Hi.

Back in Israel. Trying to get back into things. Hopefully things will be going in the ‘right direction’, but as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I don’t know if I’m in a good place regarding acting out. If it’s ok, I wanted to elaborate on this and see what you guys think.

K. So, I haven’t been this clean since my divorce. The last time I acted out was around 20 weeks ago. That’s very nice and all, but I guess my question is if time even means anything. I mean, besides for the fact that I’ve gone longer then this and have fallen, others have gone much longer and have fallen as well- only to muse afterwards whether they were even doing anything all along. I have been spending a lot of time trying to approach this in a healthy way, but is there a way to see if it’s working? I’ll add that these questions are always at least on the back of my mind, and obviously stronger when things are tough.

Don’t get me wrong. This unease is mixed with confidence. Although sometimes I feel that this ‘clean time’ of mine is a joke, sometimes I feel that it is an incredible feat. Sometimes I feel nervous that what I’m doing will not work out, but sometimes it seems that it will. I would say that this satisfaction of what I have done sort of satisfies some role of encouragement. Like, I can tell myself, “look, you’ve come this far, you can do it”, or something like that. The confidence comes, in part, because of my desire to have some normalcy in my life. How can I go about my day with a dark cloud of the possibility of acting out? I can’t act out, because I honestly feel that if I do fall I will not get up again. It will be game over as far as where I would like to get to in life.

To me, both these uncertainties and complacencies fly in the face of ‘taking things one day at a time’, which I have come to believe is good for me. And yes, I have been trying to focus more on what I am supposed to be doing each day over wondering what the value of ‘clean time’ is or whether what I am doing is productive. But I wonder if these are not valid questions, nonetheless. I also have been trying to not to be distracted by my desire for encouragement and normalcy, constantly bringing my attention back to what I believe I am supposed to be doing to heal. But this is hard when the thoughts don’t seem too irrational to me.

While I’m at it, I’ll add that my mind wonders to the future in other ways as well. Like, despite my constant reminder to myself to take things one step at a time, when things are smooth and my ego kicks in, I keep visualizing (fantasizing?) completing another week, six months, a year, etc., and when things are rough and I get nervous, I use the future as a sort of desperate motivation (ex., just a couple of days and it’ll be 15 weeks). I don’t think these thoughts are productive; they are counterproductive. But they come nonetheless.

I have read on the forum what it means to take things ‘one day at a time’, which I found to be helpful. But I feel that I need a refresher, and I think it would be nice to hear directly from others what they think instead of getting back into it alone. Does anyone else have these tendencies? What do you think about them?  

Perhaps the above can be taken as a sign that I have forgotten the basic concept of ODAAT. If anyone has input or has a good thread about ODAAT up their sleeve (Mark? You’ve got big sleeves) that would be great.

Thanks,

Shmira

Good stuff!
Clear (although you have questions).
So do i.
Read my last post.
One day a time is good; so are goals; short term and long term.
Streaks create confidence, but they also promote complacency.
Life is a struggle.
Sometimes we use proper tools to overcome; sometimes we use anythin' - and at times, we use our old ways of escape.

Onward!

What worked for me was one day at a time with little goals in the back of my mind. Now it would be - clean until lag b'omer, then until shavuos...... but mainly one day at a time. But you should do whatever works for you.

i think odaat has many levels
but it's not just about only focusing on one day 
rather surrendering everything but right now it's really about connecting to the source of life witch is beyond time 

cordnoy wrote on 27 Apr 2018 14:46:

In a response to someone who was blamin' God, I wrote:

I'm sorry you feel that way.

I try to remain in the background, but I must say a few things (some may be unpopular).

My life (of well over four decades) - I was surrounded by sickness, death, hospitals, disease, pain, therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, jail, anguish, danger, and more, and by this I am includin' parents and grandparents (young ones), spouse, children, siblings, teachers and students, and I am not referrin' to flus, chicken pox and speedin' tickets.

And yes, all of my wonderful life I chose to ignore this and escape by the only means I knew how, and that was thru the wonderful world of lust, and boy was I good at that. 

And when I began to recover, I would recoil when people spoke about God and higher power and stuff like that, for I had no idea who they were referencin'. Mind you, I am a shomer torah umitzvos par excellence. It's not that I didn't believe in God; I just didn't know Him. And I still don't. I struggle with good and bad and Hashem's will and evil, but I block that all out, for the most part. 

I made the lousy decisions, and I needed to fix them. I went to therapists and specialists and sponsors and meetings. It was my resolve that I messed up and I need to climb outta it. Was there Divine help? I have no idea, nor do I care. Do I feel more of a connection now that I'm sober for over three years? At times.

But if I choose to think too much, I could get very angry, so therefore, I don't.

Recovery is too precious. I am finally livin' a life, although there is so much pain around me. The pain stinks and sucks, but I need to live, and that is only thru sobriety.

God speed to all.

yesterday evenin' sucked.
[The night felt good (sleepin' on da couch).]
Mornin' ain't much better.
In the distant past, I'd have my soothin' outlets.
In the recent past, I'd at least entertain it.
I should have worked some of my tools.
Instead, I just basically shut my mouth, breathed deep, watched sports and fell asleep with a sefer.
Sadly, I feel sad that I didn't even entertain an alternative (unhealthy) option; I know that part of me is still there, but it didn't rear its head. Oh well.

Onward.

Thanks Cornoy

Was this the post that you were referring to? If yes, were you talking about the part about thinking too much? That you have questions as well? Or maybe something else?

Also, I didn’t have time to ask you last week if this feedback was geared specifically to the other Shmira. I guess that would be good to know.

Is there another Shmira who has been posting recently? I haven’t seen him but if he’s here and still posting I guess I’ll have to change my name. Someone called me that a while ago and I liked it so just went with it. ShmirasHachaim is too long. If anyone has any ideas of a new name, please let me know 

Wanted to ask this earlier but working with a broken computer over here…

Thanks HHM and tzomah for the feedback. Means a lot. Gives me what to think about.

I guess that’s kind of what I have been doing until now HHM. Just wasn’t sure if it is something that would be viable for me in the long run.

Wow. Deep stuff tzomah. Talking about levels.

Again, if anyone has a thread, article, or speech to throw my way would greatly appreciate it.

Little random, but I'm curious if anyone has what to say on the following sentence that I just read. I don't remember the last time being puzzled like this. It wasn't the main topic rather it was said in passing, so no elaboration was offered. 
It said:
"Thinking of yourself as responsible for negative events actually gives you the illusion that you're in control"

Any thoughts? 

shmirashachaim wrote on 17 May 2018 12:36:

Thanks for that. That is so true. I have been tellin' that to my wife lately several times....to no avail, I must add.

Ha. At least I got one who sees truth in this statement...
The rest of us (including his wife)? In the dark with no flashlights. 

shmirashachaim wrote on 17 May 2018 12:50:

Thank you again. I will be expoundin' on this on the call today. If I have time, will do here as well. Bottom line, one cannot have it both ways. People think that God is in control of the future and we controlled the past.

We don’t control either the past or the future, but there are consequences to our actions. 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 17 May 2018 14:59:

Correct.

So, when we made a bad decision or committed a wrong, and that seemingly had a negative affect on somethin' else, did we cause that? Are we a failure for that?

cordnoy wrote on 17 May 2018 15:27:

The exact nature of the consequences, and when and how they will play out, is not in our control. So we can't look at a particular event and attribute it to our actions (or someone else's). But we must be aware that somehow, some way, our choices have an effect on what happens in the world (both of them).

cordnoy wrote on 17 May 2018 14:01:

Just saw this now. Thanks. 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 17 May 2018 16:55:

Thanks, although a hard concept to understand.