I don't know what the standard is. I can ask my sponsor. I know that people in AA who aren't married or already in a relationship are suggested to go a year without entering into a new relationship. This is a time to focus on recovery not on relationships. In SA even married couples will often abstain from relations for the first six months of sobriety. Even after long periods of sobriety, it isn't unusual for couples to separate for a few months if the addicted spouse needs that. I could probably benefit from a period of separation, but I've done so much damage to my marriage already I don't think that would be fair to my wife. If my sponsor didn't agree, I would follow his advice though. At a minimum I don't initiate, It's only when she wants it. Looking back at my life, I would make good and sure I was well on my way to recovery before I started thinking about marriage. Maybe you should consider revisiting the question after 90 of complete sobriety and progressive growth. Is there really a point to discussing it now?

I would say that if someone with less than a year decides to get married, he would be wise to disclose his habit to his future wife. I'd like to see that one on a shidduch date . Ehh Rachel, we've been on two dates and In really think this could work. I just need to tell you one thing, I spend 3 hours a day looking at P. Don't worry because I have 17 days clean.

I was fortunate that my wife knew from before. That's probably why she stuck with me.

www.recoveryranch.com/articles/early-recovery/when-are-recovering-sex-addicts-ready-for-relationships/

"Sex addiction, at base, is an intimacy disorder. And “intimacy,” according to Linda Hatch, Ph.D., sex addiction expert and therapist, “is the ability to be real with another person.” This might seem like a simple thing, but any addict, not just those who experience sexual compulsion, is a person who struggles with being real, (i.e., honest, available and truly vulnerable) with another person. According to Hatch, these intimacy disorders develop in addicts as a result of “early experiences in their [families] of origin that failed to produce a secure attachment to their caregivers. These may take the form of neglect, abuse, abandonment or the absence of an appropriately nurturing caregiver.” Addictive behaviors show up, sometimes early in life, according to Hatch, as a coping strategy in the form of self-medication to emotional pain. Sex addiction, in particular, creates a sense of excitement and pleasure, while simultaneously ensuring emotional distance and avoidance of true connection—the kind of intimacy that can leave one open to being hurt.


Putting in the Work in Sex Addiction Recovery

The process of recovery for sex addicts involves identifying those behaviors—such as obsessive masturbation, pornography use, anonymous sex, exhibitionism, etc.—that take you out of yourself and away from those around you, acknowledging the behaviors as a problem and finding sobriety by eliminating those behaviors before they show up. But it’s much more than that. Recovery is also very much about recognizing that much of who we’ve presented ourselves to be to others, and many of the ways we’ve chosen to do it, have been based on dishonesty. It is in learning how to have real closeness with others—authentic intimacy—that we begin to heal. To do that, we’ll need to spend a bit of time understanding the early wounds that created our intimacy disordered behavior (addictions).

So sex addiction recovery is about far more than one-day-at-a-time abstinence; it’s real work we do on who we are, how we were formed and how we communicate with others. When the work has begun in earnest, and after real time has been put in, only then can healthy relationships stand a chance of developing for addicts.

Readiness Indicators for Relationship in Recovery

Through the process of recovery, addicts begin developing greater self-awareness, deeper empathy and understanding for themselves and others, greater honesty and integrity and a desire to be accountable. They begin healing their intimacy disorder by coming to understand their own worthiness—a sense of self-worth and confidence that allows them to risk feeling vulnerable with others, the key to true intimacy and communication. They develop the ability to share their truths, including feelings of pain, sadness or ambiguity. And they learn that a relationship is something to value but not something they need to survive or to feel good about themselves.

A recovering addict who has accomplished these things and desires a healthy relationship may consider some factors for further readiness. Consider the following checklist:

Is in active, engaged recovery and maintains a support group of friends, recovery partner(s) and sponsor
Has grown more aware of his or her feelings and is able and willing to talk about them to others
Has learned how to reach out to others when difficult feelings or cravings emerge, or when issues arise in close relationships
Has acknowledged any co-occurring or crossover addictions and is working on them in recovery
Has acknowledged any co-occurring mental illnesses that may be present and has sought help. If medications have been prescribed, manages their use safely and consistently and attends doctor and therapy appointments regularly
Has been screened for STIs and treated when necessary. Is willing to be forthright about STI history and willing to speak openly about a potential partner’s STI history before sex
Desires a relationship not out of need or desperation, but as a reasoned decision to add value to his or her life
As the SLAA 12 Promises state: “Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision, rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.” The nature of relationships is frequently emotional, however, and there will be ups and downs. Active recovery provides the tools to help addicts navigate those waves, and offers the gift of continuing support and insight so that finally, emotional intimacy—the heart of real relationship—is not something to fear, but something to embrace."
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AlcolholRehab.com:

adapted by yours truly

"The Importance of Avoiding Romantic Relationships in Early Recovery
It is recommended that people who are still within the first year of their recovery should avoid beginning romantic relationships. This is because their priority needs to be staying sober. The first few months of recovery are often described as an emotional rollercoaster because there is so much going on. The last thing that an individual will want to do will be to add the stress of a new relationship to the mix. It is going to take all their attention to make it through this early part of recovery.

Another reason for why people are advised to avoid relationships in the first year is that they need to get to know themselves better before they choose a partner. Those individuals who get sober and rush into a relationship tend to make terrible choices. They may try to use romance and marriage as a replacement for lust, P and M. All they are really doing is substituting one dependency with another. Until the individual has managed to build a strong recovery, they will be vulnerable in a new relationship."

We are looking for something to complete us. That is the problem for many of us. We don't look in a healthy way. Yes a wife can complete us, but only when we are ready to complete her and we are doing to with a sound foundation. Zero plus a half is still zero. Our wife isn't both halves.

dear bachur, what i say now is only my opinion.
i have been in a 12 step program for a few years. it IS suggested that for the first year one avoid relationships and especially in this area that one has some solid sobriety. that being said there are no hard and fast rules. this is something that i very strongly believe to be a very individual thing. i have seen people with over a year who are still struggling and i have seen people with less than a year doing amazing. it really depends on the individual and their outlook towards themselves and relationships not just how long its been since they've touched themselves

I don't know what you asked him, but that is fine.

just repeatin': we are the worst at diagnosin' our own problem and remedy.

b'hatzlachah