Lifebound, sometimes we just have to jump in even when it's a tad (or even more) uncomfortable. Many many people here will attest to the fact that a big chelek of their success was due to opening up to others. (And especially if a therapist or psychiatrist is necessary.) It really works. I feel for your pain and i commiserate with your reluctance to open up. But let me ask you. If there is a 50% chance that sharing will make the difference, isn't it worth it?

Lifebound

I am from a very different background to you.
I have never set foot inside  yeshiva.

But one question.
Have you ever done daily Hitbodedut...daily chatting to Hashem, mixed with improvisational prayers?

If not, try it. Start with a couple of minutes per day. See how it goes.
Some people eventually do this for an hour per day.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 15 Sep 2017 11:20:

Oh, you're absolutely right. If this was just a logical decision then I'd have no argument. Unfortunately it's not that simple...
That being said, I don't mean that I will never speak to a therapist. I'm quite certain it will make a world of a difference. I hope as I continue opening up here and getting comfortable with sharing, the idea of therapy will become at least tolerable. This is all still so foreign to me I just can't fathom the idea of baring it all with someone in person yet.

ColinColin wrote on 16 Sep 2017 23:54:

Hi, thanks for the suggestion. I haven't but know people who do.

Why not try it?
Two minutes per day.
You have nothing to lose.

Maybe try Dov's phone call.  It may help you feel more comfortable.

Well, it's been a while but I'm back. Time for another shot at this...

Welcome back. It should be with hatzlocha.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 31 Jan 2018 05:05:

Thank you. Your previous kindness and support has not been forgotten

Welcome!.. back!

I heard a story about a Rav who would answer people's deepest question in less than a minute. Someone came to him and said, "I don't believe in Hashem."
The rov just turned to him and said, "okay, so what?"
The guy replied, "Well I can't sleep at night!"
The rov replied, "There you go. If it's bothering you so much, you obviously believe in Him." 

Stuck with me, haha. And you seem like someone full of bother. Oh bother. It's good, you beautiful neshama.

I think instead of trying to fix your distance problem first and then dealing with the lust, addressing the lust issue would heal the connection to yourself and others.

Distant from Yiddishkeit?

In the past month(s) I have mulled over eating treif, throwing it all away etc. I have failed to get up for shacharis a lot and even days past without putting on tallis / tefillin. My learning is rigid and shot and I feel unhappy and broken from my community and lack of connection with people even after having sincerely tried. 
If not for my amazing wife and kids and great job and sobriety I don't know where I'd be. 

PS I know I just contradicted myself in saying addressing the lust would heal the connection problems, but maybe I'm a different version of you.

hi welcome just saw this thread for the first time so welcome 
how are you doing now what is going on in your life?
do you have illusions about connections?
i did 

Hey singularity, thank you. That's a good story and you're right, I know it bothers me so there's definitely still something there. I totally relate to what you write about feeling distant. I'm not married and honestly refuse to get married while living this lie. I know you say your wife and kids are what keep you going, but I feel it would be irresponsible and plain wrong to marry someone while in this state. Anyways, I've been a mopey mess the last few years...not great husband material, even I wouldn't want to marry me!

I think all of us here are different versions of each other, to an extent...


Hi tzomah, nothing really has changed since my original post. I'm not sure what you mean by illusions about connections? connections to God? If that's what you mean, yes absolutely, I came to the realization 1-2 years ago that my connection was an illusion, at least to myself...still putting on a show for everyone else.

I spoke to a friend the other day who had a shidduch suggestion...he kept saying things that were meant to be encouraging and inspiring, but were completely off the mark. Things like, "You have such a solid foundation in your yiddishkeit!" and "Someone like you who comes from a stable home and family, what do you have to complain about?" and "you never put on a show, you always do what's right without caring what others think!" He meant well but it was just painful to listen to. Almost comical. I guess I'm a good actor. 

Anyways, I'm ranting. But there you go.

RANT AWAY
that's what we're here for,just a quick question.hows your physical fitness.i know afew guys that had various personal issues.and the more they tried to not think about them that inevitably led to them thinking about it all the time.being that you're single I'm assuming you might have more free time than most of us,Wich probably leads to way too much thinking. A intense workout and/or  training (boxing, jujitsu,etc.) On a daily basis,will free your mind for at least alittle while each day.with the added benefits that come along with exercise,and yes a healthy body does wonders for a not so healthy mind. (It does for me when I have the time.) . 
May hashem grant you the koach and sechel you so crave to overcome your struggles

Meier wrote on 31 Jan 2018 18:00:

I'm definitely not phyically fit. Been working on that for a while. I try to exercise every day but nothing intensive like boxing. Maybe I should try that.

I heart running. It's fun, it's free, it's fast. And you can reach an euphoric state whereby you feel you can run forever. It's a drug for sure.

LB, You say you wouldn't get married in such a state. I hear. Though marriage did wonders for me. Sometimes the responsibility pushes you beyond what you thought possible. Do you want to get married for a non-religious reason? ie the thought of building a family is nice? Or you want singlekeit for a little longer? Neither answer is wrong or right. But I'm just suggesting that marriage isn't totally out of the question. And heck, maybe your bashert will be struggling with the same stuff! I find my wife and I struggle in similar ways but it gives us a lot more ways to connect