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Journey of life
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: Journey of life 54447 Views

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 05:06 #328048

  • Meier
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Greetings lifebound.
congrats on your success so far.
Here's my 2 sense.
You are in recovery as we speak (email).
the fact that right now you can't/don't/won't see long term success doesn't mean that you aren't in recovery.
Think of this sickness as cancer 
When a survivor is on chemo and the docs find more tumors does it null and void the previous treatments?? NO of course not.
It calls for  adjustments to whatever they're doing now. As is sometimes the case the docs will switch to a completely new treatment regimen. But (and here's the important part) from the moment this patient started thier first treatment they are on the road to recovery regardless of what road blocks pop up on the way.

You might be right that what you're doing now isn't the  final mix of ingredients for success. But at least you're in the kitchen figuring out the proper recipe. And like the cancer patient the first and second set of treatments might not be the correct one but at least they're in the process if figuring out the one that will work.
I heard something nice/good the other day.
Giving up is the LAST option.being that it's the last one you still have plenty of other options to try before using the last one.
And because it's the last one why use it so quickly.
Good luck and successful cooking

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 08:34 #328056

  • Yerushalmi
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Thank you for all the clarification, I re-read my last post and realized it was a little blunt, I hope no one was offended or anything...even if I don't agree or feel that it isn't applicable to me, the varied perspectives are super helpful to learn what worked for others, and as a result develop self-awareness and clarity in what works for myself. So keep em coming, and in the words of Hakol, let's still be friends?

Dear Lifeboound,
No hard feelings taken. We are friends here (as best as we can be in an anonymous forum). Friends give each other advice, but aren't insulted if the recipient does not need it, or does not heed it. 

A therapist that I went to a while ago, said to me that all the tools and solutions are inside your [I.e. my] brain, and the the job of the therapist is to help you [me] find them and figure them out. This took me years to actually digest. I'd blame everyone under the sun for my inability to fight the yetzer, but until I said to myself "This is my life, and only I can change it, only I can ruin it and only I can fix it" did things start to improve. Case in point. I would struggle to get up on time for Shacharis. I would daven to Hashem to give me the strength to do so. One time, right after such a tefilah, a voice in my head suddenly said "If you really want to get up, why aren't you setting an alarm clock!?"  
I can go to therapy for years (I really only went for a few months), but until I decide to FULLY COMMIT to this fight, to put in the blood, sweat, and tears, and fight with everything I got, I won't win. Once I came to that conclusion, things seem to have gotten easier. I still face challenges daily. I still struggle, and I expect to struggle for a long time, but I am now fully committed to this fight. I don't view it as holding my breath delaying the inevitable, I view it as fighting the battle in front of me now, and not thinking about tomorrow's fight.
All the best to you!

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 13:17 #328066

  • lifebound
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Quick update:
Just pulled an all-nighter here. Slept too much Shabbos day = can't sleep motzei shabbos. Been that way for me for years (gonna be even worse now with the clock change...) But I'm happy to report that I was able to suppress the constant urge to relax with some good ol' fashioned porn. This was the toughest battle yet...

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:03 #328068

  • ayidel
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Great job
Another difference between the two approaches seems to be the dependant if its an addiction
in which in that case chizuk and white knuckling to 90 won't really help rather a way has to be found how to get the body out of the rut and take away that grip that acting out has on us 
But on the other hand if it was just a case of curosity or giving in to the wills of the y"h then chizuk and really buckling down can have a major effect on the person
Last Edit: 11 Mar 2018 14:04 by ayidel.

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:08 #328069

  • lifebound
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ayidel wrote on 11 Mar 2018 14:03:
Great job
Another difference between the two approaches seems to be the dependant if its an addiction
in which in that case chizuk and white knuckling to 90 won't really help rather a way has to be found how to get the body out of the rut and take away that grip that acting out has on us 
But on the other hand if it was just a case of curosity or giving in to the wills of the y"h then chizuk and really buckling down can have a major effect on the person

I believe you are correct, this is why I had been preoccupied with whether I am an addict or not which kind of led to this whole discussion. Currently I think I'm somewhere in the middle. Addictive tendencies in some respects but not others. But I'm trying not to focus on that too much now and just see what works and what doesn't

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:13 #328071

  • ayidel
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While i'm in no position to tell you if you are an addict or not it seems to be one of the signs if 
you can't stop it by regular chizuk and a solid resolution not to do it if with all that you find yourself constantlly battling yourself i would check it out

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:28 #328074

  • lifebound
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Thank you, I appreciate your awareness that you can't tell me what I am. Others on here have been eager to say that I am or am not an addict, neither of which have been really helpful.

So far I've been able to stay clean from porn and masturbation by sheer willpower. Flip side to that is my concern that it feels like I'm holding my breath. So is the chizuk approach working so far? Maybe...kinda...not really... We'll see what happens I guess and adjust as needed. I just hate to be wasting time if I am indeed on the wrong (read: ineffective in the long term) path.

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:42 #328075

  • ayidel
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I wouldn't call it wasting time as every tip could come to use if not in an affirmative way at least in a way you will be able to help others by showing what won't work 
But even more important we have been sent here for perfection and bettering ourself and while the outside enviorment does not look that way as they honor results and not work we must remember that the work is the main part and be ready to give what it takes to become better so keep on trucking as they say here and you will get there but ceartinlly don't shy away from trying different ways

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 14:45 #328076

  • lifebound
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You're right of course. I just get impatient quickly. Yet another thing to work on...

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 15:12 #328077

  • Gevura Shebyesod
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As long as you’re trying you’re on the right path. If things aren’t working maybe you’re just in the slow and bumpy lane but you’re definitely headed in the right direction. Life bound!
!אנא עבדא דקודשא בריך הוא

וּבְיָדְךָ כֹּחַ וּגְבוּרָה וּבְיָדְךָ לְגַדֵּל וּלְחַזֵּק לַכֹּל

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through...



My story: guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/111583-hello-my-friends

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 15:24 #328079

  • lifebound
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Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 11 Mar 2018 15:12:
As long as you’re trying you’re on the right path. If things aren’t working maybe you’re just in the slow and bumpy lane but you’re definitely headed in the right direction. Life bound!

As long as you're nearby with your monster bus to give me a lift if needed

Re: My sorry state... 11 Mar 2018 18:47 #328105

  • Yerushalmi
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Just pulled an all-nighter here.
If I were to do that, that's an almost guaranteed way for me to fail. This is what I meant by a total commitment. I know that I need a decent night's sleep, and if I don't get it, my defenses are lowered tremendously. Part of my commitment to the fight, is to make certain to get the sleep that I need. 

Another thing, and in this I am repeating what others have already said here. If you stay clean, you won a fight. That is not a waste of time. That is another victory on your score card. Every time that you fight off the yetzer, you are becoming stronger. You are also a better person. Had you pulled an all-nighter 30 days ago, was there even a chance at all that you'd stay clean?  You are not the same person now as you were last month. Don't get despondent because you had a tough fight. Enjoy the feeling of a hard earned victory!

Re: My sorry state... 12 Mar 2018 02:42 #328129

  • i-man
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Well said jerusalemite - as we know the ultimate teshuvah is being in the same situation and not repeating the deed , that being said  LB you feel like your strugglling to breathe - branch out and try other tools - your kind of on a springboard -you got up higher than before  ,now swing higher  -theres more in reach 

Re: My sorry state... 13 Mar 2018 07:41 #328191

  • Singularity
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Yerushalmi wrote on 11 Mar 2018 18:47:
Just pulled an all-nighter here.
If I were to do that, that's an almost guaranteed way for me to fail. This is what I meant by a total commitment. I know that I need a decent night's sleep, and if I don't get it, my defenses are lowered tremendously. Part of my commitment to the fight, is to make certain to get the sleep that I need. 

Another thing, and in this I am repeating what others have already said here. If you stay clean, you won a fight. That is not a waste of time. That is another victory on your score card. Every time that you fight off the yetzer, you are becoming stronger. You are also a better person. Had you pulled an all-nighter 30 days ago, was there even a chance at all that you'd stay clean?  You are not the same person now as you were last month. Don't get despondent because you had a tough fight. Enjoy the feeling of a hard earned victory!

oh man if I could just get my wife to agree
"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?"
"... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

One day... At A Time :-D


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Re: My sorry state... 13 Mar 2018 14:02 #328200

  • ieeyc
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very well said yerushalmi! singularity, its nice if we could get the wife to see it that way but the main thing is that Hashem DOES see it that way and so should YOU!

לב  טהור   ברא   לי   אלקים , ורוח  נכון    חדש  בקרבי

  to all my friends who heeded my request  to be so generous and give me a negative karma  for the sake of me acquiring       
                                                . humility ,i humbly  thank you                                                                                                 

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