2019 10:46:
Hi all

Just after we were married, I felt like I was going insane. I felt dirty and crazy so I told my wife that I had previously had issues with looking at things I shouldn't. That was NOT a good idea. Much too early in marriage. 

More recently I sometimes drop hints about how I'm still working hard. But the truth is, I don't think she wants to know. 

So, here is a controversial one... I think some men (myself included) tell their wives so their wives will have sex with them. Or because they simply feel guilty and want to release that guilt which is also, if you think about it, selfish. 

There are no easy answers or even catch-all answers. 

Dov explains this idea in depth check it out in  the Dov qoutes
Last Edit: 10 Jan 2019 18:03 by i-man.

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 17:02 #338356

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I believe if it's not affecting your relationship with her (hard to imagine if you're really addicted), then it's probably selfish to tell her. You'll turn her world upside down just to make yourself feel better.
If however, you are constantly disengaged, not living in the moment, not able to be a real husband, then it is wise, as it can definitely help with recovery & even build the relationship. Obviously every case must be judged carefully, as none of us want to end up on the streets, I assume. Too early she may not be commited enough to push through it; too late and it's more hurtful that you were hiding things for longer...

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 10 Jan 2019 17:50 #338359

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Workingguy wrote on 10 Jan 2019 03:26:
you’re saying that you’re wife couldn’t handle it because of her issues, and that you’re handicapped in this battle. It sounds so much like you’re placing responsibility with her to fix this; she has no obligation to deal with this at all.

Just to clarify, nobody is responsible to clean up a guy's mess but himself.  It would be great to get help from one's עזר כנגדו, but if she isn't strong enough, you just have to do it yourself.

If you're moving furniture to host a simcha and it's 1:00 am when you can't call anyone over, and your wife's at the wrong time of the month, you don't blame her, but you wish she could give you a hand.

I got myself into this mess, and it's up to me to get out of it.  I wish I had that kind of help and support, but it's tough luck that I am handicapped in the battle.  At least we have each other on GYE; without you I wasn't succeeding all these years.

As for mentioning her previous issues, it was not to blame her or her issues for my hardships, it was to say that her previous issues are what make it clear to me that she's not up to it, even if all your wives are.  Hashem picked my spouse for me, and it's for my benefit that she has the life experiences she has.  I don't even believe I was ever worthy of her, with all the 'baggage' I have (which was my choice, her issues were not her choice).  So I am on this journey alone to reach her level one day and truly deserve her.

Re: sharing with your spouse your challenge???? 11 Jan 2019 03:27 #338379

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bego wrote on 10 Jan 2019 10:46:


So, here is a controversial one... I think some men (myself included) tell their wives so their wives will have sex with them. 

What kind of sick pervert want to have s*x with his own wife 
-"Все наши слова - пустой звук, если наше сердце не с нами"

-"есть око видят и ухо слышащее и все твои дела записываются в книгу
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