B''h Im on day 179 as of right now. Ive was addicted too ... and ... for a consistent 3 1/2 years, and hear and there watching bad stuff when I was much younger. I understand that i have so much to be thankful for, but i get upset that at times i have no one to share it with. (I don't want to tell my partner because i think I'm very far ahead of him and don't want to make him feel bad.) Right now i am 17 and in a yeshiva high school. Although I harshly regret all that I was doing over those years, I don't regret the growth that I have achieved and the realizations that i have had about my life. Breaking free was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, this is what i was working with from where i started out (my story here). Now that b''h I'm approaching day 180, I've been able to do more with my life and put more effort into that which i was originally slacking off in. Ive been working more in school, i started making some money in soul groups, i go to more shiurim. B''h i think I'm going on the right track. But through this "bettering of myself", I've had more time to think and introspect... to what i really want, deep down. If you read my story, you can see that from the get-go, i want to be an amazing husband and father, those thoughts and ideas are constantly on my mind. Not the idea or thought of having relations or anything like that, but more towards that i want to be the best husband and father i can be. If my dad issues and this experience has taught me anything, its that i want to be an amazing father and husband... the best. I say things to myself like "if i study for math now and teach myself discipline, i can get a good grade and have the end goal of making a good parnasa for my family" or "if i dont watch tv now, then i can have a better and relationship and love my wife with everything i got". Other things that motivate me are to not get back into my addiction. All throughout my recovery (which i am still going through), i would abstain from things like cookies and movies "I am doing this now because if i can have self control on the little things, then for sure i will be better in my control of the much harder things (of watch ... and being ...)". Things like that would be common place. Now, B''H i am very close with my mom, and she has seen that i have been doing these things, and of course, like any good mom would, she would ask "what the heck i am doing this all for". I don't want to talk about my addiction with her, so i just recently told her about the wife and family aspect of it (which is half of it). She told me just outright that i have to live in the present, and stop working about the future. She said I have to stop thinking about a wife because thats at least 6 years away, and my responsibilities right now as a 17 year old are to 1. do well in school, 2. be respectful 3. be a good friend, and above all 4. be happy. She says that by living in the future i can never fulfill 4, because its going to be so long before i can get to that spot. She also told me, that although its very healthy and normal, i am a 17 year old after all, and maybe marriage is a just a more kosher term for me for real underlying desire of wanting to be with someone physical. I don't think this is true, but it definitely got me thinking, and even a little scared. Because i know there is another 1/2 to the story, one which she is blind to, one which no one but me knows that i am a part of and involved with. It made me feel selfish, like my motivation to push myself in a lot of aspects of my life may be just to eventually "take advantage of" (for lack of a better phrase) a woman... and then what. Ive been questioning myself so much lately, and i don't know where to turn. And even if she is right about that i shouldn't worry about wife and should just live in the present, what about my recovery. How do i know that giving up all of that stuff (like abstaining from cookies) is what is keeping away from my addiction. Am i too hard on myself, should i keep going, should i let go a little bit and see where I'm holding, what should i give up on, what should i keep, how much etc... I just don't know, and sadly this has been affecting me. I just want answers to the unknown.
I know this was really long winded, i apologize to all of those who have to read this. Thanks for reading for those who did, any thoughts?

Heyo

The advice your mother gave, I was thinking... if we're not really honest we're not going to get the answer that will actually help us. In yeshiva I told my rebbe I was having wet dreams. I didn't add in all the compulsive masturbating too. He gave me some answer how to deal with it. Did it help? I wonder what your mother'd say if she knew the whole truth...