I am a Noahide, and have been so for around five years (I am 21), formerly a christian, but I hope you can still help me. I know quite a bit of Judaism and Jewish thought (your religion is more interesting than western media gives it credit for!), but nothing really of kabbalah or mysticism etc., so you may need to explain some of the more advanced things for me. Still, I turn to you for help, because this seems like a good, supportive community, not preachy like some christian communities (though not all are; I just don't believe in Jesus, so they can't really help me).

I always thought I would never fall headfirst into the trap of filth that proliferates on the web. I confess that the curiosity occasionally got the better of me, but I repudiated that nonsense, and never succumbed to the urge to pleasure myself. Indeed, I mocked those who did, perhaps not understanding that many who do do not want to, and are ashamed of it. So for many years, I never deliberately looked at such foul images.

However recently, I have been brought very low, and have only myself to blame. I found myself looking at indecent images, though never pleasuring myself. I was so ashamed that I swore by G-d that I would not give in to my lust. And yet, I failed, and not long ago (i.e. today), I looked at the most horrendous images (doubtless tame by that standards of hardcore pornography, but I am sure that any indecent image is a thoroughly wrong thing.) But I am most embarassed to say that, while I did not take pleasure 'into my own hands', if you will excuse the euphemism, yet I could not stop my self from 'spilling' into my boxers. That I can do such without any manual stimulation does seriously frighten me, because if I can do this with my own mind, I worry about how much self-control I really have. I apologise if this is too graphic for any readers, but I cannot think how to euphemise this further.

I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. As an Englishman I like to think that I hold some of the chivalric values of my noble forefathers; yet, as one of those virtues is the protection of women, how can I claim such, when I have viewed women for pleasure in the midst of such vile exploitation (and truly, many of those poor women are exploited, though of course a few willingly seek to prostitute their person)? I have always though I valued the family; but how can I when I have wasted seed? Whoever my future wife may be, she surely deserves better. But most of all, I am ashamed because I broke my oath to G-d. I feel that I have defiled myself before Him, and have wronged His Glorious Name by breaking an oath I made directly to Him. I feel unworthy of His help, His mercy, His kindness; why should he forgive me? I have committed a hugely serious sin, yet I do not know how, nor feel worthy to ask. How can I beg His forgiveness if I cannot be sure that I shall not sin again. I would like to think that, having fallen down the cliff, I shan't be caught unawares again; but now I have had a taste from the cup of pleasure, bitter though it may be, how can I be sure that I will not succumb again? I humbly ask for advice, from anyone willing to help; though I fully accept that all changes myst come from myself.

WELCOME! This is indeed a good supportive community. I recommend reading the handbook and checking out all this site has to offer.

We are all unworthy of His kindness, but he give it to us anyway because He loves us. G-d knows our frailties, and is quick to forgive.

WELCOME!!!!

Incredible post. Thank you for sharing

usernam2258
Precisely. What helps me is looking at them as people and imagining what they would do if they would find out i was using them for pleasuring (i.e. staring). I am sure they would throw the book at us ( ) Others have commented that giving a blessing to the girl helps. Blessing her that she should be successful: work, home, children etc.

usernam2258
We must learn the incredibly novel idea that God loves us no matter what. He is always supporting us, no matter what. He believes in us! Isn't that incredible? The Master of the Universe believes in us!! We should be jumping for joy. Us Jews say this every morning. Its called the Modeh Ani: "I thank you before you, Living and Eternal King, for you have returned my soul to me, with compassion. Abundant is your faith."

"Abundant is your faith" I am not sure how to translate this better but essentially it means that God believes in us through thick and thin.

Anyhow, Welcome, its great to have you and Keep it up!!

PS. Check out: Skep's tips

Wow nice story! You're in the right place!
May I recommend the "hit bottom while still on top" stories?
These stories will show you what this addiction eventually leads to.
I'm sure you might already know, but I'm telling you this because you still are on top. way on top, and I'm quite jealous of you.
Also, a good filter never hurt
Here is a story that always reminds me why I fight this battle: guardyoureyes.com/articles/stories/item/where-it-all-leads
Welcome!

Thanks much for your advice. It is nice to know that there is a group of men mutually supporting each other through this. And of course, that other men have succeeding surely means it is in anyone's capacity. However, I have a query. Obviously, my problems do not stop just when one stops looking at images; such images are, in fact branded on the mind, and when my mind drifts, they come to the fore. I try to avoid them, but it is quite persistent. How long does it take to forget about all of those indecent images, so they cease floating around one's mind?

Everyone is different.

it depends on your defrag button.

I have forgotten some of the porn actresses names and their looks.

And maybe it helps if you make an effort to replace those thoughts with more constructive ones, i.e. concentrate on Divrei Torah etc. to the point where it becomes your new obsession.

Hatzlacha

MT