I apologize for the previous post. I realize it may have been upsetting to many people. let me properly rephrase it in the way i really meant:

I enjoy the physical pleasure of my actions but i know it is ruining me further spiritually. I used to be very spiritual (still try to be) and i have had a major fall in the past few years. I am not so totally otd, I keep kosher, I wear a kippa, I still daven (sometimes) and I do believe in HASHEM. I used to be very into kiruv and changed (at least one) lives totally around. I was involved in NCSY, came back from a weekend with them, went to school on monday still wearing my kippa and that afternoon I bought tzitzis. And I just learned from there. I ended up going to a Chabad yeshiva in Israel and became stronger, more dveykus in my spirituality. I had very bad depression a long time ago and went to my best friend. I was feeling more mainstream then. I dont remember the exact events, only some. I believe he put something in my warm milk and tea he gave me and did things to me. some felt good, some didnt, but all was non-consensual. that was my first experience and while i am emotionally and physically attracted to women i have a hard time sexually. so i dropped it and acted out my urges with men. anyway, what i meant to say (but i was using a public computer and didnt have so much time) was I want to get back to that high level of spirituality and although the activities are physically pleasurable and i do want more of them, I know that it is an addiction that I should break away from. I've tried deleting all the inappropriate movies before, only to build it up again. I don't know who exactly to talk to about it as it is slightly embarrassing and I have had good reactions when I've tried to discuss the issue. So my post really meant to say, I like it in the moment but I realize it is destroying me, how can I help this. I do feel like i dont really have any control over what I do and do have a large collection of p****, featuring women and men. That is really the issue and I apologize sincerely that I lead everyone to believe otherwise and posted that upsetting and extremely inappropriate message when I look back on it on my private home computer. So, how do I get support for SSA addiction.? do I have any peers here, as I don't have 200 bucks for a specialist. I already see a therapist for the rest of my neuroses. She's a Jewish but non-frum woman and I am slightly uncomfortable talking about it because she doesnt understand the spiritual aspect. I hope I made myself more clear and coherent and again, I do apologize for being extremely insensitive and inappropriate and upsetting. I'm hoping you can forgive me, as I was short on time and not thinking straight enough to try and express my feelings.

Us guys have tough skins. We're all insane so we get you. I don't believe New Action (who replied to you) was offended or angry - he was just giving it to you as it is, telling you what he thought you needed to hear.
When we're off the tracks we need someone to set us straight, sometimes it's with a warm word ("mishantecha"), sometimes with a tough one ("shivtecha").
That's part of the benefit of SA groups am this forum in particular.
(Btw it's a shame I start a new thread, as people will get confused and lose track; decide which of the threads you're gonna use and stick with it. Maybe someone can suggest if here's a redirect or anything possible.)

i'll use whatever thread gets more replies. i just wanted to clarify. i once had a very bad reaction when i tried to discuss my problem.

No apologizes need.

You are in an emotional turmoil. The fact you reacted the way you did and put up a new thread says two things.
One, you are a good and sensitive person. Two, that you really grasp the truth and the beauty of authentic yiddishkeit.
GYE has a therapist they recommend specifically for these issues. Why not check that out?

Thanks. I already see someone for all my other neuroses as I think I stated before. I brought this subject up to her tonight because it has been bothering me. surprisingly, she was very receptive and fairly knowledgeable about the spiritual aspect

Wow, thanks for your honesty and show of concern for others. You're not alone and you're not unique. If you want help and are willing to see if SA is for you, I will put you in touch with someone that is SSA who isn't frum and has chosen to live as a straight man. I'm not saying that you're an addict, but maybe talking to him will help.

I was thinking today, usually not a good idea as I've often reminded myself, what is the advantage of someone being SSA in recovery, sobriety and in life over an OSA lust addict like me who has major intimacy issues? Here is my hypothesis. An addict who is SSA and chooses to live a straight life will not have lust get in the way of expressing a loving, intimate, caring and giving relationship with a woman. I'm presuming he is not acting out on his lust for men and is working on a caring, giving relationship with a woman he may eventually marry or is married to. He's not lusting after her, so any intimacy would be based solely on the desire to be giving, loving and caring. The SA White Book talks about a person's wife being the last vestige of lust for some addicts and the only answer is to surrender that lust. That's not an easy task. The White Book also talks about, for this reason, how it's not necessarily an advantage to be married in recovery as some single men may think. Personally I relate to that a lot. Separation from my wife can and often does make my abstinence easier.

Make any sense?

(When I say what is the advantage, I'm thinking if Hashem made someone SSA I think it has to be more than a test. There has to be a reason for it in and of itself. Something good that can only come from being that way, that no matter how difficult, that has to be miSakein in the person. Anyway that's my gut feeling.)

Welcome! Relax. Many people here have similar experiences and issues. I'm glad you were able to be open and honest with your therapist. It's the only way to make progress. Keep posting!

seichel wrote:


No need to apologize;bottom line you came to this site because you are NOT comfortable with your lifestyle and you honestly want to improve it.In that case you will find what you are looking for and all the support you need over here. Wishing you success in your recovery.

seichel- i am sure you are reading the posts on this your personal thread.

I ask you - Is there any where else in the world where you will find this kind of support and understanding?

My friend - WELCOME HOME

Hi there,
as my experience is very tiny I don't have any advices, just wanted you to know that I'm part of the support here !

Wishing all the best for you and waiting for good news B"H !

Palti

Don't underestimate yourself

Don't you think you have gained much over the time you have spent on the forum. Are you not SIGNIFICANTLY wiser in your journey.

You've got plenty to give over.

Thank you. I would very much like to try sa. Provided the set time does not conflict with my already hectic schedule. Thank you very much and gut voch. I'm in Brooklyn btw

No matter how hectic my schedule, I always had time to act out. Now I always make time for recovery and because of that I have plenty of time for the rest of my stuff and it isn't so hectic anymore.

I acted out mainly on Shabbos another thing I'm not so proud of. My weekday schedule is very hectic between jobs and dr appointments. On Wednesday I don't get home till 9. Yes you have an amazing point but I only acted out when I knew I had nothing else to do -- Shabbos. My Drs first suggestion was that instead of acting up. Watch a video. That way I'm not in physical danger and I have a varicose vein of some sort in my scrotum. The dr said the only real way to stop it from interrupting work is periodic "maintaiance." So yeah my weekday schedule is actually pretty hectic. I don't have a moral problem watching a visual aide and I just want to stop acting on my urges. I've accepted that I'm ssa and I can't help that. I don't believe in reparative therapy just want to limit my urges to just videos for now at least. So I am interested in Sa to curb the actual sex as short term. If it curbs lust awesome but that would just be a bonus. I feel a little guilty being ssa but I know I can't do anything to change my psychological makeup

You show an interest in meetings. Great. Brooklyn must have plenty.

Your interest and pro activeness for sobriety is impressive.

These good decisions are bound to help you - big time

Please keep us informed