full disclosure. i dont expect anyone to read this. i dont expect anyone to understand this. i am a writer, i just need somewhere i can write.

Its been about 3 months since i started this journey. im in the same place i was when i created my account and wrote my intro piece. only thing that has changed is that im using a better computer to type this up. 78 days clean, then not so clean. then "Hey! lets get clean". then not so clean. lather, rinse, repeat. 

i come here and on my 90 day chart, i hit "i had a fall" and i get a popup of what caused my fall and what will i do to not fall again. well the first one is easy - i had a fall because i am driven towards something human. from day 1, sex was a driving factor in the world. look through the torah - every page you turn there is another reference. gemara is not any better. and here we are trying to fight against it like the idiots we are. trying to avoid it. failing to understand it. but what is the solution? have a free for all? thats not going to work. well, answering what caused the fail received a "?" the latter question is tougher. what will i do in the future to not fall. tzedaka - been there, done that. fasting - been there, done that. filters - been there, done that. be more outgoing - been there, done that. learning - been there, done that. therapy - been there, done that. that too received a nice big question mark. 

so what to do...

i thought - well maybe i should hold off shidduchim till i get this sorted out. then reality hit me that a big factor of this issue was that fact that im not married. and before all the "marriage wont solve this" people yell at me - my issue is NOT sex addiction. my issue is depression and anxiety stemming from a lack of interpersonal affection. ask my "(ex)-therapist". so to quote Einstein - only an idiot does the same thing and expects different results. maybe instead of thinking that i can beat this on sheer will power and motivation and support - maybe i should look beyond that and actually find the cure for the actual problem. 

and before all the "your wife wont be a continuous stream of love and affection" people start yelling at me - yes, i know marriage is not a walk in the park, but to quote a man much wiser than I - "Marriage cured a lot of my issues. however, I was faced with different issues". so no - all will not be cured, and marriage wont transfer me to a universe of gumdrops and lollipops, and i dont expect it to. i expect it to give me a responsibility to my wife and children, to love them and care for them. to be the best i can be, because i love them and want the best for them.

not here i am, writing my second topic this week - (i started this as a new topic because i was proud of my title and opening) trying to figure out how to survive this nightmare. has the time come to stop stalling and push full on ahead with marriage stuff? has the time come to get some strong strong medication? has the time come to roll up in a ball and just cry? has the time come [again] to make a bunch of kabalos that are just going to fail? has the time come to try to contain this ticking time bomb again until the stuff hits the fan again, and i find myself here again in the middle of the night typing out a diatribe against myself and my flaws [stay tuned]? 

to end off on a happy (bittersweet) note. i saw a poster a little while ago advertising a series of shoozen or something having to do with masturbation and stuff. across the top in big letters was "our rebbeim did it, our fathers do it, and we do it too" and that kinda got me thinking. having worked (hypocritically) with a whole bunch of teens - 20yr olds struggling with these issues, i noticed that along with some of the guys i reached out to, there was a lot of guys for whom masturbation was quite commonplace. not to toot my own horn (bad pun?) rabosai - we are blessed with having the self awareness and drive to come here to get help for our issues. we are blessed with having our nisayon so blatantly obvious. we are blessed with the ability to feel remorse and guilt over the destruction that we cause. i was always bitter (and still am to a certain extent) of why this bothers me so much when guys all around me are so comfortable with that action they are doing. why cant it not bother me the same? but then i recall what another man much wiser than i said - hashem isnt looking for people who start as 100s. hes looking for people who are 20s and want not to be 20s, whether they make it out of the 20 zone is irrelevant - its the fight that matters."

so i have an answer to what caused my fall - I caused my fall.
and i have an answer to what i will do to not fall again - keep fighting. anyways possible. mind, body and soul. and if i do end up here again, i'll have my answers still lined up - i did this, i own this lapse in judgement. and i will get up. i will fight it. and i will beat this - or run out the clock trying.  

You made it pretty clear you don't want marriage bespokers to yell at you

All right.

B'Sha'ah Tova

I like the last paragraph

I actually managed to read that, which I usually don't with long posts. Here are some short thoughts that I had while reading.  feel free not to read them.

- I like the last line.

- I have a happy marriage b'H but I can't say that it has solved any of my issues.

- you written that you've tried fasting, learning, tzedaka, and filters. Three out of the four rarely if ever are mentioned here on this shimras habits site, and the fourth one has a lot of caveats

- you said a few times that we shouldn't yell at you. I hope no one has and I'm sorry if they did. It sounds like you doing a bit of yelling at yourself. Hot coco, cholent, and the 'just having fun' forum have solved a lot of life's problems.

- does your username have any significance? It sounds interesting.

- your probably going to get annoyed that some anonymous guy is giving you advice. Sorry.

- I really shouldn't decide how you'll react to this post without knowing anything about you.

first of all - this whole "feel free not to read this" thing is mine (at least in this thread) - back off bro 

you written that you've tried fasting, learning, tzedaka, and filters. Three out of the four rarely if ever are mentioned here on this shimras habits site, and the fourth one has a lot of caveats"
^not quite sure what that mean...

my user name has absolutely no significance. it was a alphanumeric sequence that was relevant to something i was doing at some point and it was obscure enough to use for something as anonymous as this. at the time i was making my account, i had bigger problems to worry about than coming up with a clever or cure username. 

and the whole yelling thing goes back to people always calling me out as a kofer, apikores, addict, lost cause, etc etc etc (good times) without actually stopping to listen to my radically non-yeshivish but highly orthodox and intellectual philosophy. so youll forgive me for not caring about peoples' yells.

furthermore - in response to your quasi-yell of marriage didnt solve my problems - i know marriage is not some magic event that will suddenly cast me into a world of unicorns and cotton candy - but marriage does change the playing field- drastically. mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and any only "ally" you can think of. my point is im not surviving in this current arena and need a change of scenario. not to transform my world into a perfect one, but to transform my world in to one where I have a better chance of perfecting myself. 

and thank you for your input. no - really. random people giving me advice is what got me this far in life... well bad example... but thanks none the less.

What I meant by caveats,  (and iI'm not sure if I spelled it correctly) Is that most people here have not found that fasting, etc have worked in a noticeable way. Filters do, But they are far from the final answer. So when you wrote that you don't know what to try next since you already tried fasting, learning etc, I was just pointing out that there are a whole nother set of ideas here. But you probably knew that already.

Ngc51853 the only thing that I could come up with is, Nuchem Gedalia Cohen date of birth 5/18/53 that would make you 64 in 10 days from now.   Cool!

Radically non-yeshivish highly orthodox intelligent psychology and a whole lot worse have all been written on this forum, so feel free to join in. If anyone yells at you, you can always just lower their karma. Oh right! You can't do that anymore.

And if I may advance the marriage point one more, (btw, I'm not telling you not to get married. I did and so did the Donald. If we could, anyone can). Marriage may indeed change the playing field. But it's not a matter of a change of scenery or Mishana mokem mishana mazel. May've think of it like a computer game. There is the lower level that is a little easier, bit you might not get as many points, and then there's the hard leval there you can get out way easier. The only difference is, that there's no 'start over' button.

And I meant that I said wrote. This site is all about honesty. We try to be completely honest with ourselves and with others. When we do, we sometimes sound non-conventional. Don't worry about what people might think. That's why it's anonymous (although, many people do end up  meeting in real life). We'll love you anyways.

Welcome.

I agree that marriage is part of the answer.

If one is single, there is nothing sexual one can do which is halachically permitted.

If one is married at least one can steer one's sexual needs in a halachic direction.

ColinColin wrote on 04 Apr 2017 05:10:

for better or for worse.

But be aware that it can be for worse

Colin, as NG wrote above, almost all men in this world have an inclination towards sexual behavior. Perhaps marriage can help them channel it in a healthy way.  most people who come to gye however, have more then a healthy sex drive. For whatever reason, we have abused that drive by either obsessive mast****, viewing p**n, acting out with others, etc. Once we have that obsession, we can't simply use marriage to give us a healthy outlet. We already crave an unhealthy outlet, and we will want out spouses to feed that unhealthy habit. Some people express that to their spouses, some suppress it, but no one fulfills it (unless you found your shidduch from a p**n site and are paying her a lot of money)

stillgoing wrote on 04 Apr 2017 12:16:

Hell of a post (except for those silly asterisks)!

cordnoy wrote on 04 Apr 2017 12:26:

What now?