my question was do you have an illusion of what a connection with god is?

i used to think there was supposed to be fireworks coming from his end 
when that wasn't happening and when i stopped fooling myself that it was
i thought that the fireworks gotta come from me when those died out
oy vey i found porn
now i started to realize aint know need for fireworks it's about creating an honest open relationship that is sometimes good and sometimes bad but it can always be a relationship 

imho the fact that you can be open and honest about this is a great first step and shows your core that is huge 
if you feel this is irrelevant to you just ignore it (i don;t want to be like that friend i understand that feeling)

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Hi lifebound,
just read your feed. I feel your pain. I don’t know you, but I do know that there is a very intelligent, well-meaning fellow yid in his mid-20s that is really letting potentially amazing years slip away, and that hurts me.
you started out saying how you’re uncomfortable sharing and being open, and then you left GYE for a couple months and now you’re back. have you made progress with the idea of opening up?
i really really think that you have to get yourself some real-person help.
let me ask you a question: if you were in a situation of pikuach nefesh and the only way you could survive was by doing something very painful? Would you not do it?
i really think that this is how you should be viewing this situation.
youre young! And you have a whole life ahead of you! 
You have to just close your eyes and walk into a therapists office, pretend you’re the only one in the room, and let it spill out. It sounds like there’s so much more going on underneath the surface that you have to uncover. 
I wouldn’t worry about not having a connection/believing in Hashem.
it sounds to me like you’re in a place that you’re really unhappy about. Unhappiness leads to depression. And when depressed it is extremely extremly hard to connect to anything.
i don’t know the exact lashon, but the Seforim say that Avodas Hashem can only come out of simcha.
you have to get that simcha back into your life.
and I think a great way to do that is to find a real person to sit down with and talk about your past, uncover your pain.
by doing this, you’ll hopefully be able to set a perspective on where you’re holding right now, build a more positive perspective for your future and set some goals: such as lose weight with exercise, get involved with healthy things that give you enjoyment, improve relationships with friends and family, start being open with the people you care about
and then iyh I really think this path could lead to a place where in a year from now you’re in a place where you’re happy with yourself and ready to date.
yes, you have to take some concrete steps in working with lust: filters, gye, perhaps a partner
but I think the key is to sit down with someone who you can work some things out about your past that are inevitably weighing you down.
please fellow yid, we want to see you get this turned around.
we want to see you start taking positive steps for the better.
we want to see you be happy.
we want to see you be in a place where you feel you’re ready to build a home.
 You have to take the step and get help. There’s just too much at stake here.
Dont let us down

Hakol said it all. Lifebound, we care about you and want to see you relieved from your pain. If you are not ready for a therapist do you have a rebbi, rav, or close friend you can share with? And one point - if you are concerned with the embarrassment - doesn't being on this site prove to you that large segments of our community struggle with pornography, depression, and everything else related to this parsha?

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Ok great. 
Yes im young. You caught me lol.
It’s actually one of the things I’m self-conscious about quite often. Many times I feel that I may have what to say, but perhaps it’s not my place to give input to someone older than me.
but one thing that I’ve learnt.
Don’t look at young old, big or small, chashuv not chashuv.
We can all learn a lot from each other.

lifebound wrote on 02 Feb 2018 05:52:

You are assuming that it needs to be someone who you have a history of opening up with. Well being that you have never opened up before, how exactly would you have that?
Well that’s not who it has to be. All you have to do is choose someone who is experienced with life and are comfortable shmuzing with. Then you have to make one of the hardest decisions by deciding you’re going to speak to this guy without boundaries and call him and ask him to talk.
i can promise you, there is literally few better feelings in the world of opening up to someone. It is literally like taking a thousand pounds off your shoulders. It is very liberating.
You’d be surprised how often rabbanim are approached by someone that hasn’t opened up to them before who just lets it all out to them. Most of them are very very used to this, and super caring and eager to help.
Its up to you.
You have to take the step.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 02 Feb 2018 05:39:

That's the beauty of GYE. There is no stigma. Amongst us we RESPECT those who have come here, spilled the beans, shared all the gory details, and humbly asked for help. We believe these are from the best people in the world - focused on recovery - becoming better people, giving people, G-dly people. We look at each others pasts in awe - and inspire each other. Join us. Let out the big dark monstrous secret, study it, and find out it is a definable challenge that can be conquered.

Ok. So With these mental hurdles, you have to figure out what exactly is scaring you about it
in your case, “I am scared of being judged”

now, ask yourself, why am I scared of being judged? What is the worst case scenario? Can I even be sure that I will be judged? Can I even be sure there will be a bad scenario? What am I so scared of? what do I even have to lose?

really think about it for a few minutes, and think about it honestly, and let us know.

lifebound wrote on 02 Feb 2018 06:10:

So start with people from GYE. They, you agree, wont look down at you when you open up and share.