This is all old stuff on GYE but new and confusing for me.
I went on three day vacation with my wife. We went places that are not particularly bad but of course for me there is no such thing. Non Jewish women dressed like non Jewish women on vacation... It was much better then last year. This year B'H i was not MZ'L. I didnt even stare as I used to (discreetly of course). But I took plenty of second looks. And found myself fantasizing a lot even about things I thought I forgot about. And trying to make huge demands on my wife ( she didnt go for it which made me upset blah blah blah selfish thing that I am).
So did I fall? Where do I go from here? How do I pick myself up and keep climbing? Is my whole recovery so far just a sham? I think I know what some of you will write but it sure would be good for me to hear it anyways. Cause I sorta feel like a story I was once told by a Rebbi who lived near me. He had a down syndrome daughter who after being fed on tisha b'av looked up and said sweetly "now back to fasting". After I laughed he said that's what we do every summer right before elul then say on rosh chodesh now back to yideshkeit!
Also im trying so far to work this addiction with just the GYE guide and not doing any 12 steps learning. Is that very silly of me?

Welcome back,

Can you remind us please what's goin' on?
There are many paths to recovery.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks cordnoy for caring.
Im high 20s and been addicted since about 10. I had nothing stopping me from looking at pornography and being MZ'L until I found GYE about 4 months ago. It was a fix I needed prob as bad as any drug addict needs his though I cant be sure. I didn't realize how bad my marriage is (or rather how selfish I am. Funny thing is I used to think I was a giving husband by helping out a lot around the house, although I did expect a return in a the form of a particular form of love.) Now having gone through the GYE handbook I can control the taavah to look at porn even when sitting in front of an unfiltered computer and no one around. I havent been MZ'L since I started my 90 day journey about 110 days ago. Generally I can even control my thoughts, though I had a big slip there. Most of the tools I used were the ones that taught just how to relate to shmutz( what kinda poison it is and I dont want or need it, not giving in to the urge and hurting is perfectly fine as not all mitzvos make you feel good). However never really worked the 12 steps as logistically it would have been hard for me.

Now I am not really sure im doing the right thing or going about this the right way or even really in recovery. For a while it even seemed to easy( after the first 50 days). Would love to hear advice and peoples thoughts on where to go . Thanks to all.

So, consider this past few episodes a bump or pothole in the road, and go back and continue what you were doin'.
Why all the fuss?

b'hatzlachah

You're good. Move on!

Don't overthink this unless there is more than you are saying. Many of us here like perfection - That's what gets us in trouble in the first place needing an outlet. Perfection is not in this world and its pretty stressful trying to be perfect. Ride along and do the very best you can. Celebrate success. 110 days. THATS AMAZING.

Your doing really well and you should be proud of your accomplishment.

Hashem wants you to progress. Your doing just that.

Perfect? who is?

Keep truckin' and keep smilin'

yiraishamaim wrote:


That's what friends are for.....

cordnoy wrote:

I guess my question really was is there such a thing as real recovery for a real addict without AA or SA. I think I once read from Rabbi Dr Twerski that there isn't. I dont wanna end up like the guy from the big book of AA who abstained for all his working years thinking he was sober then died 2 years after retirement from alcoholism. I am hoping I am in real recovery, not just a temporary (though rather long) break.

Some advice from a guy who's still far from recovery (for what it's worth):
Don't worry.
Just do.

Hi Jake!

Congrats on your 111 sober days. I relate to your concerns. I as well am B"H at 168 sober days. However it is coming more clear to me day by day that I am far from recovery. The insecurity of the thought of falling again at anytime (although in terms of sobriety i don't see that happening in the near future) fears me to my depth. I cannot make peace with this. The fear of failure again is worrying me very much. More and more I realize that i need much work to do, in order to reach real recovery.

What I am doing now? I am continuing with what i have done from the beginning of my 90 days. But I am also considering to move ahead to work on recovery. As I realize how much damage this has done to me and my wife in many ways, it is very painful to know that i am s sick person.

Hatzlacha

lomed wrote:


Perhaps the most basic and fundamental idea in recovery is our understanding that Hashem is really in charge, we are subservient to him, we give ourselves over to him and we trust that he will indeed be there to help us.
That being the case you should be less anxious than ever that you will fall. Just work the program and G-d takes over. In other words "Let GO and Let G-d"
I heard an alcohlic who is clean for many years once speak and he explained on how he craved alcohol. He was so graphic that I who do not have this particular vice could have started to crave it with the passion he described.
I asked him if he ever drank an alcoholic beverage by mistake and how that may have triggered him. he told me it happened and he was not triggered AT ALL!
George Bush a recovering alcoholic did not take a single drink even though he was hardly president when the tragedy of 9/11 occurred.
My friend continue to grow in your sobriety and healthy living. Trust in the one that has carried you for 168 continuous glorious days of sweet sobriety, that he indeed will continue to carry you.
You will then be able to handle any and all triggers that may come your way.

Too much thinking is usually not a productive thing.

Jake08, I read more than I post because I don't have a lot of experience here but I would like to throw in my 2 cents.
I joined GYE 31 day ago, and have a clean streak of 31 days (although I had a slip in the middle, it wasn't a fall BH). After reading different accounts of other GYE members I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if I'm an "addict" or not, and therefore what do I need to do about it.

As of now, my opinion is that it's irrelevant. It doesn't make sense to pigeonhole every GYE'er into 2 categories - either you are an addict or you are a regular rosho (sorry, I meant a regular guy who is now working more on taavah than he used to ).
There are some people here who are addicted to the nth degree (one famous GYE'er wrote that he knows he cannot manage 90 days but he now 11.58 years clean - most of you can guess who that is), these guys need the full works of 12 steps conferences, SA meetings, therapy etc.

Others might possibly be classified as an addict depending on which scientific set of rules you are using for the diagnosis but are managing well on a lower dose of "medicine". Everyone has their own unique background, issues etc. (peshat in R' Yehuda Hachosid's ulkarban akriv lo es nafshi hayechidah).

I don;t know anything about you but taking a guess that if you've been clean for 110 days, I'd say you may be like me closer to the second side of the spectrum, which means that you can't relax your vigilance, and maybe you still have more work to do to discover why you've been doing what you've been doing and how to deal with that root cause, but you're on the right path.

IMHO