16/8. Today is a big day. My longest streak was 8 days. Today is day 8 #2.

waydown wrote:


Great!

Keep in mind though that all "today's" are big days; and as a matter of fact, there ain't no bigger day than "today"!

b'hatzlachah in livin' today.

17/9!!!!!!!!!! Yippy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

18/10

19/11.

Friday was a tough one and its still crazly on my mindf. I had to be somewhere local and a very cute good looking boyfriend , girlfriend were acting the way many of that nature act. They were doing all kinds of stuff in public in my face. Yes I tried the powerless thing. It didn't help. At the end of the day my mind is fantasizing about it. I am still struggling over it. Sorry Serneity I know you never "struggle" You say the magic world powerless and everything runs away. But it doesn't seem to be as simple as that. I hope I don't act out tonite. Gotto run to selichos now. Hopefully that will give me the push to behave!

waydown wrote:


Verbalize the surrender durin' selichos.

b'hatzlachah

waydown wrote:

They were behaving badly in front of you. But what did you do so that it would stop being in front of you?

I know no one beats this drum harder than Alex Eliezer, and he is right. You can't expect to take in lustful images and be ok afterwards.

Shemirat eynayim means we don't "take in the sights" with glee and then say after, "well what can I do I wasn't looking for it, it found me". I know for me that when I get that attitude I am already far gone, and I need to have a serious talk with Hashem to get myself on track again.

MBJ its wasn't an internet thing where I had a choice to move away and not click on it. I had to be there. What am I suppose to do? Of course I didn't wnat to "take in the sights". Yes technically I should have not looked and certainlly should have tried swithcing seats. But thats very hard. Try dangling a bottle in front of an alchohlic and telling them don't look.

waydown wrote:


We always have a choice....As difficult as it may be....realizin' that for us....it is the kiss of death.

waydown wrote:

Don't fool yourself there is nothing to gain by it. Think on it really critically, there is absolutely nothing you could have done to not look? Of course it is hard, I ALWAYS want to look and look and then look some more. Really drink it in to the point that I can get drunk on it and lose myself in the sight I am obsessing over. Ah, I think it feels so good. But it is a lie. A big fat cheating soul sucking lie. I know that. I know that the feeling I get is not bliss and oblivion just more hunger. The more I try to fill that hunger with that sight the more desperate and panicky I become because it is just a lie. Sorry got carried away there.

Anyway, the point is that is the work. To find the tools that let you walk away. To close your eyes. To turn your head. To say G-d I know this is not for me. I trust You and I love You, therefore I know I can do without it.
There was one post by a guy who used to post here about how he switched cabs 3 times in Jerusalem because the first 3 had triggering things in them. Perhaps that is extrerme, bit sobriety is that important.

well thanks all for your advice. Unfortuantley after twisting an turning and waking up 3 times I did fall last nite and was M"Z. The itch was so strong that all it took to act out was 3 seconds. I am not kidding it went very quickly. I had three things going against me.
1) Motzai shabbos is always the hardest for some reason. The itch come sout the strongest then. 2) The firday incident wieghed very heavily on my mind. 3) I twisted and turned 3 times.

A couple of note to my friends,

Big Mosh, no I am not sad or depressed or disappointed. No sorry I am powerless. I think even with surrendering to hashem he will get you from time to time. So I will just puick up the pieces and work on my prior success.

Cordnoy, I tried your powerless advice both during selichos and while lying in bed. It helped the first two times but not the 3rd. Sorry its not foolproof.

Serenty, Yes I do want to change. I have no interest in this unwanted lust. I have cometemplted many times to take piles that kill the lust and itch. Sorry man I have no other way to call it but a "struggle". I am glad that this "powerless" tool helped like magic for you with no hard work. It was as simple as surrenderig and feeling powerless for you. But for most of us, I think you still need a combination.` Realize that we can't win any fights but that doesn't mean don't try and leave the rest for higher power. And some times nothing will help. So yes it tough and a struggle.

More generally, as I have posted before this is harder than an alchohl addiction. Nobody dabbles alchohl in our face every day and every where we go. Sex on the other hand is prevealant all over.

waydown wrote:


I never said it was.
Like AE always says, it is a process and one that we need to consistently repeat.

Your attitude is good; keep it up.

b'hatzlachah

Starting the count again! Up to Day 2. I know we are suppose to take it one day at a time. But I can't stop thinikng that it would be nice to stay clean till after yom kippur. Yes it should be a lust thing not a jewish issue but I can't totally disconnect the two as its all one DNA.

Not a good nite last nite. Normally I blame it on that out of control itch that just comes from my hormones. Yesterday I did some border line stuff (not mamesh porn of flitring) that trigger those hormones. Thus, I am double to blame. My work starts with my day time actvities too. I can't expect t0 be clean at nite if I am not clean during the day.

That being said I still want to build on the past successes while moving forward. Bottom line is, from a ruchnayous/ kedusha stand this ellul has been my best one in 18 yrs. It would be a shame to spoil it and go downhill as we get closer up to yom hadin. Now from a physical gashmias standpoint. Yes the nites are much tougher because I still have lingering problems falling asleep. However, my body (at-least some nites) is begining to get used to the dea of falling asleep without my lust. Whats more is my day time structure. As long as i was obssesed with lust and feeding my lust my concentartion level was down. i also felt more tired. Once I gave up feeding that lust its has improved drastically. Of course every now and then I get that lust attack where my body says give me lust and I have to say no not now. But its very different than what I used to do. Prior to seriously joining GYE it was ok work a little, feed the lust, work a little feed the lust etc.. When you take large coffee breaks to feed your lust, you can't work or concentrate like a mentch. You are always rushing your work to get back to Mr. lust ymach shimo. And I am at a crucial time in my job where concentration is a must especially woth limited work days (due to yomim tovim coming up).

So I don't want to go back to my old ways. Whether I call it a struggle or powerless either way the point is I can't revert backwards. I must do what it takes to move forward. (Yes forward thinikng is the latest corporate buzz word! yawn!!!! LOL! But its a nice attribute)

3 days free